When we hear the word intimate partner violence, people often think of men who attack their wives for no reason. However, in at least half of all cases of intimate partner violence, the woman is the perpetrator. Due to the taboo and image surrounding intimate partner violence, most male victims of intimate partner violence are met with great disbelief. This taboo and the problematic image surrounding intimate partner violence against men causes a lot of unnecessary suffering.
- The numbers
- Police figures
- Scientific research
- Lesbian relationships
- Cause of the violence
- Purpose of the violence
- Types of violence
- Physically
- Psychic
- Sexual violence
- Consequences for the abused man
- Why are men not recognized as victims?
- Taboo
- Self-denial
- Not being believed and recognized
- Punishment too low
- What can you do as an abused man?
Campaigns against abuse of women, refuges for women and all kinds of newspaper articles denouncing violence against women. They all have the rightful goal of helping abused women. However, what is often forgotten is that men can just as easily be victims of violence perpetrated by a woman. Scientific research has shown that men are just as likely, if not more likely than women, to become victims of intimate partner violence.
The numbers
Police figures
In discussions surrounding intimate partner violence, many organizations, politicians and media often wrongly and incorrectly refer to police figures or the figures produced by courts. Police and judicial figures in Western Europe estimate female perpetrators of intimate partner violence at between 20% and 30%, but in reality this share is much higher. These figures only indicate what is noted by the police or judiciary and do not in any way represent reality. Due to the taboo on intimate partner violence against men, a report is often not filed or it can happen that the police and judicial services wrongly do not take a complaint seriously or do not recognize male victims during an intervention. As a result, the police and judicial figures deviate significantly from reality.
Scientific research
Scientific figures collected from victims and perpetrators therefore give us a much more correct picture of the phenomenon of intimate partner violence. Here, men and women report independently of police services and the judiciary what happens in their households. For example, Dutch studies of perpetrators and victims showed that somewhere between 40% and 60% of domestic violence is committed by women. International studies from the US, UK and France show similar dynamics.
Since Strauss’s research at the University of New Hampshire in 1980 (USA), various studies have shown that there is hardly any difference between the number of men and women who become victims of domestic violence. In approximately 25% of cases of domestic violence, women are the perpetrators, while in the other 25% it is men. In 50% of cases, both men and women are perpetrators, but in slightly more cases the disputes are started by the woman than by the man. In the case of intimate partner violence where constant terror is present in the relationship, women are much more likely to be the perpetrators than men, as an American study by Hines and Douglas in 2010 showed.
Women will use approximately the same violence as men , with the understanding that in the event of physical violence, they will more often use weapons to bridge physical strength differences (a man is often physically stronger than a woman). Although women use violence against men just as much as the other way around, men are less likely to end up in hospital. Research in the US showed that of all victims of domestic violence admitted to hospital, 37% are men; a very significant number. Surveys of perpetrators and victims of intimate partner violence in a study in Rouen, France by Thureau et al. (2012) indicate that only sexual violence would be systematically less common in male abuse than in female abuse.
Lesbian relationships
Partner violence is also very common in lesbian relationships; in fact, lesbian women (after bisexual women) are the most likely to become victims of intimate partner violence. This is also for heterosexual men and women. Research in America has shown that 17%-45% of all lesbian women will become victims of intimate partner violence at some point in their lives. Although this will not be discussed further, this once again points to the fact that women can also be potentially violent within a relationship.
Cause of the violence
As with female abuse, the causes of male abuse are very complex. There is often a form of reciprocity, in which both the woman and the man cross the line. This often starts with a discussion that can ultimately lead to a fight. However, one-sided violence will be committed more often by women. In unilateral abuse, the cause of the abuse lies in the psyche of the perpetrator and not in the behavior of the victim. Yet the perpetrator will try to shift her responsibility to the victim. For example, perpetrators will not comply with demands (e.g. ,he didn’t hand over his mobile phone, or ,he didn’t come home when I asked,) or create certain feelings (e.g. ,he didn’t make me feel to be me, or ,he made me sad by arriving late,) to justify aggression. They do not place the blame for the actions on themselves, but on the victim. The victim can grant as many demands as he wants, but the violence will never end as long as the perpetrator does not realize that he has a serious problem.
