It sounds different from a “normal” blackmail, but emotional blackmail is not about vulgar possessions such as money or goods, but it is only about emotion and the possession, control or abuse of this emotion. An extremely personal matter. Strangely enough, many people don’t even notice it at first, and it applies to both sides of the spectrum.
What is it exactly?
Emotional blackmail is a very powerful form of blackmail and is based on a certain type of person. The person who experiences certain things as serious and wants to rule them out. By manipulating he/she thinks he/she can rule this out. Consider things like:
- Aggression (verbal and non-verbal) gives a powerful feeling.
- The person always comes first and the other person hardly counts.
- Hating loss/saying goodbye to not wanting to accept it.
- There are no compromises.
- Own gain by playing people off against each other.
- The person wants something “now”.
- Taking someone else’s opinion about something as very personal and offensive.
In fact, we are talking about scared and narrow-minded people here. People who have not learned to deal with people on an equal basis, to accept other people’s opinions and to deal with loss.
How does it work?
There are three characteristics that often form the basis for the emotional blackmailer.
- Shifting the blame to the other person
- Instill fear
- Induce the other’s obligation
Guilt
There are plenty of people who act when they are made to feel guilty. If you don’t do something for the person in question, you are not good, you are a bad person, you lose what you love so much, etc.
Fear
One of the most common aspects of emotional blackmail is scaring someone. Telling someone to leave if they do something you don’t like is one example. If you know that the other party is afraid of being left alone and may not make it on their own, this is an extremely effective method for the blackmailer and one that does not require many words.
Obligate
This is a workable way for people who have a great sense of duty. Explaining to someone with a sense of duty that only if he/she does something you want, he/she is also a good person or the sweetest or the best, there is a good chance that this person will do it to get that confirmation.
Who allows themselves to be emotionally blackmailed?
Sometimes you don’t even see it until you get to know someone better. But people who allow themselves to be blackmailed can usually be recognized by a number of things, where self-respect is at risk, self-esteem is minimal and you can even lose your integrity. In combination, consider, among other things:
- The man or woman who constantly needs confirmation and/or approval to function.
- An unstoppable sense of responsibility.
- Little to no authority. The other knows better.
- The quick doubter, especially focused on personal aspects.
- Self-esteem does not come from himself, but from the big house he/she lives in or the big car he/she drives.
How do you get rid of it?
For both sides, the basics are gone and they must go back to basics. The basis on which the lopsided growth started. Can often be traced back to childhood and whether it comes from the home situation, at school or within a group of friends, to solve a problem by giving it a place in life, the sting has to be removed and there you usually have a professional required.
What can you do yourself?
Of course, there are also people who try it themselves and are successful in it. This only works if you give your past a place and learn to build your self-esteem based on the person you are. There are a number of things you can do to strengthen yourself, including:
- Surround yourself with people who are happy with the person you are. You feel this best because you can always be yourself.
- See how these people respond to you when you express an opinion. Just have a conversation about why you think about things the way you do. Experience how an equal discussion proceeds.
- Respond to the blackmailer type very emphatically and calmly by explaining to him/her that everyone has their own opinion, that you find it annoying for someone that he/she finds something bad, etc., but do not give the person a grip on you and remain respectful ( even if the other person does not do this).
- Make sure you stay out of the blackmailer’s comfort zone and place yourself in an environment where you feel safe. Do this in a pleasant environment for you or simply in your head, for example by putting a glass cover around yourself. This way you ensure that the blackmailer does not enter your emotional zone.
In short, you listen to the blackmailer, but he no longer penetrates your fibers. This is of course an intense process and it is therefore advisable to get started if you form people around you who see you as a full-fledged person and are happy with you as you are. You don’t have to pretend to be better, you are good the way you are and you cannot depend on those people, because you are equal. Even then the battle will be fierce.
Finally
Sometimes these are very long processes, but so valuable. It doesn’t change the fact that you took a wrong turn somewhere in the past, but this can always be corrected. You just have to really want it and then act.