When trouble threatens, you are generally called upon to play one or two roles. Either you are the one who has gotten into trouble or you are in a situation where you have to help others with their difficulties. Things get a little more complicated when a crisis or conflict arises within your relationship or within your family. But then it is also possible to see what role you actually play in this. The information provided in this article is primarily intended to help you deal with conflict and possibly find a solution.
Your own feeling
If you are the one having the difficulties, try to put aside your own feelings about it for a moment. It is striking how much time and effort is often wasted in such a situation on questions such as: why is this happening to me again or what will the others think or how can they do this to me?
Likewise, if someone needs your help, there is little point in dwelling on those feelings or thinking about how other people’s problems affect your own life. The point is to resolve the conflict and not beat around the bush or blame each other.
Transferring fear
When problems arise, no matter which of the two roles you play, never try to radiate unrest. When you are upset, you communicate this to others and those others often react negatively. Try to stay calm, even if you don’t feel calm. If your own emotions and fears are added to the mix, you can be assured that the crisis will become even more serious.
Keep repeating to yourself: What is actually the problem? and stay calm. Remember that just as others can take over your anxiety, they can also take over your peace.
Use your intuition
If you are trying to provide help in the difficulties of others or if you are involved in a crisis that you did not help create in any way. This may be the case, for example, when it comes to difficulties your children are having. Then remember that your intuition is always a valuable source of information. Intuition is often thought of as something magical, but it is probably nothing more than the interpretation you unconsciously make of a situation and which is based on experience.
When it comes to problems where you are the main character, it is also important to follow your intuition, despite the criticism from others that you rely too much on your feelings. You may not always act logically in your own eyes, but if your feeling is strong enough, follow it.
What should be done
During a crisis, don’t think about what you should do to please other people or conform to what society expects of you. All too often we are afraid of what others may think of us and end up making a decision that aims to please those others and that does not actually provide any solution to the problem.
When someone is experiencing difficulties, it is important to remember that difficulties cause pain and that it is primarily this pain that needs to be addressed.
Gaining valuable insight
If you are someone who helps others solve problems, always try to think in their place. This will not only give you some insight into how the crisis arose, but it will also help you find a solution. The same applies if you are the one who got into trouble.
Take, for example, the child who ran away from home. Once you have discovered where the child is, there is little point in running angrily there and making a terrible fuss. Control yourself, no matter how difficult it is and do not overload the child with questions such as: How could you do this to us or Do you know what trouble you have caused or What will the neighbors say about all these situations? Such things may be important to you, but certainly not to the child. On the contrary, these types of questions widen the gap and make the child even less willing to say why he or she ran away.
Dealing with resentment
If you yourself have gotten into trouble because of things that others have done, do not try to punish such a person. It is very human to release all the frustration, resentment and tension on someone who, in your judgment, can be blamed for the problem. In this way, the child who ran away from home, or the partner who left, becomes very angry when he returns. Although it is only positive that someone comes home again, he is anything but warmly welcomed. Try to imagine how you would feel in such circumstances and remember that blaming each other won’t solve anything. Try to look a little further and look for solutions that can reduce the feelings of resentment of all parties.
Because we like to determine our own lives in as many ways as possible, we are very much opposed to people and situations that want to disrupt that lifestyle. Especially if they present us with problems that we then have to solve. We can have a similar attitude towards someone who is ill, because being ill simply does not suit us. And here again, self-control is a very useful tool for dealing with problems.
Talking and listening
Whatever your role in a crisis, it is always worthwhile to discuss the situation with a neutral third party. But then you must also be willing to listen to the advice of others and be willing to understand exactly what they are telling you and why. Even if their opinions are completely contrary to what you see as your own interests.
Father or mother, partner or a good friend are sometimes the ones who are willing to listen to your problems, but it is often better to take on an outsider. Someone who has no interest in the conflict.
If others give you advice, it is important to decide for yourself whether that advice can help you. When it comes to relationship problems and other problems, everyone usually has something to say about it . We are inundated with advice because everyone thinks they can help us with their own experiences. However, it is absolutely necessary to decide for yourself whether the counselors really have your best interests in mind.
In such a situation, always ask yourself whether the person giving you advice really knows you so well. Why is he actually telling you this? Are the arguments really thought through? Are the things the other person has experienced and on the basis of which he gives you advice really comparable to the problems you are experiencing yourself? Can you really trust the opinion and advice of such a person?
Emergency workers
If you are looking for outside help in a crisis situation, either for yourself or someone else, it is best to first seek it from your doctor, at least if you have a good relationship with him. He should be able to help you further or provide you with settings or addresses where you can find further assistance. He can also refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Which expert is really good?
When you receive advice from family, friends or neighbors, it is obvious that you view this advice critically. But the same can be said about the advice of an expert, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a social worker or a psychotherapist. Do they have experience with cases like yours? Do they really understand and understand the situation you are in? Their advice seems a bit theoretical. As if they even quote from a book. Or is their advice really based on experience and insight?
