Narcissism is a serious condition characterized by a lack of empathy and an unmet need for attention and affirmation. A narcissistic parent functions on attention and confirmation and in fact cannot do without it. As a result, a narcissistic parent will do everything he can to meet his need for attention and confirmation, even if this is at the expense of those close to him. Growing up with a narcissistic parent means that a child has no room for the child’s own needs, its own boundaries and its own wishes. Everything revolves around meeting the needs of the narcissistic parent, which causes serious psychological damage to the child. It is quite a job to recover from this in adulthood.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent
When a child grows up in a home in which a narcissistic parent holds sway, the child has learned that it only matters when it meets the expectations of others, especially the expectations of the narcissistic parent. The child learned to continuously attune to the wishes and needs of the narcissistic parent and knew that if he did not meet them, there was danger. This danger could be expressed in the form of deprivation of love, punishment, psychological or sometimes physical abuse. The child has learned to be constantly on guard. As a result, there was no room to develop their own identity, separate from the narcissistic parent. Everything revolved around keeping the narcissistic parent happy: a parent who lacked genuine love, empathy and self-reflection. And which was purely and solely focused on meeting one’s own need for narcissistic nourishment (attention and confirmation).
Steps towards recovery
Often a child who grew up with a narcissistic parent does not realize what has happened to him until adulthood. There are then a number of steps that the adult child can take to organize his own life according to his own wishes, boundaries, needs and feelings and to develop his own authentic identity, separate from the identity that the child has adopted within the family. origin. These steps are:
- Gain information about narcissism and narcissistic parenting;
- Accept that the parents will not change;
- Recognize and acknowledge patterns within the family of origin;
- Learning to feel one’s own feelings;
- Learning to set boundaries;
- Practicing self-love;
- Awareness about human magnet syndrome and attraction;
- To tolerate feelings towards the parents and allow them to be without judgement
1. Learn about narcissism and narcissistic parenting
When an adult child of a narcissistic parent just becomes aware of the fact that he grew up with a narcissistic parent, it is important that he informs himself about narcissism. Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to narcissism. It is advisable to use good and reliable sources of information to get the most honest possible picture of what narcissism is, how it manifests itself and what the consequences can be. Information sources can consist of articles, but also books or videos on YouTube.
2. Accept that the parents will not change
One of the biggest challenges for a child raised with a narcissistic parent is learning to accept that a narcissistic parent will not turn into the parent the adult child longs for. Many people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder will not be inclined to see the need to seek help themselves due to a lack of empathy and self-reflection. Learning to accept this is actually an enormous grieving process for the adult child for the parent he did not have, does not have and will not have. That is intense, heavy, painful and confrontational.
3. Recognize and acknowledge patterns within the family of origin
Next to a narcissistic parent there is often a parent who enables . The enabling parent excuses the narcissistic parent’s behavior, stands up for the narcissistic parent and maintains the destructive narcissistic patterns. Often the enabling parent openly sides with his partner, even if this means abandoning his children and choosing not to protect his children from narcissistic abuse. This can feel like a huge betrayal for a child who grew up with a narcissistic parent. The fact is that the enabling parent is also trapped and a victim of narcissistic abuse by his partner.
In a family with a narcissistic parent there is often a golden child and a scapegoat. The narcissistic parent is a star at playing the other family members against themselves and each other. As a child of a narcissistic parent, you may feel like you are alone. It is good to realize that both the enabling parent and the brother(s) and/or sister(s) within the family are all victims of the manipulative behavior of the narcissistic parent. It can have a healing effect to form a front against the narcissistic parent with the enabling parent, the brother(s) and/or sister(s), to support and understand each other. However, when the other family members are not aware or do not want to be aware of the narcissism within the family, it is important for the adult child to maintain their own boundaries and keep their distance from the destructive family situation. No matter how painful.
4. Learning to feel your own feelings
A growing child of a narcissistic parent has learned to suppress, fear or condemn their own feelings. After all, there was no room for one’s own feelings while growing up. Often the child was punished for having negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, pain, disappointment, because the child was a burden to the narcissistic parent. The narcissistic parent’s need for attention and confirmation was not met, because the child needed attention and confirmation at that moment. A narcissistic parent may react strongly to the child’s negative feelings by shaming, condemning, belittling, ignoring or becoming angry with the child. In adulthood, a child who grew up with a narcissistic parent will tend to have a harsh judgment about his feelings, because in fact the narcissistic parent has been internalized.
