Every man and every woman wants a stable relationship at some point in his or her life, whether or not to start a family with children or just to have a nice life together. What are the pitfalls and how do you maintain a relationship?
Some facts
In the past, couples stayed together under pressure from religion and economic ties. Unmarried cohabitation was uncommon. Nowadays we no longer experience that pressure and divorces are becoming more and more common. About 1/3 of all relationships fail after an average of 6 years of cohabitation/marriage. The average age at divorce is between 40 and 45 years. There are often 1 or 2 children who stand between the divorcing parties.
The beginning of a relationship
Most people start a relationship because they like each other or are in love. There is a difference in both emotions. Now it is true that liking someone can turn into falling in love , but in any case it is possible that falling in love and liking turn into loving. A feeling that is difficult to describe.
Causes of the end of a relationship
Starting a relationship is often a lot easier than maintaining a relationship. This is caused by a number of factors;
- Unsatisfying sex
- Grow apart
- Not in love anymore
- Violence
Violence
Men and women who approach each other violently or aggressively during a relationship know that they will not be able to maintain the relationship in this way. Violence is often caused by jealousy. Jealousy is a normal emotion, expressing it through violence is not normal. It is of the utmost importance to deal with this properly. After all, jealousy is also caused by insecurity. Pathological jealousy or possessiveness is not healthy and will ruin your life. If the relationship is abusive, get help and get out no matter how hard it is.
Not in love anymore
There are people who constantly want to feel like they are in love. That emotion, the butterflies in your stomach, being full of 1 person. Someone who always wants to be in love will last an average of 4 years in a relationship. And then move on to the next crush. Falling in love is a chemical reaction strongly linked to sexual desire. Over the course of 4 years, that feeling gradually diminishes and a different kind of love emerges that should replace infatuation. People who do not recognize the latter end a relationship due to a lack of love in the relationship.
Grow apart
Couples often grow apart when children are involved. The mother often puts 99% of her time into her children, especially when they are very small. She is also tired and often impatient with her partner. Men get that, at least for a while. Over time, men feel the need to go out again (for some after a week or month, for others after 6 months) and to do things such as sports and going out. There is of course nothing wrong with this, provided the woman does not feel neglected because she gets the feeling that she is largely alone. What men need to realize is that women have the same need for free time, but do not demand it so quickly. So if you want to do something good for your partner, give her an occasional gift in the form of a voucher for the sauna, tanning bed or beautician. What you can also do is buy a bottle of massage oil and give your wife a massage, she will often feel better from this intimacy and attention.
A frequently heard statement from men is: I have to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week , then I am tired and I want to relax. She sits at home all day, I wish I had that. For men: this is the wrong kind of jealousy. Women with small children who do not work are busy with the children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; Feeding, changing diapers, playing with the children, soothing rebellious cries, and so on. By the time her partner comes home, a woman is grateful that he takes over for a while because being alone with your children does not provide a sense of freedom at all. It very often happens that when the man comes home, he finds a grumbling woman. Don’t be annoyed by that. Give your wife a big hug and tell her you missed her, and ignore the kids for a few minutes. Then take over the children and give her a little space. Maybe she wants to cook, go outside or lie down for half an hour. If you give a woman space, you will ultimately get more space yourself. You can agree in advance who will play sports one evening, or go out with friends, or whether you will call a babysitter and go away together. If there are small children, take time for each other!
Unsatisfying sex
In the beginning of a relationship, everything is still exciting, including making love. You are often still young or at least around the same age (with some exceptions) and you think each other is beautiful. Problems arise when seeing each other as ‘normal’ causes you to take less care of yourself or make less of an effort to stay physically fit. That’s where the lack of interest in each other starts. The sex is still there, but telling each other that you find each other beautiful or attractive and touching each other freely becomes more difficult, there is a need to do something about it. A woman in particular needs emotional stimulation to have sex with a man, whether she is fat, thin, old or young. So a tip for the men here; compliment them (even if you don’t really mean it, as long as she doesn’t notice).
Women also have a feeling of being boring and standard when it comes to sex. So guys, another tip; ask what a woman likes, because that is often something different than you think.
Sometimes a woman will not have an answer to that for the simple reason that she has fallen asleep because of too many unsatisfactory sex (she believes that it cannot be otherwise). If this is the case, think of something fun, for example go to the Kamasutra fair together. Come up with something stimulating. Just a little more for couples together; Often when there are children in the relationship, partners find it difficult to be open about their sexuality. What every adult needs to realize is that sexuality is as normal as eating or sleeping. Within a partner relationship it is therefore of the utmost importance to talk about everyone’s sexuality. False shame ultimately leads to misunderstanding.
Preventing arguments
Preventing arguments is very possible even if you disagree or are irritated by what your partner does or says. Here are some tips;
- Stop your irritation
- Ask your partner if he wants to hold you (stand there)
- Do not say anything
- Keep this up for as long as possible
- Look at your partner
- Smile
Finally:
In every relationship you have to deal with verbal and non-verbal communication. Both will save/ruin your relationship. If you don’t understand your partner’s words/attitude, ask. Talk about it. Not talking doesn’t save a relationship, ultimately you have to sit down together. Visit the lawyer to arrange the divorce or to discuss how to proceed together. The sooner matters are discussed/expressed, the more likely a relationship will be to succeed.
An interesting book with this subject: The art of loving by Bianca van den Brand