If the advice does not seem to fit your situation and if you have the feeling that it has little to do with your own feelings, ask yourself why that is. It could be that the expert has not taken into account a number of important matters in his advice that do determine your decisions. Experts don’t know everything, but their advice shouldn’t be ignored just because it doesn’t match what you had in mind.
When we enter into an intimate and apparently long-term relationship with another person, we can never know in advance how that relationship will develop. Even though no relationship is perfect, there must be enough of a bond to keep the partners together, in other words, there must be enough satisfying elements in the relationship for both partners to make it worth it for both of them.
Should I continue the relationship?
The very fact that you are wondering this means that your relationship is not really satisfying in some respects or perhaps that your expectations are too high. The first thing you can do to find the answer to this is to make a list of the pros and cons. Both maintaining and breaking the relationship. If you take a look at all of this, you will gain more insight into the reasons that have been important to you to maintain the relationship until now. Consider all aspects thoroughly again and be very honest with yourself. There is no shame in maintaining a relationship because you are economically dependent on the other person, or dependent because you are ill or perhaps have a drinking problem or perhaps because you are concerned about how your family and friends will react when you would like to end the relationship. Whatever grounds you have, it is important that you acknowledge them and thus get an honest picture of the situation.
The next step is to assess all the pros and cons on the list. And again it is only about what you consider important and not about whether any pros and cons may not count in the eyes of other people. We are all very different and so the assessment will be different for everyone.
For many people, especially those who have been married before, the fear that a second relationship may fail again plays a major role and that can influence the decision whether or not to end the current relationship.
However, keep in mind that the fear of hurting your partner is not exactly the best reason to continue a relationship that actually provides little satisfaction.
How can I improve my relationship
While trying to improve their relationship, many people fail to do something very obvious. They don’t look for what is actually wrong. The partners do criticize each other: He always has something to say about me when others are around, or: She just bullies me. However, these are only symptoms of the disease; not the cause of it. For example, if your partner criticizes you in front of others, it could be because he or she feels threatened by the way you behave in company.
Another reason why people sometimes shy away from tackling the problems is that most of the things that are happening between the partner or the things they are saying to each other now have a long history and have their origins in things that have happened before. have been done or said between them in the past. There is then no point in focusing on that current irritation in the hope of identifying the problem. Rather, try to go back into the past and think about the events and actions (including those that were omitted) to figure out why you and your partner react the way you do.
What is my partner actually thinking?
Many people have the tendency to guess, predict or simply say what their partner is thinking. This is of course very unreasonable towards the other person, because one is never able to see the world through the eyes of another. Even more importantly, a person is never able to see themselves as their partner sees them.
The best way to approach this problem is to suggest that the other person talk about the relationship in a way that is meaningful and not based on mutual accusations. However, if that doesn’t work, don’t put the blame on the partner. If you are unable to have a good conversation with the other person, there may be something wrong with the way you approach things.
If you’ve tried to talk to your partner in a certain way, don’t try it the same way over and over again in the vain hope that maybe one day you’ll be able to have a conversation the way you envisioned it. . Better change your technique.
What is very important; always give your partner the opportunity to say what he wants. He/she may have always been very reserved about certain things, out of fear of your reactions.
How can I talk about the problems in an effective way?
Many have a conversation as if it is a debate they have to win. Many points are scored and neither side wants to admit they were wrong. But if you want to look at what went wrong in your relationship, it is most important to remember that it is not about who is right.
If you ensure that you do not descend to the level of attacking and defending, your partner will also be less inclined to react in that way. Make concessions and recognize the value of the other person’s arguments, even if the truth is sometimes painful to hear. Also , make sure that the conversation is not all monologues, but try to communicate your feelings of concern to each other.
What are our expectations?
In our time when we are constantly presented with the image of the ideal relationship on television, in the cinema, in the theater and also in books, it is difficult to remain realistic. If we believe we are entitled to a perfect relationship and expect nothing less, we will be disappointed anyway. If we accept that life is not a fairy tale, it is time to see to what extent we can accept the gap between expectation and reality.
Although we may be disappointed, there is no reason why we should not try to improve things. If improvement is possible, the choice between taking things for granted or bringing about change at least becomes real.
Is it my fault?
Blaming yourself or someone else is not a constructive way to solve problems. It is more helpful to ask yourself: Is there something I am doing that is causing some of the difficulties in this relationship? If the answer is yes, the next question is: How can I change that? And that you have received some clarity about this, then do something about it.
However, you may have been confronted with a situation in which your partner has been so selfish, so self-centered, thoughtless, or even violent that it is actually impossible to change your own behavior. In that case you can ask yourself: Does my partner want or can change? If the answer is no, you are faced with the choice of whether to accept it or not.
How important are sex, affection, pleasure and intellectual stimulation in a relationship?
None of the above are essential to a relationship and they are all just relative terms. The problems only come when one of the partners says they are missing one or more of these things. It is different for every couple how they interpret the relationship with regard to these concepts. But unfortunately, marriage is a contract, the terms of which are often only discussed after signing. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t still make changes.
