This article is about empathy in education. The tips contained herein can also be applied in other situations.
Empathy
Empathy is empathy: it means looking at a situation through the eyes of someone else and sympathizing and thinking along with someone else. Empathy is not the same as pity. During the first years of life, the foundation of empathy is laid: children learn to take others into account through play.
Empathy within AP
Empathy is one of the ideals of Attachment Parenting and can help you build a good bond with your child. Your child learns to express himself in a safe environment and learns that his opinion and emotions are also important. In addition, the child is provided with an instrument that he can use in his dealings with others.
You apply empathy by listening to your child without judging. You put your own feelings and prejudices aside for a moment and listen to the message. In between you can ask questions to clearly understand the message. You can also summarize regularly to check whether you have understood it correctly. At the end of his story you can briefly summarize it and ask if he would like to add anything. When a problem arises, you can only then start looking for a solution: go through a few ideas together with your child until you have found a good solution. This way you help your child think problem-solving ( problem – solution – implementation ). In a conflict you share your own feelings, your own vision and your expectations. Afterwards, you make concrete agreements together to prevent a conflict. It is useful to use a recognizable closing ritual, such as a hug or shaking hands or eating something tasty together or … .
Practical tips
- Eye contact makes it easy to see through your child’s eyes. Crouch down or sit opposite each other at the table or close to each other in an armchair.
- Don’t think how you would feel in such a situation ( this is projection ), but see how your child feels.
- You can more easily let go of your own point of view with a visualization ( letting go of a thread in your thoughts or leaves blowing in the wind or ripples in water or … ).
- Deep breathing helps you pause for a moment and can help you put yourself in your child’s shoes.
- Make sure you always return to yourself: do not remain in your child’s position.
- In conflict, an empathy time-out may be necessary. Which time-out method you use depends on your parenting method.
- Don’t force your child to communicate: if he wants to say something, he will say it. Sometimes words are unnecessary: a single gesture can also help you understand your child.
- You can break tension by showing your child that you understand ( noting what is wrong, such as hunger or tiredness or touching your child or… )
Empathy in babies
Babies express themselves through body language and recognizable sounds such as crying, for example. By listening to this, you will know what your child is feeling. You can put this into words for your child. Although your child does not yet understand your words, he or she will understand your intention and respond accordingly.
Sometimes just looking your child in the eye is enough. At other times, your child may need to cry out. It is important that your child does not cry alone. You can hold your child in your arms or lie next to your child to let him know that you are there and that he is allowed to feel bad.
Empathy and pampering
As long as you protect your own boundaries, you will not spoil your child. Only when you allow your child to take up all your time will you spoil your child. How long is too long depends on your child and yourself and the situation. It is good that your child is aware of his emotions, but do not let your child exaggerate. If your child tends to take advantage of the situation, it means that there is another underlying problem and that your child feels like he is not getting enough attention. Now that he is getting attention, he wants to make this moment last as long as possible. To prevent this, you should not avoid empathy, but you should give your child attention at another time. Playing together for fifteen minutes can be enough.
Finally
Empathy is one of the ideals at AP: this means that it would occur naturally in ideal circumstances. Unfortunately, ideal conditions are very rare. That is why it is important that you apply the ideals that fit within your capabilities. Forcing yourself is not healthy for you and certainly not for the relationship with your child: your child feels that you are not being sincere.