In all kinds of parenting programs on television it is presented as the parenting strategy: a time-out. In case of undesirable behavior, put your child aside for one minute per year of life, after which they can participate in the family again. But lately I’ve been hearing rumors that time-out is not as harmless as it seems, that it is even harmful. What exactly does that mean?
What is a time-out?
During a time-out, a child is shielded for a while as punishment from all stimuli that cause or maintain his or her undesirable behavior, including from the (negative) attention of the parents. He is taken away from the place where the unwanted behavior is taking place. The child must remain seated or standing where he or she is placed and remain still. Nanny Jo in the RTL 4 program EHBO (First Aid for Parenting) calls this punishment spot the naughty chair. The child must remain quietly standing or sitting in place for as many minutes as he or she is old. If the child moves from his place during the time-out, the caregiver puts the child back and starts the time again. The same applies when the child starts to scream or cry. Only when the child has completed the full agreed time calmly and in the agreed place will the time-out end and the child may participate again. Provided he knows how to behave, of course. The idea is to stop unwanted behavior and teach the child to self-soothe. Self-control is the underlying goal: the parents do not try to appease the child, the child must learn to do that himself.
What do the proponents of a time-out say?
Proponents do not see time-out as punishment but as an emotionally neutral parenting measure. They point out that the method is one of the most researched parenting measures available. None of the studies provide any indication that time-out has any harmful effects. At least: not if the time-out is used in what researchers call a supportive parenting climate. A time-out is of little use if the child is not at all motivated to return to the family situation (for example because it is very unpleasant or repressive). A time-out also does not help children who are punished so often that they have become immune to punishment. A time-out will hardly make an impression on those children. So it is important that educators use time-out correctly:
- Do not use time-out when a child is scared or sad
- The time-out place should be a neutral place: not a place that frightens the child, but also not a place that the child finds very pleasant.
- If a lighter measure (for example a verbal correction or a so-called ‘quiet time’ in which the child is put aside in the same room for a while) is sufficient, it is always preferable.
- Stay calm yourself and don’t let your emotions escalate
- When you give a time-out, also give a (brief) explanation why the child is being given a time-out and how long it will last
- Speak in a calm voice and do not say disparaging or hurtful things to the child
- Stay in control! You, not the child, decide when the time-out is over
- If the child leaves the time-out area prematurely, returning the child immediately is the best option
- If the child continues to scream, time will not start until he has calmed down
- Don’t give in when the child protests and kicks the door, otherwise the child will learn that making a racket has a positive effect. This is called the escalation trap
- Don’t threaten a time-out beforehand. The child must also learn to simply follow instructions
- After time-out, help the child get going by providing him with an activity and giving him positive attention as the opportunity arises
- Talk to the child about his emotions. The idea is not to suppress or ignore his emotions but to express them in an appropriate way
When time-out is used as part of positive parenting, most children will rarely need time-out.
What do opponents say about the timeout?
Opponents of time-out point out to us that children do experience time-out as a punishment. They say that children feel like they are being deprived of love and that nothing is more frightening to them than that. It causes insecurity, fear, confusion, anger, resentment and low self-esteem. Time-out can also cause embarrassment and humiliation, especially if time-out is given in the presence of other children. It does not help enough to tell the child that he still has your love. For children under the age of seven, concrete experiences and observations of reality have a much deeper impact than language.
- Time-out is an authoritarian approach that teaches children to accept the power and authority of adults
- It teaches children that love is a tool of power that you can give out or withhold to get your way and that you resolve a conflict by withholding your love from someone.
- You tell your children that you don’t want them around you when they are angry or upset. They become convinced that you won’t listen to them anyway and will soon stop coming to you with their problems.
- You teach children to suppress their feelings by forcing them to be quiet. Crying and ranting are healthy ways to release tension that we should not deprive our children of
- A time-out does nothing to address the underlying problem, it only treats the symptoms. It teaches the child to undo unwanted behavior but does nothing about the feelings that led to that behavior. A child who is jealous of his brother will no longer argue with him in front of his parents but will remain jealous.
Furthermore, opponents dismiss the argument that children will reflect on their actions and try to regain their self-control during time-out as nonsense. When children are given a time-out, they are so full of pent-up feelings that they are simply unable to think clearly. Opponents of a time-out advocate talking to the child. Listening attentively to the child and ensuring that he expresses his feelings honestly is the best way to prevent him from engaging in unwanted behavior again.
Conclusion
I am confident that if you use timeout correctly, you will need it very little. In some situations, in my opinion, a time-out is simply the best solution. If a child continues to upset himself or continues to do things that are absolutely not allowed despite repeated warnings, I see few other options. You have already tried the alternatives offered by opponents of the time-out (listening attentively) and sometimes they are simply not sufficient. Anyone who knows something better can say so.