Do I need a therapist?
There are some distinct advantages to seeking the help of an expert when dealing with relationship problems, rather than trying to resolve them on your own. One of those advantages is that such an expert can shed a completely new light on the matter and another is that the partners now have the opportunity to express their frustrations in a neutral situation.
You can contact an agency for life and family questions or a private therapist.
Are homosexual relationships different?
Relationships between life partners are always based on the same principles and are the result of the same interaction. Relationship therapists will therefore generally not make a distinction between homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
And the children?
Children are remarkably adaptable, and many therapists have found that the harm to the child is the same whether his feuding parents separate or not. If there is anything to prove, it might be that children respond better to a divorce than to a situation where there is constant arguing.
The loss of someone we love is a crisis that we will all experience sooner or later. Words like sadness and mourning are almost always associated with death, but of course we also grieve and grieve a loss when we lose a job, a house, our ideals, a cherished possession, a beloved pet, a very good friend or of course also the partner. In all such cases, we must adapt to the new situations through a grieving process.
You have to do it yourself
Coping with loss, especially the death of a loved one, is a task that seems to be best accomplished by people in cultures that adhere to a strictly formal and profound mourning ritual. In modern Western culture, we are more or less expected to continue behaving as if nothing has happened. Yet research has shown that grieving is an essential process for coping with a loss.
A period of mourning can also have a negative impact on physical and mental health, if someone does not have the opportunity to experience the grieving process in its various stages. It also happens that someone experiences a major relapse just as the grieving period seemed to have been resolved, and this is often accompanied by other signs of clinical depression. That is also a sign that someone needs professional psychological help.
By the way, sadness is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not childish and it’s not undignified. Of course, there are always people around you who would rather avoid you during such a period and sometimes it is even necessary to keep up appearances to a number of people so as not to become completely isolated. This can have a positive effect in some respects, because it can also bring some relief to the person experiencing the grief if he focuses his attention on something else for a while. And yet, if you have suffered a loss, it is certainly not the case that you should play a role just to make things easier for other people.
If you are going through a grieving process, there is no point in pretending to be stronger than you are. There’s no point in forcing it. Everything just takes its time. Everyone will go through a grieving process in their own way and will be confronted with thoughts and feelings that are new to them.
When someone has lost a loved one, it will certainly take a year before the loss has been processed to some extent. Before then, there’s no point in wondering why you still haven’t gotten over it.
Divorce or traumatic loss
It is natural to feel sad when a marriage ends in divorce, when you lose your job, or when you experience a similar loss. In some ways, such things are sometimes even harder to deal with than death.
In the case of a divorce, the person we have lost is still alive, so that, hidden behind all the other feelings, there is still the idea somewhere that the relationship could always be resumed. That is why many people are not ready for a grieving process immediately after a divorce and it takes a very long time before they accept the loss. Sometimes it can take years for a person to truly accept the idea that the marriage is over and that the partner is really not coming back.
What often plays a major role in this is that one partner feels rejected. Although we sometimes feel that we could have done something more to make someone who is now dead happy, it is not primarily guilt that arises when someone we love dies.
When someone has died, it is mainly the memory from which we can draw comfort. We can make this very concrete by having a beautiful gravestone placed or by keeping a number of personal belongings of the deceased. We also erect a monument in the mind because we tend to remember only the good things and forget the bad qualities of someone. In general, this is very different in divorce, because there is bitterness about the separation and because one is so acutely aware of the shortcomings of the other.
Losing a job is similar to divorce in many ways. The feelings of powerlessness, of being rejected and of having failed are completely similar.
Supporting someone in their grief
There are several ways you can support someone who is going through the grieving process. Use the following as a guideline to respond wisely.
- Let the other person decide for himself what he/she needs: an uplifting or encouraging word, sympathy or encouragement. Don’t interfere with that.
- Try to sympathize with the sadness. Then the other person can also express his grief and you can show that you also care about the person who is being mourned.
- Provide practical help. Practical help is very important in the first stages of mourning, before the funeral or in the weeks afterwards. After the death of a loved one, people are often unable to do normal daily work.
- Remember that for someone who has suffered a loss, practical work can help distract the mind from the grief. So when such a person shows signs of wanting to do a certain job, let him be.
- Be there when someone needs you. Grieving people often find it very nice to know that there is someone who can support them, even if they do not use it. You should not stop doing this after the first few days. Your support may be needed for months to come.
- Try to reassure. Try to gradually convince someone that they will one day get over this loss, even if they don’t think it is possible at the moment. Also try to help someone gain insight into the grieving process.
- Do not encourage someone to use drugs such as antidepressants or tranquilizers. It is better if the loss can be dealt with without the help of these resources. However, sleeping tablets may be of some use, although they should only be taken over a short period of time.
- Be careful. If you are open to the feelings and reactions of someone who has suffered a loss, you will notice when they are ready to focus on something else. When this time comes, seize the opportunity and make the most of it.