Every relationship has its ups and downs. Of course, it sometimes happens that you and your partner cannot get through a door. However, there is a difference between an argument from time to time and being constantly belittled, scolded or hit. In the latter case there is abuse of power by one of the partners, we can speak of domestic violence. It is often difficult for a man or woman to recognize whether he/she is in a relationship where there is domestic violence. Often things have been going on for years that are not right, things that would not occur in a ‘normal’ relationship. For someone who is in a relationship in which psychological or physical violence occurs regularly, it can be very difficult to actually mention the relationship in the same sentence as domestic violence. Yet recognizing and acknowledging domestic violence is one of the first steps back to freedom.
Recognizing an unequal relationship
There are a number of things that can indicate domestic violence:
- Your partner argues for hours on end, insults you and then says he/she didn’t do that at all. Or he/she does other things that make you insecure and make you doubt yourself.
- Yes, your partner tells you what to do and what not to do. He/she takes away your freedom by keeping you away from friends and family.
- Your partner has a drinking or drug problem and is not actively working to solve this problem. He does not have this intention either.
- Your partner chooses to move regularly, so to speak, to start over. In fact, in this way he/she keeps you away from acquaintances and family.
- Your partner has difficulty controlling his/her own emotions, such as anger.
- Your partner regularly (almost every day) blames you for his/her problems and he always blames others for his problems. As a result, he/she places himself/herself in the role of victim and makes you feel guilty.
- Your partner regularly scolds you or belittles you.
- You catch yourself doing or not doing things because otherwise your partner will become upset, or because he/she threatens to leave you.
- Your partner threatens you and/or has threatened others in the past to get his/her way or right.
- Your partner destroys things you care about, or makes them disappear when you’ve done something he/she doesn’t like.
As you can see from the above characteristics, domestic violence has not only a physical, but also a mental variant. Mind manipulation, for example by constantly hurting or putting you down, can also lead to you giving in to your partner. In this case there is by no means equality within the relationship.
A few more things to ask yourself
- Has your partner and your relationship changed for the worse over time?
- Do your plans change regularly so that your partner gets his/her way?
- Do you constantly deny your partner’s faults?
- Has one of your old friends (a friend you knew before your relationship started) ever said something about your friend that you didn’t notice/hear? Have you denied this? The question is whether your friend really heard/noticed it wrong, maybe you didn’t want to hear/see it all this time.
- Are you losing contact with old friends and/or family?
What to do if you are in a ‘wrong’ relationship
- No matter how hard it is, try to talk to someone about it. Preferably choose a family member or friend who you knew before you got into a relationship. This person will almost certainly take your side.
- Try not to keep in touch with your partner’s friends too much. They will (un)consciously take your partner’s side.
If you choose to leave
- Little by little, collect the things that mean a lot to you. Don’t leave this until the last minute. Don’t take too much with you, choose carefully.
- Consider temporary accommodation. This accommodation is preferably at least a 30-minute drive from your partner. It is best to go to an address that your partner does not know. All of these things reduce the chance that your partner will pursue you.
- Don’t threaten to leave. Given the nature of your partner, he/she will make you very insecure. Decide for yourself when you go and go, don’t talk about it in advance.