A relationship involves emotions and feelings. Emotions are visible. Your partner notices that you are irritated, whether you feel happy or not, startled, etc. Such emotions cause feelings in yourself but also in your partner. These can be pleasant, unpleasant, but also flat. Negative emotions can bring feelings that put so much pressure on a relationship that the relationship is disrupted or even broken. Uncontrolled actions by one or both of the partners can result. Although not easy, there are still ways to maintain control.
What is an emotion?
Emotion must be understood as a physically visible expression. For example, turning a color, reacting angrily, crying. We can feel an emotion, we are usually aware of it. For example, we know that we color what we find difficult because others see that we are uncomfortable.
How do emotions arise?
According to the Portuguese neurologist Damasio, emotions are generated by:
- Something from outside. For example, a comment from your partner that makes you angry.
- A sensation from within. For example, through a memory of an unpleasant situation that your partner has caused.
- An unpleasant situation whose cause is often not clearly stated. For example, you are stressed in the presence of your partner.
Emotions lead to feelings that can prompt action
Emotions arise from brain processes. When anger or fear, the brain organ, the amygdala, is active. Brain chemicals such as adrenaline, cortisol and dopamine can also trigger reactions that give you a certain feeling. Feelings are personal , they are inside you. They activate brain processes that allow you to take action (screaming, hitting, running away, freezing). Some examples:
Something from outside
A woman suspects that her husband has cheated on her while traveling abroad. When she confronts her husband about this, he gives in. She is visibly shocked (emotion), feels anger (feeling) and smashes her husband’s iPad on a table (action).
Sensation from within
You are musing and an incident comes to mind from some time ago when your partner embarrassed you in company. Your hand starts to shake (emotion) and you feel angry again (feeling).
Unpleasant situation with unclear cause
You are visibly depressed even though you are happy to be in a relationship, but it still doesn’t feel good even though you cannot explain why
Why is it not easy to control certain emotions?
Strong emotions are difficult to control. They can occur unexpectedly, but sometimes you can see them coming.
Unexpected situations
These are situations that suddenly arise and cause you to be shocked and/or deeply affected. For example, your partner informs you that he or she has fallen in love with someone else. You didn’t see it coming. This announcement has caused you great shock and you have also been deeply affected. Your emotion is clearly visible: you turn red with anger and fear, you burst into tears, scream. You can no longer think straight. Numerous processes are now taking place in your brain that throw you out of balance. Your thinking capacity is virtually disabled. Anger and fear dominate. The brain organ (amygdala) is very active. Brain chemicals such as adrenaline and serotonin are also secreted to a large extent. Your heart rate and blood pressure increase, your muscles prepare for action: aggression, running away or being unable to do anything for a while (freezing). You may even take an action that you later regret.
Not unexpected situations
This concerns situations that you already see coming but are still experienced as a shock. For example, a man whose relationship has gradually broken down cannot accept the fact that his ex, who has been living on his own for a while, has a new boyfriend. He tries everything to make her life as miserable as possible.
The thought (memory) keeps the man losing his balance. The brain chemicals and brain organs are so strong that his thinking capacity is largely used little. He has little or no control over managing his feelings. It can lead to serious forms of aggression: from stalking to assault or even worse. Situations that do not lead to such aggressive behavior can also arise. The processing has not taken place then either. Aggression can then be directed at the person himself (depression, suicide) or at other family members (children). Or flee elsewhere, with or without addiction to drugs or alcohol.
Genetic causes of emotions
It also depends on your genetic makeup. Some people have such strong emotions and associated feelings with weak thinking and braking capabilities that they have little or no control over themselves. Relationship problems can lead to serious situations for them. These are the cases in which stalking, crime of passion, killing of one’s own children, and suicide can occur. The cause is that people immediately react strongly emotionally with strong feelings that immediately lead to action. We often see this in people with poorly developed thinking skills and people who are severely stressed. Timely intervention or reflection often makes them realize later what situation they were in. They then survey the situation and have a different view on it.
Emotions you can control
Emotions that are best kept under control are mainly emotions that do not affect you too deeply to the core. For example, think of an unpleasant comment from your partner. You know that your partner can sometimes react quite unpleasantly. You feel yourself getting angry, but you activate your thinking and inhibition skills. You think: oh, never mind. You can now respond in a controlled manner by asking for an explanation calmly, without raising your voice, or by not responding at all. If you react violently, this will trigger a reaction that can cause escalation. The trick is to prevent that. This can be done by activating the thinking capacity. This allows you to put on the brakes and keep control of the situation.
How can you try to control strong emotions?
If you are completely out of balance because, for example, you heard that your partner has made out with someone else, this can cause great stress, causing you to lose control over your feelings. You know it, but you can’t figure it out yourself. What can you do?
You’re trying to change your mindset
A mindset is a way of thinking and a way of looking differently. What is necessary here is that, no matter how difficult it may be, you activate your thinking skills. You try to look at your (past) relationship differently. This can be done on your own or with help.
On your own
You make a list of points that you can help
Examples:
- You think about the negative things about your partner, you see strong points (he/she burps, smells, is lazy, etc.)
- You think about the period before you knew your partner: how did you live then (pleasant, did you also do fun things)
- You look at your relationship from a helicopter (helicopter view): was your relationship actually that good?
- You take an example from a famous person (actor, singer, athlete, etc.) who was also in a situation similar to yours, how did he deal with it?
- You know that after difficult periods there are always positive periods (after rain comes sunshine, the rain can sometimes last a bit long, but still….
- You will undertake activities (visit family, friends, play sports, etc.)
- You know that forms of aggression that make the other person’s life as miserable as possible (such as stalking, hitting, swearing, gossiping) lead to nothing, they only make everything worse.
- You are absorbed in your hobby, studies
- You consider how your potential children view your relationship: aren’t they better off by breaking up your relationship?
- …
With help
If you cannot figure it out yourself or if you need more help, it is advisable, if necessary in combination with the above, to:
Contact someone you trust: a family member, friend.
Initially, a trusted person can listen to you. and support you. A walk or exercise with a trusted person can help to bring the thinking skills back to the fore. The next step may be to seek expert help.
Seeking expert help
This will help you to restore your balance by consciously activating your thinking skills. For example, by changing your mindset.
Which doesn’t help
Even though everything in your body and especially your brain is messed up, you want to do things that lead to nothing or make everything worse and therefore make you more unstable. Examples
- drugs, alcohol
- aggression in any form
- isolate yourself completely
- dating at random (beware of dates with mentally disturbed people who initially appear nice but have an underlying intention that can drag you even further into the swamp)
- refuse any help