A wedding in Syria is primarily a family affair. Although partners are increasingly sought outside the family and the bride and groom exert great influence on the choice of partner, the consent of the parents in particular remains very important.
The marriage contract
Before a marriage takes place, a contract is first concluded between the two partners. Sometimes this is just a formality, in other cases it may require extensive negotiations. The most important points in the contract are the groom’s contribution to the marriage, the bride’s contribution and what happens in the event of a divorce. Often the poorer the family, the more difficult the negotiations are.
The groom
It is the groom who takes care of the house, apartment or any housing. He pays for the house and is the one who furnishes it and the one who will dress the bride. These matters are usually not mentioned in the contract because they are self-evident.
Bride price
In some cases there is talk of a ‘bride price’, an increasingly dying custom. This amount is paid to the bride’s father and he is the one who determines the amount. The price depends on the family the girl comes from, her beauty, intelligence, education, etc. However, there are few families where a ‘bride price’ is actually paid.
Dowry
However, the dowry is paid in almost all cases. This is an amount that the groom (or his family) pays to the bride, often in gold, but sometimes also in the form of land or simply money. Usually the groom indicates an amount he wishes to pay and the bride’s family accepts that amount or begins negotiations. The dowry is always the sole property of the bride, the man has no control over this money or gold. The amount can vary enormously and depends on the wealth of the family, the relationship between the families, etc.
In addition, an amount is agreed upon in the event of a divorce. This amount is often higher than the dowry, approximately double. This is to protect the girl, so a man will be less likely to opt for a divorce. It should be kept in mind that the position of a divorced woman in Syria is often unenviable. Women are raised with the idea that marriage is the highest good, so divorce is best avoided by both the girl and her family.
The bride
In principle, the bride does not have to bring anything to the wedding. That is, nothing except her beauty, virtue, charm, her cooking and housekeeping talents. Nevertheless, it is customary for her to bring in some items, especially mattresses, blankets, carpets, pillows, curtains, etc. Originally, the bride made these items herself and they were often elaborately embroidered. All this is usually not recorded in the contract, but left to the girl’s family. It is often important to make a good impression on the groom’s family, his friends and neighbors. These items all remain the property of the girl and she is therefore advised to record this in black and white, so that her husband cannot sell these items without her permission.
Sometimes additional clauses are added to the contract, usually at the insistence of the bride and her family. This may involve completing a study with her husband’s permission or the right to take a job. The salary the girl earns is her personal property and it is her right to do whatever she wants with the money. Usually she will use it to afford small luxuries, her own clothes or perhaps vacations for the family or simply something the family could not otherwise afford. Many women are forced to choose to make it part of the household budget.
The wedding
A marriage only becomes effective when it is consummated. Until then, the partners can still change their minds, at least in theory. The traditional Arabic method of checking whether the bride is still a virgin is hardly used anymore. Bloody sheets were shown to the groom’s immediate family so that they could be sure that their son had married a virgin.
Some weddings are celebrated mixed, this is especially the case in higher circles. However, the average Syrian Muslim family in the city will often opt for a party for the women in a rented hall, where the bride sits on a dais during most of the party where she can be admired by everyone. In the meantime, she is photographed, filmed and occasionally dances. In the meantime, the revelers receive refreshments and dance occasionally. At the end of the party the groom comes to pick her up and dances with his bride. After this, the couple leaves for the wedding night. The men often have their own party, but this is usually very small, with only his closest relatives and best friends.
Married life
During married life, husband and wife are supposed to take care of each other. The woman takes care of the man at home, she cooks, takes care of his clothes and the house. Outside the home, the man will then take care of his wife, acting as an intermediary between his wife and the outside world. It is important to know that a man’s honor in Syria is a great asset and that his wife plays an important role in this. In many cases a woman will ask her husband for permission to leave the house, but she will at least tell her husband where she is going.
A strict man may forbid his wife to leave the house without him. He can possibly control what kind of clothes she wears and even go so far as to forbid her from receiving her own family. These are real exceptions to the rule. Most Arab women are not docile creatures, but a man always has the last vote. This does not cause any problems for most women, as they are used to this way of doing things from an early age. Rules are often relaxed the longer a couple has been married and they know what they have in common.
Divorce
When there are major problems between a couple, a man can send his wife back to her family. A woman can also decide to return to her family. If parents are unable to resolve the problems between the spouses, divorce may result. In theory, a divorce is simple, but in practice there are often all kinds of snags. Children often stay with the father, although nowadays it is increasingly decided to let them stay with their mother, at least until a certain age, provided that she does not remarry. Remarriage is always possible after a divorce, although in conservative circles a divorced woman is looked down upon.
Widows
When a woman becomes a widow, there are several options, depending largely on her age and wealth. A woman who lives completely alone is an almost unknown phenomenon. Usually a woman will live with one of her sons. When her children are still small, she can choose to live with her parents or a brother or with her in-laws. A woman without children will almost always choose to return to her family. When the widow is a woman with young children, the man’s family is expected to support her financially, whether she lives with them or not.
After the death of her husband, a woman stays indoors for four months and a week. When it concerns an older woman, the rules are usually a bit more flexible. After this, the official mourning period is over and a widow can remarry whenever she wishes.