Those who are sweet get treats, and those who are naughty get a reward. This expression is outdated, but it is still used. Although corporal punishment is no longer socially accepted, naughty behavior is still punished and good behavior is rewarded. Punishments and rewards are so normal that we do not question these methods. Yet there are alternative approaches to unwanted behavior. More about this in this article.
Punish and reward
The purpose of punishment and reward is to correct the child’s behavior. Punishment discourages unwanted behavior and good behavior is reinforced by rewards. This way the child learns how he should behave. Desired behavior depends on the (sub)culture in which the family lives.
Why punish and reward?
This is a method that produces quick results. You also avoid discussions in the future because the child clearly learns what the boundaries are and what is expected of him. It is important that punishment and reward are consistent and that both parents apply the same rules. The most commonly used methods are timeout and escalation of privileges.
Why not punish and reward?
Punishment and reward only change external behavior. The child learns that there is good and bad behavior, but does not learn why the behavior is desirable or undesirable. As soon as there is no threat of punishment (or the prospect of reward), there is a good chance that the child will exhibit undesirable behavior again.
By undergoing punishment, the child also learns that there are situations in which you can exercise power. This can lead to imitative behavior towards younger children when no adults are around. For example, an older child can force his brothers or sisters to stand in the corner because he wants to.
A time- out such as being put in the corner or hallway works well, but can be counterproductive in the long term because this is a situation where parental love is taken away. The child may then have the impression that parental love is not unconditional. Taking away toys or other privileges can also make the child insecure in the future. The child then becomes afraid of losing things and will be inclined to hoard things and not share them. However, there are situations where a time-out or taking away toys is advisable (acute situations where the parent must respond quickly).
In which situations do punishment and reward occur?
Which method you use depends on your parenting method. Your parenting method is determined by your personality, the situation your family is in and the goal you want to achieve. The goal ( how do you see your child later as an adult? ) is a very important factor. This largely determines how you respond to certain situations within your upbringing. Punishment and reward fits within some parenting methods and helps the child learn the rules of the family (and society). This is especially the case with parenting methods that focus on social adjustment.
In situations where behavior needs to be adjusted quickly, punishment and reward can also help. For example, in a dangerous situation, as a parent you have little time to listen to your child and you have to respond quickly.
Alternatives to punishment and reward
Influencing the child’s behavior without punishment and reward is possible, but requires a lot of effort from the parents. Empathy is central here: if you listen to your child, your child will also listen to you.
Listen and tell
Listening to your child does not mean obeying your child. By listening to your child you know what is going on in your child and why your child shows certain behavior. By talking to your child and telling them what is going on in you, you make it clear to your child why you expect certain behavior. It is important that communication takes place at the child’s level.
You can teach your child socially acceptable behavior by providing insight into the emotions of others. You can do this, for example, with a role play or puppet show in which you reenact a certain situation in which the child exhibited undesirable behavior.
Know your child
Know why your child reacts this way and accept your child as he or she is. For example, some children become aggressive when they are hungry while others become quiet. Sometimes certain situations can also cause undesirable behavior, such as a busy store can make a child nervous and unruly.
Prevent unwanted behavior
By intervening in time, you prevent unwanted behavior. For example, tired children may be aggressive towards each other. By distracting the children with a quiet activity you prevent them from hitting each other or being intolerant.
Form a bond with your child
Do fun things with your child regularly and build a bond of trust. This way your child will listen to you more quickly and obey you.
Finally
In this article I have mainly emphasized punishment because the long-term effects are greater than with rewards. Rewarding is desirable in some situations and fits well within certain parenting methods. However, it also only affects external behavior. Rewarding good behavior is allowed, but promising a reward to obtain good behavior only changes external behavior. The child then does not understand why that behavior is expected. Talking about good behavior gives the child insight into his own behavior and helps the child understand what good behavior is. A reward reinforces good behavior and gives the child a sign that he is doing well.