Narcissism is a condition in which a person functions on the attention and confirmation of those close to him, also known as narcissistic nutrition. The need for attention and confirmation is accompanied by a great lack of empathy and a lack of self-reflection. As a result, narcissists repeatedly cross the boundaries of those around them, purely and solely to meet their own need for narcissistic nourishment. A relationship with a narcissist is extremely destructive. The partner acts as a source of narcissistic nourishment and is often abused or manipulated. The partner’s own needs and boundaries are subordinate to those of the narcissist. When the relationship with a narcissist is broken, the narcissist will try everything to restore contact. One of the ways is hoovering.
Hoovering
Hoovering is a manipulation technique that narcissists use to attempt to re-establish contact with the victim after a period of no contact. The term hoovering is derived from the English word for vacuuming. In fact, a narcissist tries to suck his victim back into the (destructive) relationship by means of hoovering. Hoovering is a devious way in which the narcissist often plays on the empathy and vulnerabilities of the victim, who in turn responds in a human way and before he/she is aware of it, is trapped in the relationship with the narcissist again. Hoovering can throw someone completely off balance, which increases the risk that someone will fall for the narcissist’s charms again.
The motivation behind hoovering
A narcissist is completely dependent on narcissistic nourishment in the form of attention and confirmation from others. If he does not get this, he will not be able to function and will feel miserable inside as he is confronted with his inner wound of pain, emptiness, toxic shame and toxic loneliness. Narcissistic feeding is an unconscious way for a narcissist to keep these feelings at bay. A survival mechanism.
A narcissist will start hoovering when he needs something from his victim: narcissistic nourishment. (The narcissist is described here as he, but could just as well be a she.) Narcissistic nourishment can express itself in sex, attention, confirmation, company, etc. Often the other sources of narcissistic nourishment are no longer available to the narcissist. sufficient to keep his deep feelings of pain, emptiness, toxic shame and toxic loneliness at bay, which causes a narcissist to appeal to his former victims, often ex-partners. Narcissists often have a number of backups in the form of exes in their ’emergency’ contact list. A narcissist therefore seeks contact with someone purely and solely to meet his own need for narcissistic nourishment.
Manifestations of hoovering
Hoovering can manifest itself in several ways. It should be noted that the methods described below do not necessarily have to be manifestations of hoovering. Not everyone who uses any of these methods is a narcissist or has the motive to feed narcissistic food. However, these are the most common ways used by narcissists to win back their victim after a period of no contact:
- Pretending the relationship isn’t over;
- Send surprises;
- Declaring love;
- Send random messages;
- Be vulnerable and needy;
- Apologize for his/her behavior;
- Indirect manipulation.
1. Pretend the relationship isn’t over
The narcissist will behave as if nothing has changed, as if the relationship is still going on and the victim is still his partner. He can send sweet messages, show up in places where his victim is often found (home, work, etc.). Even when the victim has already indicated several times that the relationship is over. The narcissist will ignore the victim’s boundaries. This is very frustrating for the victim. Because he can jump high or low, but the narcissist continues to insist that the relationship still exists. The victim can respond to this in two ways: either start to doubt their own powers of perception and indeed start to believe that the relationship still exists and act accordingly, or leave contact with the narcissist and distance themselves from the narcissist.
2. Send unexpected surprises
To convince the victim of his so-called love, a narcissist will not hesitate to surprise his victim with gifts at unexpected moments. This includes concert tickets for the victim’s favorite artist, flowers on the doorstep, cards or love letters in the mailbox. All in the hope that the victim will bite the bait and step back into the destructive relationship with the narcissist, so that he is assured of his narcissistic nourishment.
3. Declaring love
When declaring love, the narcissist will not hesitate to tell the victim that he/she is the only one he/she truly loves, that his victim is his soulmate, that his victim is the love of his life, that his life means nothing without the victim, etc. This often triggers a lot for the victim. Because a relationship with a narcissist is very intensive and there have also been beautiful moments and every person needs a certain form of love and attention. However, a narcissist has another motive and therefore no reciprocal relationship with a narcissist is possible.
4. Send random messages
In his attempts to hoover, the narcissist can suddenly send messages to his victim out of nowhere. These can be simple messages like, “How are you?” or ,I thought of you when I saw your favorite band on TV,, or ,I miss you so much,. In addition, a narcissist can suddenly start liking and commenting on social media posts again.
What also sometimes happens is that a narcissist sends his victim messages that are not intended for the victim. Like messages to his new partner. All this to provoke a reaction from the victim.
5. Be vulnerable and needy
Because a narcissist will do anything to continue to provide himself with narcissistic nourishment, he will not hesitate to make himself vulnerable and needy in order to appeal to his victim’s empathic capacity. A natural human response is to respond with empathy and compassion. Especially when the victim has a soft spot for the narcissist or still loves the narcissist. However, the narcissist’s goal is to get his victim back where he wants him/her: in the relationship as a source of narcissistic nourishment.
6. Apologize for his behavior
An extremely convincing method of hoovering is a narcissist offering an apology to his victim for his former destructive behavior. He will not hesitate to say that he is sorry for what he did to his victim and that he has improved his life. He will be happy to respond to the needs of his victim and show that he has changed. However, this is often temporary, until the victim is tied to the narcissist again.
7. Indirect manipulation
If a narcissist is unable to reach his victim directly, a narcissist will not hesitate to use other people to get his victim to make contact again. This can be through the use of joint children or messages via mutual friends. The messages can be untruths or messages that praise you as a victim to the sky. What often happens is that the victim feels called to respond to this, as a kind of automatic response. However, it does not matter to a narcissist whether his intended victim responds to him with anger or love. Attention is attention and contact is contact, in whatever way possible.
How to deal with hoovering
It is important to realize that the motive behind hoovering is the narcissist’s need for narcissistic nourishment. It is therefore not about the joint relationship, the interests of the victim or the joint interests, but about the interests and needs of the narcissist. In addition, a narcissist knows the vulnerabilities of his former partner and will not hesitate to take advantage of them to restore contact and ensure himself of narcissistic nourishment again. Lying, cheating, concealing, convincing, stalking can be part of this.
The best way to truly break free from a narcissist is to cut off all contact, block him everywhere and no longer offer opportunities for contact. However, a narcissist will not simply give in to this. And keep trying.
In addition, it is important to inform yourself about narcissism and the ways in which it is expressed. So you can protect yourself. Involve your friends in this so that you can get support in difficult times. And think about why you ended the relationship in the first place.
Get to know yourself and your triggers. And learn to deal with this. This can be done through a support group or a good therapist who understands narcissism. And teach yourself that you are worth more than the love the narcissist has to give you.