Give and take in a relationship: the golden mean

In every relationship there are occasional conflicts, because two partners have different expectations and needs. If we seriously want to settle a conflict, we can opt for the golden mean, in other words, make a compromise. In other words: give and take. The expression ‘The golden mean’ actually has its origins in the Greek philosopher Aristotle. He already recognized that man is an extremely sensitive being, determined in part by hormones such as testosterone and adrenaline. These are also two elements in a relationship that can quickly lead to extremes. But Aristotle saw the middle between those extremes as a virtue. An excellent means to take the sting out of conflicts.

The importance of compromises

A good relationship is characterized by give and take. When partners compromise, each of them voluntarily gives up part of its demands, meeting each other, the golden mean. Some people believe that compromise is a bad thing because neither side achieves its goal. An alternative solution to conflicts could also be that partner A gets his wishes fulfilled on one occasion and partner B on the other.

How do you find the golden mean?

The best example of the golden mean appears every year in the collective labor agreement negotiations. Both parties start with maximum demands and ultimately meet somewhere in the middle.

How do you and your partner actually deal with conflicts?

  • Do you also start with maximum requirements?
  • Does either of you generally give in more quickly or perhaps you withdraw your demands completely?
  • Is either of you ever dissatisfied after a compromise and do you let the other feel it?
  • Even after a compromise, are either of you still trying to realize your original wishes?

 

Give and take in a relationship, it’s the mix that does it

When we live together as partners, we usually do so for a reason. We both expect to get better from it. For example, we wish our partner:

  • pleasant company;
  • concept;
  • fidelity;
  • financial support ;
  • involvement in the household;
  • involvement in the education of the children.

And our partner also has certain expectations of us, which we must fulfill as best as possible so that he/she has a good feeling about the relationship. Most of us enter into relationships with an unconditional willingness to give. We do this with the confidence that we will also get something in return.

Often, over time, we start to calculate: what do I give and what do I get in return? We take stock and hope that there is a balance between give and take. Unfortunately, there are also people who enter into relationships solely with the intention of benefiting from the other person.

When the balance between give and take is disturbed

Our expectations can completely change over time. Or we can start to appreciate them in a different way. And in many relationships there are also phases in which one partner puts more energy into the relationship than the other. Below are some signals that show that the balance between give and take is disturbed:

  • are regularly dissatisfied and irritated;
  • no longer like to return home;
  • no longer want to have sex;
  • constant nagging and swearing between partners;
  • no longer feel like committing to the relationship;
  • having given up talking to the partner and expressing wishes;
  • being depressed and resorting to addictive substances;
  • suffer from physical complaints without an immediately identifiable cause;
  • sometimes toy with the idea of divorce.

 

How can one save a relationship?

There are several appropriate ways in which we can rebalance the balance between give and take. For example:

  • discuss conflict situations with the partner again and look for possible solutions together with him/her;
  • increase (or decrease) one’s own efforts;
  • appreciate our partner’s efforts again (more positively);
  • review and, if necessary, revise our expectations regarding the partner.

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