Both in the real world and in the virtual world, people with different parenting methods attack each other. Because Attachment Parenting is relatively unknown in our culture, it is often criticized. But real AP’ers also dare to openly disapprove of other parenting methods. How do you deal with people with different parenting methods? The tips in this article can also be used for other conflict situations.
Upbringing
Then and now
In the past, it was self-evident that everyone raised their children largely the same: they all went to the same school and learned at home the rules that prevailed within their (sub)culture. But now the world has become smaller and we come into contact more quickly with people with different views and like-minded people all over the world. This has consequences for our culture and the prevailing parenting methods within our culture.
Parents are now free to raise their child as they wish ( within the limits of the laws of the country in which they live ). There are many information channels at their disposal, with the Internet being the most important and fastest medium. Young parents with questions are more likely to search the Internet for answers than, for example, to make an appointment with a doctor. The anonymity of the Internet is the main reason for this. This way they come into contact with other possibilities.
In the past, you went to your parents with all your questions about parenting and child care. If they couldn’t help you, you went to specialists. This guided you into the paths of your parents’ parenting method and the prevailing method within your culture . People often did not know that there were other answers to their question. Now, however, they receive many answers to a simple question and have to find out for themselves which answer is their answer. Many turn to the familiar answers they hear in their immediate environment, but others discover a new world with different possibilities. Because the answers can be very different, this sometimes leads to conflict. There is often misunderstanding why someone else’s own parenting method is not applied. In the real world, this can lead to a rift between family or friends. The virtual world is full of diatribes and parodies about other parenting methods. It is especially popular on forums to attack those who think differently.
Why are there different parenting methods?
The method you choose depends on the goal you want to achieve. How do you want your child to behave in the world tomorrow? How do you want to achieve that? What do you want to give your child? The answers to these questions are personal and depend on your personality and your capabilities.
An example: In family A, mom and dad want their child to grow up to be an individual with their own opinion. They want their child to dare to stand up for themselves and others. To achieve this, the child must be critical and be able to form his or her own judgement. They also want their child to be able to develop his own talents. Personal development and independence are very important to them. They see themselves as helpers in the learning process.
Family B thinks differently about this: mom and dad want their child to be a valuable part of society when they grow up. They want their child to have a career and go through life with confidence. Social adjustment and personal development in a desired direction are central to education. They see themselves as an authority within the learning process.
While family A tends to have flexible rules, family B will have strict rules. Strict rules for family A do not fit in with their upbringing: if they want their child to discover the world for themselves , they should not restrict the child too much. The rules are often drawn up together with the child through dialogue. For family B, flexible rules would prevent their child from having a successful career because he would question the rules. The rules are drawn up by the parents according to the prevailing rules in society. The children in family A know that they can explore safely, while the children in family B know that a safe zone has been defined for them.
Although the upbringing is completely different ( and the parents in a conflict situation would accuse each other of being bad parents and not caring about their children ), both parents love their children very much and want the best for their child. The definition of ,the best, is just different.
Conflicts
Why are there conflicts?
The most obvious reason is that people interpret a different parenting method as criticism of their own method ( this works, right? why would you do it differently? ). People are often convinced that their own method is the only real one and all deviating methods are not good and defending them is like criticizing.
Some parents begin to question their own method and their own purpose, and because they are confused, they attack the guilty party. Factors such as uncertainty about one’s own parental role or a negative self-image also play an important role.
Another reason is that the parent would like a different parenting method, but is unable due to circumstances. Someone else who can do it confirms the frustration. Instead of resolving the frustration, they attack the person who brought it up.
By entering into a discussion with a parent who thinks differently, your own method is also reinforced. By defending the parenting method, the parent confirms to himself that he is indeed doing the right thing. Arguments such as the development of the child are often used. You can regard this as a kind of evaluation of your own method.
There is also a confusion between assertiveness and aggressiveness in our culture. Assertiveness is increasingly encouraged. It is important that you can formulate your own opinion and that you dare to stand up for yourself. However, many forget that you must do this without hurting or attacking someone else. For example, they exhibit aggressive behavior that they package as assertive.
Resolving conflicts
The best way, of course, is prevention. Yet many parents cannot remain silent when they see that a child is being raised in a completely different way than they think is right. They want to help the parent and child find the right path. Although the intentions are well-intentioned, this often leads to pointless (and endless) discussions about who is right and who is a good parent. However, you don’t have to remain silent to avoid conflict. A dialogue with someone who thinks differently can help you express your opinion without an argument. It is important that both parties are open to each other and willing to listen without judging. Respect for each other’s opinions is very important.
If a conflict arises, you can get carried away with the emotions. But there are better ways to express your emotions. During a pointless discussion you will not only hurt someone else, but you will also be hurt yourself. Therefore, it is better to resolve a conflict before it escalates.
Below are some tips. Together these tips form the word RESPECT. Respect is necessary to form a dialogue.
- Rest: relax for a while to become aware of your own emotions.
- Accept emotions.
- View the situation objectively.
- Accepting a person: seeing the other person as a person.
- Emotions: listening to the other person’s emotions.
- Contact: making contact by showing understanding ( and possibly finding a solution together ).
- Return to yourself with respect for others and yourself ( and repeat the steps if necessary ).
Finally
There is no good or bad parenting method if the parent uses the method because he believes it is for the benefit of the child and if the method will not harm the child.