When an adult child of a narcissistic parent starts the process of getting to know and developing himself, it is important to learn to get in touch with his authentic feelings. Feeling what is being felt and trying to let the feelings be there without judgement. This can be quite a challenge because there was so much charge and threat from being allowed to feel and express authentic feelings.
A good start in learning to feel is to take space three times a day for what is being felt and listen to it without judgment. Is that happiness, sadness, disappointment, anger , satisfaction, frustration, peace? Step by step, as a child of a narcissistic parent, you can learn to feel what your feelings are trying to tell you about who you are, where your needs lie and what your wishes and boundaries are.
5. Learn to set boundaries
As a child growing up with a narcissistic parent, your boundaries are constantly being violated. Narcissists cannot imagine that their children have boundaries or different needs than they do. This is due to their lack of empathy and because they see their child as an extension of themselves and not as a standalone individual. The job of the golden child is to be whoever the narcissistic parent wants him to be. The scapegoat’s job is to take all the blame for the problems that arise. Both children learn not to develop into the person they are inside and the children are forced to accept the reality of the narcissistic parent as the truth. This is extremely harmful and a form of serious psychological abuse.
As a child of a narcissistic parent, it is extremely important to learn to set healthy boundaries within relationships: friendships, family ties, work relationships, etc. This will initially cause enormous resistance, fear and frustration in the adult child of a narcissistic parent. calling from within. Precisely because setting boundaries was unsafe during childhood. It will take time, awareness, strength and perseverance to learn to feel good about setting boundaries. Every person has the right to be themselves. In the end it will be worth the investment.
6. Practicing self-love
A growing child who was blamed for everything, including things he could not do anything about, had nothing to do with or had absolutely no influence on, automatically feels guilty and responsible for things that go wrong in his life as an adult. The adult child of a narcissistic parent is prone to blaming himself for things that are beyond his control and responsibility. Often a narcissistic parent reacts with enormous anger when their child stands up for themselves. And then blames the child for this anger or other damaging behavior. The narcissistic parent is often internalized as Alien Self while growing up. A first step in practicing self-love is to stop blaming himself for things that weren’t his fault.
Practicing self-love also includes stopping destructive behavior towards yourself. Many children who grew up with a narcissistic parent have learned to deal with their feelings of unworthiness by engaging in destructive behavior. This mainly manifests itself in the form of addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, and work. By seeking relief from destructive behavior, the narcissistic parent maintains power over their adult child and puts the adult child at risk of repeating childhood traumas in the present. Self-destructive patterns are extremely difficult to break. It is not an unnecessary luxury to seek support from people who understand what narcissistic abuse entails.
Practicing self-love can start with taking good and loving care of oneself in the form of healthy behavior. This includes seeking contact with ‘safe’ others, pursuing a hobby, treating yourself, taking rest, writing in a diary.
7. Awareness of human magnet syndrome and attraction
Many children of a narcissistic parent are extra susceptible and attractive to relationships with other narcissists. This can be in the form of love relationships, but also in the form of friendships or work relationships. Often a narcissist feels familiar because the adult child is also familiar with this. However, dealing with a narcissist can cause retraumatization and often causes enormous shame for the adult child. By informing yourself about narcissism and applying what you have learned in practice, in the form of setting clear boundaries, damage can be prevented in the future. An important indicator here is that as a child of a narcissistic parent you can often rely on your intuition. When it feels as familiar and familiar as it used to be at home, it is important to investigate whether the relationship you are in is a harmful or destructive one. If this is the case, it is important to take self-protective steps.
8. Tolerate feelings towards parents and allow them to be without judgement
People naturally love their parents and people need affirmation and love from their parents. When you grew up as a child with a narcissistic parent, you were loved in a conditional way and you did not receive what every growing child needs: love, confirmation, stability, structure, security and trust. This can cause many conflicting feelings for the adult child. In this way, the adult child can simultaneously love his narcissistic parent, be angry, be sad and have a terrible need to still receive the love and confirmation that is so longed for. It is important for a child of a narcissistic parent not to judge themselves for these feelings. The conflicting feelings are normal given the abnormal situation in which the adult child of a narcissistic parent has grown up. A step in recovery is to try to discover a way that is supportive and appropriate in dealing with the family of origin. This can vary from having no contact at all and no interaction with parents, brother(s) or sister(s) or a way with strict boundaries and low expectations. It’s about what suits the adult child of a narcissistic parent best and what causes the least harm.
read more
- Narcissism and gaslighting: creating doubt through manipulation
- The narcissistic victim syndrome
- The processing stages of childhood with narcissistic parents
- Narcissistic abuse and brain damage
- The ‘alien self’ – the hostile inner critic