Your attachment style partly determines how you respond to your child, to your teenager. Adolescents, but also adolescents, can attract and repel. Sometimes they are small when they want to be comforted and other times they don’t want to know anything about you. An adolescent wants to break away from you to find his or her own way and as a parent you can help your child by letting go, but at the same time remaining available for support. Because even though it doesn’t seem like it, teenagers and adolescents really need you as a parent. Your attachment pattern determines whether you can handle this and how you respond to it.
- Puberty is puberty struggles?
- Upbringing changes with an adolescent
- Attachment
- Attachment theory
- Attachment styles
- Attachment disorder
- Secure attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Ambivalent or defensive attachment
- Disturbed or disoriented attachment
- Raising an adolescent
- How do you prevent your attachment style from getting in the way of contact with your child?
- Effective communication
- Tips
- Everything changes
Puberty is puberty struggles?
During puberty and (early) adolescence, many young people are looking for who they are and what they want and with whom. Sometimes it is necessary to withdraw yourself. Because it takes so much energy, your brain is working hard all the time, but also to psychologically distance yourself from your parents. An adolescent is a child who is going through physical changes on the way to adulthood. Adolescence begins with puberty, but only ends when young people can go through life independently (on average about 25 years in the West). Young people want space to be themselves, but they are far from being able to do everything themselves. They can be very elusive during this period. As a parent you don’t really get a handle on it. They say one thing but do another. They don’t respond when you ask them something and seem to ignore you.
Upbringing changes with an adolescent
At times an adolescent can be very young. Instead of hanging around aimlessly on the couch, he or she jumps around like a puppy, wanting to show what he or she can do. Or he or she starts a conversation with you, is open about what is going on in him or her and is genuinely interested in your opinion. Then your teenager suddenly gives you a hug and there is no noticeable distance. This requires a lot of empathy from the parents and the ability to switch over and over again. Your teenager needs autonomy, but because your child cannot yet know everything, you as a parent must remain available. But different from when your child was younger. The care that parents have and the love they feel for their child must change shape along with the child. Just as it was when the child went from baby and toddler to primary school child. And as a parent you went from a nurturing upbringing to a more guiding parenting style. When your child reaches puberty, this means distancing yourself even more, standing on the sidelines instead of in the field, with your child. But you are needed. Not just on call, because sometimes you still have to make adjustments yourself. For an adolescent, it is often also about physical distance, for example when they start living in dorms. One parent can deal with this more easily than the other. This is also due to your own attachment style as a parent, which you most likely developed when you were small.
Attachment
Babies cry, cry, laugh, chase their parents, and attract attention in many other ways to gain the affection of their caregivers. After all, they depend on their parents for their survival. They need to be fed, cared for and protected from cold or heat or other danger. The child’s needs may vary. The intensity of it too. The point is that the child can show or hear its own physical and emotional needs and that parents respond to them. Children express their anxiety and stress. Parents protect and care for their child and help it to develop. This is how parents and child become attached to each other. This provides children with a good basis to explore the world, safe in the knowledge that your parents have your back. Not all parents respond in the same way to their child’s call for attention.
Attachment theory
John Bowlby was one of the first to notice these different attachment styles and subsequently developed the attachment theory. This states that a strong emotional focus and continuity in physical proximity in early childhood are conditions for proper human development. This emotional focus is expressed in responding sensitively to the child and putting oneself in the child’s shoes. By deriving emotional security from the relationship with the parents
Attachment styles
Mary Ainsworth examined parents and young children in the Strange Situation to further explore attachment theory. Parent and child played together briefly in a research setting. The parent then left, leaving the child alone. Based on the child’s reaction when the parent returned, and further research, four different attachment styles can be distinguished: secure attachment, and three types of insecure attachment: avoidant, disoriented and ambivalent attachment.
The reason for the different types of attachment lies in the relationship between parent and child, but the underlying cause can lie with either the parent or the child. The parent may not respond sensitively to the child or be there for the child when he/she needs the parent. Temperament or other personal characteristics can also influence attachment. Developmental disorders such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can also play a role. The fact is that parental characteristics play a greater role than child characteristics.
It is therefore about the ‘goodness of fit’ or the combination of behavior and characteristics of the parent, family and living circumstances, the stability and continuity of the contact between parent and child (which is also often a mirror of the relationship with the child). own parent) and child characteristics, such as temperament. We are all born with a certain temperament. We can’t do anything about that. Our temperament determines how we respond to people and things around us. And the experiences we gain. A busy child who grows up as an only child on a farm, with plenty of freedom of movement and space to explore, will be in a good place there. A busy child who grows up in an upstairs apartment in the center of a big city with four brothers and sisters will be confronted much more with his busy behavior. This also applies to an adult. A parent who quickly becomes irritated or angry will most likely react very differently to a child’s angry behavior than a parent who has a lot of patience. There are therefore also characteristics of the child and parent that can have a protective effect.