Purpose of the violence
Usually the aim of violence is to gain control over the victim; both in the present and the future. This need for control can arise from fear (of losing the partner), sadness, frustration or anger. In rare cases, the violence can also be completely random.
Types of violence
Women can use various forms of violence to abuse their partners. These are no different from the violence men use against their partners.
Physically
Women can use physical violence just like men. In addition to physical damage, this also has serious psychological consequences. The following forms of physical violence can occur, among others.
Women are perfectly capable of seriously hurting or even killing men / Source: Claudio Scott, Pixabay
Physical violence against the partner
Physical violence can manifest itself in various forms. Hitting, biting, kicking and scratching are often the unarmed attacks that a victim has to endure. In addition, the partner can also use weapons such as knives, clubs and firearms. Household items such as plates, forks or chairs are also regularly used as a weapon to hurt the man.
There is a perception among some groups in society that physical violence by a woman is not possible or serious because a man is physically stronger than a woman. However, women can hurt a man very badly even if she were weaker than her husband. An incorrect blow or bump from a woman on the temples, Adam’s apple, testicles, eyes, ears or another weak spot can lead to serious (permanent) injury. Moreover, violent women are more likely to arm themselves to bridge the physical difference. Research by Brown (2004) indicated that women are much more likely to use boiling water, rocks, guns and baseball bats than men when committing domestic violence.
Moreover, many men do not dare to defend themselves against a violent woman. They have learned not to hit a woman, or they are afraid of being seen as a wife beater or getting into trouble with the police. This is despite the fact that in some cases proportionate force would fall under self-defense legislation. Within the context of male abuse, it is sometimes said that the greatest strength of female abusers is the appearance of weakness. This means that female abusers will often appear weak and pathetic to the environment and police services. In doing so, they create an environment in which they can freely hit a man, but can also count on support from the police and surrounding areas if a man were to defend himself.
Physical violence against others To threaten the partner, physical violence can be used against people and/or animals that the partner loves, such as children, (needy) parents or pets. This is with the aim of exercising control over the partner and punishing him.
Physical violence against goods In addition to violence against the person himself, physical violence can be exercised against goods. This may involve breaking jointly purchased goods or goods that the man has purchased. A typical example is damaging the man’s game consoles or cars. This again has a terrorizing and punishing effect.
Psychic
The majority of male abuse takes place at the psychological level. Through various verbal and non-verbal statements, the perpetrator will try to gain control over the victim and make him do what she wants.
Humiliation A commonly used form of abuse is humiliating the partner. Swearing, taking away a bank card, hurtful comments about sexual performance. These humiliations deeply affect the victim’s self-esteem.
Just like men, women are capable of severe psychological violence / Source: RobinHiggins, Pixabay
Threats
Victims of domestic violence are often threatened by the perpetrator. On the one hand, the perpetrator can threaten to harm the man, his environment (e.g. children ) or property. In addition, it is also common for abusive women to threaten false charges. Sometimes the perpetrator will refer to previous threats (for example, the time she broke her partner’s car) to get her way. Finally, the partner may also threaten to harm herself to get her way.
False accusations False accusations can have a very disruptive effect on the victim. Within the relationship, victims can be falsely accused of theft, cheating, or committing domestic violence themselves. This can damage the victim’s self-confidence and can cause the victim to feel constantly hunted: because when will the next accusation come?
An even more extreme form is making false accusations in public; this can be done to the environment as well as to the authorities. Men are often falsely accused of pedophilia, rape, female abuse. The impact of this is disastrous for the man; especially if the woman is believed. The man will be denounced by (part of) his environment and may possibly be prosecuted and end up unjustly in prison.
Punishment A common form of abuse is so-called punishment. The perpetrator will come up with different punishments to get her own way. She will ignore her partner, berate her, make fun of her until she gets her way.
Sexual violence
Although this is often not thought of, women also commit sexual violence. They can force a man to have sex or penetrate him with all kinds of objects. In some cases, the man may be forced to have sex with others. Sexual violence by women is an understudied topic about which relatively little is known. Yet more and more research shows that women can also commit serious sexual violence; for example, 40% to 45% of rapists (including passive penetration) are said to be women. Some of these rapes take place within relationships. Women can use physical violence, but can also blackmail, threaten or drug a man into having sex.
