How do people choose a partner? We don’t like everyone, we don’t date everyone and we certainly don’t jump between the sheets with the first person we meet. People are picky when it comes to partners. What do men and women pay attention to when choosing a partner?
The search for a partner
It’s almost eight o’clock. Twenty men and just as many women gather in a café. They don’t know each other. Yet some people immediately start talking to each other, while others look around a bit awkwardly. Soon they will be allowed to talk to each of the men or women for three minutes. That is the concept of a typical speed dating evening, where the search for a suitable partner begins for forty people. All people are selective to some extent when it comes to a life partner. What demands do we humans place on our life partner? And where does that preference actually come from?
Woman chooses her partner differently
According to evolutionary biologists and psychologists, our ancestors had a major say in our choice of partner. They were hunter-gatherers. The men hunted game, and the women gathered fruit, tubers and nuts. Until 10,000 years ago this was the dominant way of life. The strategies they used to choose the right partner are still reflected in our behavior. Who we fall for, who we share a bed with and with whom we want to start a large family, is largely determined in our genes.
It works like this: as long as there are women available, a man can in principle have countless children on earth . But a woman can only be pregnant by one man at a time. So if we look at how people lived tens of thousands of years ago, women had to be very picky. Every time a woman has sex, she runs the risk of becoming pregnant. Pregnancy is a huge investment.
Investing in a partner
This applies not only to the nine months that the baby is in the womb, but especially to the years that follow. A woman must also feed and raise a child. So she prefers a man who helps with this and has the means to protect her and her offspring. It’s a bit different for men. They only have to supply their seed and then they can simply disappear. We still see this difference in pickiness today. This especially applies to so-called ‘one-night stands’. When it comes to a committed relationship, a man benefits just as much from being choosy. After all, he also invests in possible children.
The best man a woman can have from an evolutionary point of view is healthy and fertile, and has a lot of time, attention, money and food for her and the children. In great apes, which have longer relationships like humans, females therefore prefer a dominant male. He can protect his ‘family’ better and has more access to good food than other males. In humans this is similar to status. In all cultures, men are concerned with status and power. And in all cultures, women prefer those types of men. On average, these men also father more offspring. We have a much more complex society now than 10,000 years ago, but it still plays a role. The characteristics that yield status and power vary, but it is in the man to strive for status.
Young is preferred
The ambitious and powerful man must of course spend his earnings on his own wife and not on another. Therefore, a woman will pay attention to personality and behavior that will show her that he is willing to do so. A man who invests in a long-term relationship always runs the risk of unwittingly investing in a child that she has secretly created with another man. And that is why men have developed a preference for women who are faithful. A man will look for qualities that demonstrate this.
Research shows that men and women are equally picky when it comes to a long-term relationship. Then they find intelligence, friendliness, a sense of humor and, above all, loyalty very important. Fertility is highly valued by men, albeit unconsciously. They find women with a certain body type attractive. For example, the ratio of a woman’s waist and hips is an indication of fertility. Men consider these types of appearance more important than women.
Men also look for youthfulness. Men want young women, at their most reproductive age. Then they can have many children. The preference for younger women increases as men get older. The age gap between a man and his preferred woman then continues to widen. Women are less picky about age. Because men are fertile all their lives.
Genes give off scent
Body odor also plays a role in mate choice, because it is a signal for genetic quality. People are absolutely unaware of that. Genes certainly play a role when it comes to preference for a particular partner. These are genes involved in the immune system. It was already known that a number of animal species prefer a partner with different ‘defense genes’ than they have themselves.
Scientists have also conducted this research on humans. They made women smell the scent of different men. What turned out? Women had a clear preference for the scents of men with a different gene package than themselves. But smell is not the only criterion with which they make the distinction. Researchers also showed women portraits of different men. Once again, women had a certain preference for men with a certain gene package. Only now it worked the other way around. Now men with the same genetic package were the most attractive. Why we prefer someone who is genetically different when it comes to body odor, but choose the same genes based on appearance, remains a mystery. Scientists suspect that this has to do with the right balance in the genes for the best results. In this way, people unconsciously make a selection to provide our children with a better genetic package.
Wrong man because of pill
Women who take the pill run the risk of ending up with the wrong man. Scientists discovered that women who take hormonal contraception are attracted to different men than pill-free women. The scientists presented women with photos of different types of men and asked them who they would choose for a longer relationship. Under the influence of the pill, women fall for the macho man with a strong jawline and prominent cheekbones. Women who do not take the pill pay more attention to the more sensitive types with a more feminine appearance. This would be smarter for a longer relationship. Men with softer facial lines are more sensitive and trustworthy, while macho men divorce and cheat more often. According to the researchers, it could be that a woman who stops taking the pill suddenly realizes that she is saddled with the wrong one.