Attachment disorder
In addition to the four attachment styles, there is reactive attachment disorder (RAD). This is not an attachment problem, but a psychological condition that can be diagnosed using criteria from the DSM-V. An attachment disorder results from the lack of focus on an attachment figure. So no attachment relationship is formed at all in the first five years of life. An attachment disorder is always the result of neglect or a successive change of primary caregivers, cannot be attributed to an underlying diagnosis such as autism or an intellectual disability and is manifested in the inability to enter into appropriate relationships with others. An estimated 1% of all people have reactive attachment disorder.
Secure attachment
Parents who focus on the child’s signals and needs and respond consistently to their child ensure a safe bond with their child. They respond sensitively and responsively to their child. This makes the child feel securely attached. He or she knows he can rely on his parents when necessary. And that negative feelings, such as fear or tension, go away when the parent is there. In the Strange Situation you see that securely attached children also remain in contact with their parent while playing. For example, by showing a toy or saying ‘look’ to the parent. When a parent leaves, the child may become angry or remain calm, but when this parent returns, the child easily reconnects. They have found a balance between exploring the environment and seeking proximity to the parent.
The child carries this secure attachment into his later relationships. When he or she falls in love and wants to enter into a relationship with someone from a secure attachment, he or she will be open to the other person and also want to make themselves known. He or she has enough confidence in themselves and respects their own boundaries and those of others. People with a secure attachment experience the world as a safe place, have self-confidence and consider themselves worthy of entering into a relationship. In a relationship they can be themselves, but there is also room for intimacy with the other.
There are no recent Dutch figures on the occurrence of the different attachment styles. The last study took place in 1988, according to the NJI, and these are the figures that are known about this. Between sixty and seventy percent of all healthy children between the ages of 1 and 12 living at home are securely attached.
Avoidant attachment
If parents do not respond or do not respond sufficiently to the child, the child becomes avoidantly attached. This can have all kinds of causes, for example because parents have debts or have to cope with a major loss, so they are more concerned with themselves than with their child. These educators respond consistently and sensitively to the child. They do not pay attention to the child’s needs, for example, during the Strange Situation they just pick it up when it is still busy playing or turn the child away when it wants a hug. The child learns that his or her needs do not matter and that you cannot rely on others. It no longer calls on the parent when it feels tense, sad or scared. A child with an avoidant attachment style grows up into an adult with the idea that he or she has to go it alone and should not become dependent on others. When you have been rejected so many times, you forget to seek help and comfort from someone else. Then you’d rather do it all yourself.
Such a person will mainly have short and loose contacts later as an adult and will build a close bond with few people. They avoid real and deep contact. The emphasis will be on self-development, on one’s own development and not on a relationship. They are mainly focused on exploration. About ten percent of children aged 1 to 12 have an avoidant attachment style.
Ambivalent or defensive attachment
Someone with an avoidant attachment therefore mainly relies on themselves. While someone with an ambivalent or defensive attachment does not dare to trust themselves. This happens when a parent cannot comfort a child properly because he or she does not know how to deal with the child’s feelings. The parent often misses the child’s first signals and only takes action when the fear and panic are already in full force. The parent reacts with panic and fear, causing the child to react even more intensely. In this way, the child learns not to tolerate his emotions and does not build up the confidence that he can deal with his emotions (emotion regulation). This is also reflected in the child’s behavior during the Strange Situation: the child may continue to keep an eye on the parent while playing, because he or she is always afraid that the parent will leave. Sometimes he or she doesn’t even get around to playing. You also see this image in later relationships. People with an ambivalent attachment style will sometimes want to be completely absorbed in their partner, but if that is too oppressive, they will distance themselves again and then return. They don’t have the confidence that they can do it alone. They are therefore mainly aimed at keeping the attachment figures nearby. About 15% of all children between 1 and 12 years old have an ambivalent attachment style.
Disturbed or disoriented attachment
A caregiver who is inconsistent-insensitive will sometimes pay attention to the child’s signals and other times ignore the child’s needs. A child learns not to rely on the parent. Sometimes the parent is there when you need him or her, other times not. Sometimes he or she comforts you, other times not. The child may suddenly freeze in contact with the parent, or suddenly turn around on the way to the parent, as if he has changed his mind. Make contact, but with your back to the parent, for example. In the Strange Situation, the child sometimes reacts upset, at other times it seems as if it does not notice the parent’s return, at other times it clings to the parent upon its return. This attachment style in particular is associated with child abuse (including violence in the family, not necessarily towards the child) and neglect.
Adults who developed a disoriented attachment as children are afraid of being hurt and therefore often avoid intimate relationships. They have trouble with trust. They feel insecure and do not dare to make themselves known in a relationship. The other is a source of support and fear. This is an unsolvable paradox. And that leads to problems, such as attraction and repulsion at the same time. They can be anxious and at the same time show controlling behavior. They can wait all day for a text from their partner. Being happy with it when it arrives and immediately after their response via text message, they fall back into waiting and worrying. They always want contact. If there is no (immediate) response, they will send an angry text message after a while, while the other person is unaware of any harm done. About twenty percent of all children aged 1 to 12 years have disoriented attachment.
