If you have family and friends, you probably want to be with them during the holidays. Preferably together with that one special person in your life. After all, there is a great emphasis on fun and togetherness. But that’s not for all of us. Sometimes your husband has to work on these days at the fire brigade or police, or your wife works in a restaurant or hospital, for example. Or your boyfriend or girlfriend is needed with his/her children? And what about the COVID-19 pandemic and the impact of the corona measures on being together. How do you get through the holidays?
- Without a loved one
- Put it in perspective
- It’s okay to miss
- Create your own traditions and rituals
- Focus on what and who is there
- Get out, rain or shine
- Seek out others
- Think of alternatives
- Enjoy everything about it
- Find the connection
- Find the connection
- Online together
- Don’t be blind
- Children
- It’s about giving
Without a loved one
What if you and your loved one can’t be together at Christmas because he has the children. Or because she has to work. Or because your wife is too ill to celebrate with you. Or because your husband needs to be with his mother, while you are with the children. And the corona measures also mean that we may not be able to convert our connection with each other into close contact. There may be all kinds of reasons why you are not spending the holidays with the person you would most like to be with. The loss you feel is sometimes difficult to control. Everything around you reminds you and everyone around you rejoices and makes plans. And you? You feel alone. You feel disappointed. Why others and not you? It seems like the end of the world. But if you keep thinking like that, you’re not helping yourself. And neither does your loved one(s). What can you do?
Put it in perspective
First of all: relax! Of course, holidays are important to experience together, but not the most important. These days too just pass by. Before you know it, January will be stretched out before us: a landscape of possibilities as far as the eye can see. And therefore also to enjoy together.
It’s okay to miss
If you cannot be together due to circumstances, this says nothing about your relationship. You may feel lonely at a certain moment, but the other person probably misses you too and thinks about you too. In any case, tell the other person that you are dreading the time apart. Maybe you already know how he or she can help you? If the other person knows that you miss him or her, it is probably a small effort to take that into account.
Create your own traditions and rituals
Don’t focus too much on what you should or should do. Try to detach yourself from expectations and desires. If you are only concerned with what could or should have been, you miss what is. And that’s usually more than you think. You don’t have to adapt. Traditions and insights also change over time, so why not determine for yourself what you find important and look at what is possible? In the past you had to go to church or to family. Now you can largely fill it in yourself. If Christmas is a day for you and your children to do crafts together or cook together or organize a treasure hunt through the neighborhood, in the absence of your friend, then that is also very nice.
Focus on what and who is there
The best you can do is make the most of it. Enjoy the people you have around you, or enjoy the unexpectedly quiet day by watching a movie, going on a trip or taking out your photography or drawing supplies that you otherwise never have time for. Try not to focus too much on the person you miss and what he or she is doing. Everything you pay attention to grows. Make yourself comfortable. Focus on yourself and what you want to do. Today it is possible! And the good news is, you can start counting down right away, time flies when you’re having fun.
Get out, rain or shine
Agree with yourself that you will at least go out for a while. Just a different perspective, a breath of fresh air through your head. Contact with the outside world can also provide greater connection with it. Especially if you look for the similarities and you focus on the beautiful and feel grateful about that. Does the sun shine or shine? What are the cloud formations high above you called? Or is the weather not nice and is it raining or drizzling? By experiencing everything consciously you experience it more intensely from within yourself.
Seek out others
Many people are alone during the holidays. Some by choice, others out of necessity. If you don’t want to be alone, look for opportunities to get together with others. Let as many people as possible know that you need company and that you don’t really want to be alone. Please indicate this as early as possible. Then you give others a chance to take it into account. Maybe friends or family will open the door for you. You suddenly hear about a party that is being organized and where you are welcome. Or organize something yourself, a movie night for example. Or a dinner on Boxing Day, for example, with everyone’s leftovers from Christmas Day, so that others can visit you.
Several churches and institutions are open on Christmas Day. You can contact the Salvation Army. Maybe you can also help out somewhere as a volunteer? That doesn’t necessarily have to be during Christmas or New Year’s Eve. You can also help in the run-up to the holidays or afterwards. This gives yourself a goal and doesn’t just focus on the holidays themselves.
Think of alternatives
If Christmas or New Year’s Eve are very important to you, you might be able to celebrate Christmas together on another day. Together with your loved one you can think of an alternative New Year’s Eve on a different day. What would you like to do together to say goodbye to the old year and mark the beginning of the new year? Would you like to exchange gifts? Write thank you notes to each other? Write down to each other what your plans for the future are and what you want to achieve together in the new year? Or are you planning a weekend away? Or try out snowboarding together and try something new? Anything that suits you, so that you can reflect on it in your own way.
Enjoy everything about it
The holidays are about much more than just the days themselves. There may be so many things you can do together in the preparations. Decorating the Christmas tree, decorating the house, buying presents, setting the menu, doing the shopping. These are all activities to do together and thus celebrate a little, whether you are there or not.
Find the connection
Discuss with your loved one what everyone will do during the holidays, so that you know what your plans are. That can also give a feeling of connection. Then you know what the other person is doing. That may give you more strength to actually do it, if you have difficulty filling your own time.
Find the connection
Use modern technology during the holidays: take photos, send messages that you share with others. This way you include the other person in what you do and you are still somewhat together.
Online together
If you can’t be together physically, you can still connect with each other by visiting each other online. Use one of the many platforms that allow you to make video calls with each other. This includes Zoom, Slack, Skype, MS Teams, WhatsApp, Facebook (Messenger), and so on. Agree in advance that you will call each other (video) and do something together. Eat the same meal at the same time (and make it an experience for both of you). Have a drink together or watch a film or television series. Quality is more important than quantity: fifteen minutes of real contact goes a long way. It brings you closer together. And if you know in advance when you will meet and what you will do, you don’t have to miss the anticipation.
Don’t be blind
Don’t be dazzled by the Christmas-lit living rooms, the clinking crystal glasses, the beautiful jewelry or the sparkling laughter. From the outside everything seems more beautiful. If you compare, it is always better somewhere. That’s not necessary. Your time will come again or again.
Children
Do you have to miss your children because they are with your ex during the holidays? Your children may also have to miss their father or mother during the holidays. In all cases, it is good to think together about what is important: giving more of your own meaning to the holidays or planning an alternative so that you can still celebrate together.
It’s about giving
If you dive into the December bubble, the holidays seem to be the pinnacle. Everyone has to look beautiful, everything has to radiate luxury, the most expensive gifts are actually not good enough, because it is a party after all. And then we unpack! We often forget that this festival is mainly motivated by commerce. Actually, this time can also be about introspection and giving, not necessarily about displaying and receiving. You decide that yourself. You can focus on what you have experienced, be grateful for what was. And looking forward to what may come. And who of course. Ultimately, the connection with the other person makes everything worthwhile. And then time doesn’t matter. Only quality counts.