Our life cycle is full of big and small decisions. The choice for one study or another. Decide that you want to go through life alone or choose a relationship, and which one? Buying or renting a house? A child? Or two? Sometimes certain life paths have been taken so often that it almost seems as if you don’t have to choose. Even without religion or a close-knit family to provide direction, most lives follow a fixed pattern. Choosing is then easy, because you are actually not aware that there is anything to choose from. Regret can then overwhelm you afterwards. Or suppose you want something different, or in a different order. Then suddenly you are on your own. What do you choose? How do you choose?
- House tree, animal?
- Free to choose
- The certainties of human existence
- The inevitability of death
- The freedom to shape our own lives
- Isolation and kinship (the existential loneliness)
- Meaning in the absence of meaning or meaning in life
- Embodiment
- Not knowing
- The human condition
- How do you choose?
- A wish is (not) a will
- Let your unconscious participate
- The common thread in your life
- Help with your inner search
- What do you want?
House tree, animal?
Many major choices, such as studies, jobs or children, are made surprisingly easily. Your parents recommend a certain course of study. You like the student city. You are looking for a job, so you apply for a vacancy that happens to catch your eye. You are in a relationship, you are 30+ and so a child is to be expected. If you have a child (or two), a house with a garden is very nice. And so you move from one choice to another. Almost without choosing. Because that’s how it goes. Or because you think it should be that way.
But what if things don’t happen so naturally? What if the study you actually want to do does not guarantee a job? What if you don’t have a partner, but you want a child? If the house of your dreams is too expensive to buy?
Free to choose
Nowadays people are no longer so bound by what institutions think. Yet it is difficult to go your own way. In fact, you have the opportunity to change the direction of your life at any moment. To shape your life again or differently. The choice is yours. But how do you know what you want? That’s not that simple. You always make all choices based on information that may not be complete. You cannot choose afterwards. You make the choice while you are at the beginning of something or in the middle of it. So you have to consciously think about what you want or want. And why. From the why question (Why do I live?) the how questions automatically emerge (How do I live my life?). Is it (only) a wish or is there also a will? In order to give our lives direction, it is essential that we first realize, from a deep knowing, wanting and feeling, what it means to be human.
The certainties of human existence
Existential psychiatry distinguishes six preconditions that form the basis for human existence. We experience these as important and our position or our involvement in them determines our vision of life. From these certainties we cope with everyday life. The first four were formulated by Yalom (1988), the other two are supplementary.
- The inevitability of death and finitude of ourselves and the people around us
- The freedom and responsibility to shape our own lives
- Isolation and kinship (the existential loneliness)
- Meaning in the absence of meaning or meaning in life
- Embodiment
- Not knowing
The inevitability of death
Our attitude toward death is twofold. Of course we know we are dying, but at the same time we don’t know it, we don’t feel it. When realization dawns, the fear felt is so great that it can be paralyzing. That’s not life. That is why we know it, but still keep it far from us by denying death. This applies to our own death, but also to the death of our loved ones. The Stoics advised us to regularly remember that everyone is mortal. This should prevent us from relying too much on ourselves and others. Death is a given. There’s no point in worrying about it. Either you’re dead or you’re alive. And so it is of course.
In psychiatry, it is believed that we use two strategies to deal with our mortality: we believe in the specialness of ourselves and we believe that a savior will eventually come. These beliefs give us security. The first from within, the second gives us a feeling of protection. That someone is watching over us and making sure everything turns out okay. Especially when we are overwhelmed by our normality and the realization that life is not getting better. For example, when we become ill or when we are suddenly fired during a layoff. The full realization that our life ends with our death brings true wisdom. And that is an enrichment of life.
The freedom to shape our own lives
In principle, we are free to organize our lives as we wish. In order to change something in our lives, it is important that we realize that we are responsible ourselves. And that we ourselves have the power to give meaning to our lives. If we want to change something, we will have to adjust or change our lives ourselves. This makes us the creators of our own existence, as the French philosopher Jean Paul Sartre (1905-1980) said. To allow this realization to sink in, it is good to look at the here and now, regardless of the past or future. What do we do now to shape our own lives? If there are major problems that prevent people from taking responsibility for their own lives, schema therapy can be a solution. Schema therapy identifies the pitfalls (the schemas) that determine your life and the way you maintain them by applying certain behavioral modes, based on the experiences you have had in your youth. Modes are, for example, the detached protector, who rationally explains everything away so that it cannot affect him or her, or the angry child, who immediately becomes angry as soon as he feels wronged, passed over, treated unfairly or hurt in some other way. In total there are 18 schedules and 4 different types of modes.
Isolation and kinship (the existential loneliness)
In addition to existential loneliness, the realization that we always have to live separately from others, there are two more forms of isolation: interpersonal and intrapersonal isolation. We experience interpersonal isolation when we feel lonely or isolated when we miss intimate social contacts. Intrapersonal isolation occurs when there is an inner gap between, for example, emotion and the memory of the event that caused it. In extreme form, this can lead to a multiple personality.
People who cannot tolerate existential loneliness sometimes seek a solution in symbiosis, or merger, with the other. Unfortunately, this does not create a stronger self, but only weaker boundaries with others. Otherwise you cannot become one with the other. When people are in love, the boundaries with the other person seem to disappear. The lonely I has dissolved into a ‘we’. When you are in love you are only focused on each other, not on the world. It is actually, as nice as it may feel (or perhaps because of that), having an obsessive egoism and not a ‘being there’. This also means that there is actually no self-reflection on one’s own human existence, because there is no self that can turn inward. Self-consciousness is paradoxically always accompanied by fear. The tragedy of human existence. Love, unlike infatuation, can form a bridge to others. Love is about the recognition and recognition of the other person to whom you give your love. It is a way of being, with which you not only emphasize the individuality of others, but also the individuality of yourself. This fact can provide support to bear the existential loneliness and can therefore be very comforting.