Raising an adolescent
A child therefore grows up with a certain attachment style. This affects all relationships, not just partner relationships. Relationships with friends, fellow students and colleagues at work are also colored by the attachment style. The attachment relationship during childhood is actually the model for all relationships. If you are securely attached, you will be able to ask for help more easily than if you are insecurely attached. And if you are insecurely attached, you probably find it more difficult to deal with rejection. And that’s exactly what teenagers do. What they also need to do: focus on themselves and their peers.
An adolescent or younger needs different care and guidance than a younger child. As a parent, this can bring fear and uncertainty. Then it causes stress. This activates the attachment patterns from your childhood. Am I doing it right? Are you okay? Can my child already handle this responsibility? How do I know what suits his or her age, for him or her? How do other parents do that? Some parents are very involved in the process that their teenager goes through of distance and closeness. They then think it is their fault. My child is ashamed of me because I am his mother. My child no longer trusts me because he no longer talks to me. My child ignores me because I’m not doing it right.
How do you prevent your attachment style from getting in the way of contact with your child?
These thoughts, prompted by stress and uncertainty, can activate certain attachment patterns. But it does not benefit your child if you project your burden from the past onto your child. And actually you don’t want that at all. But how do you prevent that?
Effective communication
It is important to remember that you can communicate from three ego positions: as a child, as a parent and as an adult. The child’s ego position is that of impulses and feelings. The parent’s consists of everything we have learned about how things should be. Communication from the adult’s ego position is based on the process of receiving, listening, reflecting and acting. Due to attachment problems, you may be inclined to react primarily as a child, because you feel provoked by certain behavior. Yet it is also important to continue to realize that you are older, and therefore to respond in a different way. The most important thing in communication is that your positions match each other. So if, in your role as a parent, you ask your child to clean his or her room, you expect a response from the child’s position towards the parent’s position. Something like ‘Okay, Mom’, or ‘Not yet, I’ll do it after dinner.’. But your child can also appeal to your position as a child, by saying ‘Cleaning up is stupid and I will never do it again.’ In Transactional Analysis, this is called a crossed transaction. A transaction is an incentive for communication, from sender to receiver. A crossed transaction is not an effective way of communicating. There is a breakdown in communication. Because how should you respond to that? Transactional Analysis focuses on the principle that good communication is based on the positive underlying message ‘I am okay, you are okay.’ Do you talk to each other on equal terms? Do you respect each other? Do you give the other person space and do you not fill in everything for him or her? Then there is most likely effective communication. You listen to each other and understand each other. A win-win situation. A positive message such as: ‘Your room is starting to get quite messy again. This way you won’t be able to find anything anymore. I’d like you to clean it up. When would you like to do this? And can I help you with anything?’ requires a positive response with equal respect and understanding.
Tips
- Offer a clear structure as a parent. During the week, make a distinction between school days and weekends. Divide the day into blocks in consultation, so that your teenager knows when he or she has to do homework, do chores or meet up with friends. Make clear agreements within the family, as parents (even if you are divorced) and with your teenager: What is and is not acceptable? Sitting on the couch on Sunday is allowed, but school on Monday morning is also required. What is a good bedtime? If you agree on a number of basic rules, you do not have to make decisions on an ad hoc basis every time. Then, no matter how tired you are in a certain situation, you can fall back on the applicable agreements. And by making good agreements, your teenager also knows where he or she stands. This predictability contributes to a secure attachment. Rules and agreements can provide guidance, but your teenager may also want to resist them. That’s fine too. It’s about you as a parent setting the boundaries. You can then allow some leeway within a certain margin. As long as you decide this.
- Think back to your own adolescence? What were you like then? What did you need from your parents?
- Tell your child how his or her behavior affects you and that that feeling explains your reaction. ,When you didn’t say anything to me, I felt ignored and that didn’t feel good., This way your child can at least interpret your behavior and he or she will not blame it on himself or herself.
- Try to respond empathetically to your teenager. Empathize with your child. Why does your teenager do something or ask for something? What’s behind it? What wish or need?
- Try to keep talking to your teenager. Name what you find difficult.
- If it is not (always) possible to support your teenager or adolescent on his or her path to adulthood, seek the help of a therapist or a trusted person. Someone your teenager can talk to.
Everything changes
During puberty your child changes, but you as a parent also change. And that is also good for achieving the ultimate goal of education: your child can live independently without losing the bond with home. Puberty and adolescence offer many new experiences and possibilities. This also applies to you as a parent. Your attachment style is also not fixed, but can be changed. An attachment relationship is not a personal characteristic, but says something about the relationship. For example, by being open you will have many positive experiences, which will teach you that you can trust the other person. By asking for help and receiving it, you learn that it pays to be vulnerable. These new experiences and the behavior that comes with them ensure that you develop yourself. Learning never stops. Not during puberty or adolescence, but certainly not afterwards!