Who’s in charge when you have children? Is that you and what happens in relationships with children when you use power? Does that have any effects and if so, what effects?
There is always a reaction to power
Thomas Gordon, an American clinical psychologist (1918-2002), discovered that power was an element in the disturbed parent-child relationship. Power in the form of ‘I decide for you’. What happens when power is used in raising a child? First, we must distinguish between types of power: power based on knowledge and power based on authority. We are willing to accept knowledge. If you go out with a biologist and he indicates that you absolutely should not enter a certain area because of a bird breeding ground, you do so because you instinctively feel that what is being said is right. However, things are different if you are forbidden to do something because the other person believes that it is not good for you and you yourself doubt its correctness. Then power becomes oppression. Then there is a winner and a loser.
There are three defenses against power: fight, flight or submission. In short, there is always a response.
With fighting there will be resistance and although it will be suppressed, at least the energy can be released. To flee is to leave, both literally and figuratively. For adolescents , alcohol and drugs are ways to avoid feeling the pressure of power. Lying is also a form of escape, you are afraid of the consequences. Finally, topics. Perhaps the most disastrous of the three. Because you join in, you do what is asked. The result is often later in adulthood that you start to wonder: who am I and what do I actually want?
What are instruments of power?
According to Gordon, power involves punishment and reward. Punishment creates fear and rewards dependence. These are the pillars of your education. Punishments must become increasingly severe or they will have no effect. They also have to be monitored, which requires something from those who hand out the punishments. If you make children dependent on a reward, you can only achieve that behavior if you offer something in return. It does not become intrinsic, it does not come from within.
It’s easier to punish small children by withholding something from them (if you don’t finish your plate you won’t get any desserts), but that doesn’t work with teenagers, they buy the things themselves!
Can your child also be the boss?
Unfortunately yes. Many families struggle with the fact that the child or children ultimately call the shots. If children are not given boundaries from an early age, they decide what will happen. To avoid hassle, parents give in, sigh and try to restore order. Then the saying goes that ‘to spoil is to neglect’; a child does not get what he or she needs. These often become egocentric personalities, who have difficulty working together and sharing. Reversing this process is not that easy. Especially in the beginning, when the boundaries are clear and maintained, children will have to get used to the boundaries. But if you persevere, you will see children calm down. Because ultimately children learn that they can get things done through consultation.
Consequences of power
When there is an oppressive power in families, you often see that children use that power in other places. For example on the schoolyard. So power begets power! Children also become insecure and fearful of failure. In any case, using power does not mean equality in the relationship. That is something that Thomas Gordon attaches great importance to: I am important, you are important. I’m no better than you and you don’t have to be above me. We both have needs and feelings and wants. If we express these to each other, one of us does not have to be the boss. To teach this to a child, space is needed for discovery. Know who you are. You learn that when you are allowed to express your opinion.
Through the generations
Power is passed down through the generations. And usually you adopt what you have been given. A turnaround is certainly possible, but that requires you as an educator to investigate what power has done to you? Do you also want that in your relationship with your children? If you get a firm ‘no’, the time has come to look into how things can be done differently.
Thomas Gordon advocates the consultation method, in which the parties attach great importance to equality. Respect then means: I see you with your needs, wishes and feelings and I listen to them. I also take my needs, wants and feelings seriously. Where can we reach each other? It is my wish to make that happen. A skill that needs to be trained is that of listening. Perhaps it is a good idea to add the word sincere, because listening requires an intention. It is focusing on the other person with attention.
Is that simple? No, because turnaround is never easy. Can it be learned ? Yes, as evidenced by the many people who have followed Thomas Gordon’s courses since the 1970s.
And the result?
Not only in the upbringing and relationship with our children, but also in society wide, relationships between people would be different if we use equality. The respect that results from this is enormous. No one has to elevate themselves above the other. We all have our qualities that are equally valuable. And we can call each other to account for behavior that is unacceptable. Not from power, but from the realization: I am just as valuable as you.
Could that also have something to do with peace?