Parents who practice Attachment Parenting are often accused of spoiling their child. Is this correct? Do you get spoiled children with AP? You will find answers in this article.
Spoiled children
Definition
First of all, it is important to clearly define what spoiled children are. The description is largely similar in many cultures, although there are regional differences depending on the prevailing parenting culture. In general it can be said that spoiled children have no respect for their parents. They express this through disrespectful behavior ( depending on the cultural context ), such as demanding toys or candy, demanding that parents carry them around, hysteria when something is refused, and in some cases parental abuse ( emotional or physical ).
Cause
Spoiled behavior makes it clear that the child has no respect for other people’s boundaries at all: he or she regularly exceeds boundaries for his or her own interests. It is therefore logical to conclude that this behavior arises because the child has not learned this. During the first years of our lives we go through a socialization phase ( according to some educational philosophies this phase lasts 3 years, others talk about 5 years and still others 7 years. The fact is that it happens in the first years of the child’s life ). During the socialization phase, the child learns the prevailing social etiquette in society. He also learns that other people also have their own will and that he cannot impose his will on others. He is taught to take others into account ( sharing toys for example ).
If a child always gets what his heart desires, he will not learn that others are also entitled to something. If something is denied to him, he will look for a method to get what he or she wants ( every parent recognizes this during the ,terrible two, ). Once he has exhausted his repertoire of possible behavior patterns, he will accept that this is the way it is and adjust his behavior. This is where things sometimes go wrong: for many parents it is difficult to deny something to the apple of their eye. Their own childhood experiences also play a role ( a parent who had few toys as a child will be more likely to give in because he knows the sadness of not having decent toys while your friends do ). There are often other factors such as guilt or fear of losing the child. As a result, the parent will continually erase their own boundaries to the benefit of the child. The child then learns that he is the boss and can do anything he wants and that others will make sacrifices for his benefit.
Relationship between AP and spoiled children
The aim of classical parenting methods is to turn the child into a socially adapted person who lives according to certain rules. For this it is important that the child learns the social rules as young as possible. To enforce these rules, clear boundaries are needed. What the child wants is subordinate to what society wants. Therefore, the child must learn to listen ( and obey ).
With AP, the goal is to help the child develop into an individual in a safe environment. To determine which direction the child wants to go, it is important to listen to the child. What does the child want? What can the child do? What options are there to achieve the child’s goal? What society wants is then subordinate to what the child wants.
Because the boundaries with AP are not as strictly defined as with the classic parenting method, it may seem to some as if there are no boundaries at all and the children are allowed to do anything ( and disrespectfully cross other people’s boundaries ). However, with AP there are limits. These boundaries are flexible ( depending on the child and the situation ) while the boundaries in classical education are very fixed ( the same for everyone ). The fact that a number of parents who do not dare to set boundaries ( and thus spoil their children ) hide behind AP also confirms this prejudice.
Why AP does not lead to spoiled children
Empathy is one of the ideals at AP. If it is within your means, it is certainly advisable to listen to your children. This way you build a stronger bond. Empathy means listening without judgment ( and without prejudice ) to the message that is being told to you. This means that you have to put your own feelings aside and listen without judging.
Empathy serves to build a dialogue: if you listen to me, there is a good chance that I will listen to you too. If you don’t listen to me, I will get angry and it is very unlikely that I will listen to you. From this you can deduce that you should not only listen to your child: once your child has told his message, it is important that you also tell your message. This way you build a dialogue in which your child learns that others also have emotions and boundaries. It will teach empathy.
The child discovers the boundaries himself: nothing should be imposed on him from outside. As a result, motivation also comes from within ( intrinsic motivation ): the behavior is changed because the child wants it and not because it is forced. The child also understands why the behavior is not acceptable, while some social rules are very difficult to understand.
Because the child learns to listen to others, the child will also respect other people’s boundaries and emotions ( because his boundaries and emotions are also taken into account ). This will make it easier to listen to parents when they say something is not allowed, because they will know that there is a good reason for it. They are less likely to become hysterical or demand things. This is typical behavior for children who do not understand the rules ( and to whom the rules seem arbitrary ).
Just a practical example: a child whines to the mother that he wants to be carried. The mother can briefly say no without explanation and ignore the hysterical statements. It is then not clear to the child why it is not possible now ( while his mother was carrying him yesterday when he asked ). It then seems arbitrary. Or the mother can briefly say the reason ( mom has back pain ). Many children will keep trying ( that’s just human nature ), but if the mother calmly repeats the reason, they will accept it. He knows that his mother will carry him when she feels better.
How to prevent your children from being spoiled
Below are a number of practical tips that also fit within other parenting methods.
- Communicate clearly without feelings of guilt at your child’s level.
- Why are you tempted to give in? Does your child need it or did you need it as a child?
- Do not escalate the situation. If necessary, provide a time-out that fits within your parenting method.
- Stay consistent: a no remains a no.
- Make it clear to your child that a no is not a personal rejection and that you still care about him.
- Find a solution that fits within your parenting method to really resolve the conflict. An unresolved conflict keeps recurring.