As a child you grow up somewhere and that is your safe haven, at least until that safe home turns out not to be so safe after all. Are you really the child of the bill? Often yes and it can have far-reaching consequences.
Safety
The safety of the home situation is essential for every child and can have far-reaching consequences for later life if this is not taken care of or only partially taken care of. A child should be able to grow up without obstacles. No double agendas and the opportunity to make mistakes and then learn from them. This is only possible if the environment is safe and the child experiences it that way.
Child of the account
The child can become the victim in all kinds of situations, even through no fault of the parents. Such as the death of one of the parents.
Passing away
Of course, there may be all kinds of situations over which parents have no influence, such as the death of one of the parents at a young age. Besides the fact that the optimal situation involves two parents, a child can also develop fear of commitment and/or fear of separation later in life. These are very close to each other. You can do as best you can as a remaining parent, but you cannot always prevent it, the loss of the other parent has a major impact on every child. Some parents indulge in extreme pampering of the child, which is not always good. But it is better to always be there for your child, give your child love and offer a safe situation.
Lies
One situation that parents can control is openness and honesty. Set a good example and if you as parents are open and honest, even when the answer is not really desired by the child, a child grows up in a situation where he/she experiences this as normal. And of course there are also external factors that have an influence, but if the safe situation at home already shows deviant behavior in this regard, the child grows up with it and does not know any better. There is a very good chance that the child will show similar behavior. After all, if your parents already do it, it is normal.
But the situation may also be that you discover lies from parents later in life. Your father is not your biological father (which the man in question does not know), even though it has apparently always been a happy family. Something like that changes the original image of your mother. But it may also be the case that you think you are growing up in a happy family, while your father has had a different relationship for years, or your parents later turn out not to be the people you thought they were. It is obvious that you do not saddle young children with this, but at some point honesty/openness about a situation that is different than it seems is very important. And that can also have consequences, but as parents you have ever created it yourself.
Violence
Children from a family where violence has occurred have an increased risk of repeating the behavior. Strange actually, but statistics show this. If one parent has loose hands, the other parent can be your refuge, but as a child you are limited in your freedom of action anyway, you cannot fully develop. You watch what you say or do, you avoid situations or look for another safe haven.
Parting
But a divorce also has consequences for children. No matter how well you feel, everything seems to be in harmony. As parents you can work things out with excellent contact arrangements or co-parenting, but your child always goes from a safe haven to two addresses. Must find a new role in the family, especially if one of the parents has a new partner with or without children. But ultimately a child can end up in two safe havens.
It is worse if one of the parents uses the situation to play the child off to the other parent. Filling the child with inaccuracies or half-truths (especially about the other parent) may work in the short term, but ultimately it works against the parent in question. What is worse is that the child also experiences something of it as he/she grows into adulthood. In addition, a parent can keep a child away from the other parent and that also has consequences. Although you can’t imagine it, because every parent wants the best for his/her child, it does happen. Emotions such as anger, fear, sadness can do strange things and if you recognize it in time as a parent, it does not have to have far-reaching consequences. But there are examples of it continuing forever (the impact is ultimately great, especially on young defenseless children).
Finally
You cannot imagine that people hurt children, the purity and growing into adulthood through trial and error is not only beautiful to see and beautiful to be part of (in whatever role). But people sometimes get stuck in their own ideas, fears and anger. Egos grow to great heights and get a huge blow when something is experienced as humiliating. Yet it is important to continue to see it from the child’s perspective and, if necessary, to seek help in a timely manner.
Note: The examples mentioned are examples of people who actually grew up in similar situations and entered therapy at a later stage. It turned out that the cause of their problems could be traced back to their youth.
Also read about parents as educators.