Consequences for the abused man
The potential psychological and physical consequences of being a victim of intimate partner violence are incalculable. As with women, men can become depressed, traumatized, hurt, maimed, die, or commit suicide as a result of the abuse.
Why are men not recognized as victims?
Taboo
There is still a great taboo surrounding male abuse, many men who are abused do not dare to speak to those around them for fear of not being believed or laughed at. While abused women find it difficult to talk about this, it is even more difficult for a man. Men are seen as physically stronger and able to counter aggression; a man who cannot defend himself is, according to some, a ‘weak’ or ‘not a real’ man.
However, what most people forget is that many men refuse to respond to physical violence with physical violence out of principle, good manners or fear of being prosecuted or hurting their partner. In addition, ironically, a man who would defend himself is often seen as a wife abuser. This creates an extremely difficult situation for the man; on the one hand they are ridiculed if they allow themselves to be abused, while on the other hand they become a ‘wife beater’ if they defend themselves.
Moreover, much aggression (both by men and women) does not only take place in a physical form. Psychological abuse such as making threats, controlling, insulting or blackmailing is much more common. These are matters where the physical dominance of the man does not really apply.
What is possibly even more taboo is sexual violence against men. Men are expected to seduce women and be ‘hunters’. The story of a woman who rapes a man is therefore something that is deeply taboo. Few men will dare to come public with their rape story, despite the fact that many men are sexually abused and raped every year in Belgium and the Netherlands.
Self-denial
Many men will deny or not recognize that they are being abused; they themselves consider it impossible that they are being mistreated. Precisely because society mainly indicates that women are victims of abuse. To that extent, they themselves contribute to the under-reporting of the problem.
Not being believed and recognized
If men dare to come forward about their abuse, many abused men are not believed by those around them. Sometimes this is because the perpetrator in question plays to the environment and appears much nicer to the outside world than she is at home. However, much more often men are not believed because male abuse is considered impossible. It is often dismissed as impossible, or the man did deserve the violence. The incorrect belief that women do not harm others plays a role in this.
No argument should result in violence / Source: Josethestoryteller, Pixabay
This problem not only occurs in the immediate environment of the victim, but also in the official authorities. Research has shown that men admitted to hospital for injuries sustained as a result of intimate partner violence are only recognized as victims in 21% of cases. Some police services, doctors and judges also estimate that the chance that men will actually be abused is very low. They also do not expect that male abuse is a problem and that men can defend themselves due to their physically stronger position. The bias that men are not victims can also lead to them following female perpetrators in false counter-complaints. This makes the situation even more difficult for the man. Government services will often only intervene in the most extreme and distressing cases where there is an actual danger to the life of the man in question. This is witnessed, for example, by the gigantic imbalance in the number of refuges for abused men compared to the number of refuges for abused women.
In addition to social disbelief, there are also certain (especially feminist) opinion makers and institutions that refuse to recognize male abuse because this goes against their general view that men oppress women. In these people’s eyes, women are a priori victims of men and can therefore never become perpetrators.
Punishment too low
Punishment and prosecution of domestic violence is low; especially when it comes to female perpetrators. If women are punished, they receive proportionately much lower sentences for similar offenses than male criminals. This ensures that abusive women are prosecuted less and punished less for similar offenses committed by a man. Moreover, making false accusations as part of the abuse is rarely prosecuted. A 2010 Dutch study into perpetrators of domestic violence showed that 60% of perpetrators were women, while 93% of perpetrators incarcerated for domestic violence were men.
What can you do as an abused man?
Despite these problems, abused men can do different things. As an abused man, you need to examine your own relationship. Do you abuse each other? Then talk to each other and go to couples therapy. Are you a one-sided victim or does your wife/girlfriend always start the fights? Then acknowledge that you are being abused and seek help. Talk to your doctor about this; There are many more men who encounter this problem than you think, and your doctor has probably encountered this situation. In case of serious abuse, it is best to call the police as quickly and often as possible. Only by submitting as many findings and complaints as possible can you protect yourself later and possibly have the abuser convicted. Don’t be stopped by any disbelief and ridicule from the police: they are obliged to record your story. If they do not want to do this, you can always file a complaint with an ombudsman service. Only by exposing the police and the system to as much male abuse as possible can a change occur and the problem be recognized.