Meaning in the absence of meaning or meaning in life
Life is inherently meaningless. This realization is important, because you can or must give your life meaning and meaning. When we feel like our lives are purposeless and meaningless, we become confused and feel displaced. Separated from ourselves and the world around us. What’s the point of it all? We want control, we are looking for something to hold on to. So we look for the meaning of things. We are, as it were, programmed in such a way that we organize everything that happens. We make life a story, an adventure. “There are no such things as coincidences,” we say. If we are not selected for a second job interview, then the job wasn’t that fun anyway. We hide behind the phrase: ‘it wasn’t meant to be’. And we still see a fixed intention in complete randomness. While the realization of meaninglessness in oneself instead of the need to control life can also mean that we dare to celebrate freedom. We can give meaning to our lives ourselves. Nothing is predestined; nothing is fixed. We make our own lives. We will have to learn to tolerate a certain degree of uncertainty. This is essential, especially when making choices.
Embodiment
We exist through our body and can therefore only experience life from (the boundaries of) our body. We are bound by this and literally attack the other certainties with it.
Not knowing
Man is not able to fully comprehend and control his or her existence. This can lead to despair as you focus on not knowing and not being able to control your existence. At the same time, it can also give hope. After all, if we knew everything, where would be the fantasy, the surprise, the wish, the will? There may be room for that.
The human condition
The first four facts mentioned refer to four truths of existence. It is always about the dialectic between self and other, between controlling and letting go. Do you choose autonomy or unification with the other, do you want to separate yourself from the other or do you want to merge with the other? How do you contrast meaning with meaninglessness, how do you find certainty within all the uncertainties of existence. The last two facts mentioned actually form the foundation for the four truths of existence, namely: the limits of your body and the limitations of knowledge.
If you know that you are dying, that you have to give meaning and purpose to your life, that you are essentially alone and are responsible for all contacts you have with others, then you can make a conscious choice.
By entering into a conversation about these facts of human existence, you can shape your own life in a more authentic way. It forces you to make choices without knowing what the consequences are. It makes you seek and maintain valuable contacts with others, without losing contact with your own loneliness. It is knowing that existence is meaningless and still being able to give it meaning. And that you always experience all life within the boundaries of your body and that this fact requires acceptance before you can live your life in such a way that it becomes your life.
How do you choose?
In order to dare to make a conscious choice, it is important that you look for possible inner conflicts based on your investigative self-awareness. You meet yourself, as it were, and you are curious about what is going on inside you. What is your wish? Or is there another wish behind the wish? Do you think you want a new job, but it turns out that you actually want to go in a completely different direction and therefore have to look for a new career? Do you want a child even if you don’t have a partner? Perhaps the desire for a partner appears to be hidden in wanting the child.
This process has at least these three steps:
- You take responsibility
- You know your options
- You examine your wish) and) and the resulting will
A wish is (not) a will
Every action starts with the will to do something. To do this, you must be clear about your wishes. So it is very important to have a good focus. This way you literally get your wish clear. This also means that you have to think carefully about whether it is your own wish or whether you think it should be done, or whether it should be that way. You must be able to really feel your wish. You do this through inner listening (a principle noted and elaborated by Eugene Gendlin). ‘Inner listening’ means that you not only pay attention to your words, your language in which you make the wish. But that you also pay attention to your body. How does it make you feel? What physical sensations do you notice in yourself? You listen to yourself without judgment. With curiosity and respect you give attention and words to your inner voice. What’s the knot in your stomach? The empty feeling? The restlessness in your chest? If you give space to everything you experience internally when focusing or dwelling on your desire, you can really listen to yourself. This is how you learn to trust yourself. You bring feeling, knowing and wanting together. You form your wish from within yourself. This could be the wish you thought you had or a new wish. Your body leads the way.
This process also includes considering the other possibilities. What do you notice in yourself when you choose differently? In addition to getting a clear picture of your wish by focusing on it and inner listening, there is another possibility to find out whether you really want something. You can visualize your choice. What do you think your life would be like if you chose one? What images come to mind when you do the other thing? So in order to convert your wish into a will you need:
- focus
- inner listening
- visualization
Then you can ask yourself whether you really want it. Including everything that comes with it . Everything you know and what you don’t know (yet).
Let your unconscious participate
The thinking process followed here assumes a high degree of awareness and the active use of your brain. Sometimes it is said that you should let your unconscious choose. Dijksterhuis (2016) distinguishes three ways of choosing:
- the fast way,
- the unconscious way,
- the conscious way
The quick choice is without thinking, just do it. The unconscious way assumes that it is better to sleep late when making an important choice to put your unconscious mind to work. If a choice still feels good, then it is the right choice. The conscious way involves a lot of thinking. Dijksterhuis seems to limit himself here to the rational decision, which you can solve by making lists of pluses and minuses, for and against your choice. Research shows that there is a lot to be said for the unconscious way. But purchasing a new car is different from choosing a particular course of study and everything that comes with it. A combination might work. You consciously think about a life choice, but sleep on it to see whether you still support your choice. Or you start with the unconscious choice. Then work this out consciously. Do you still agree and does it still feel good?
The common thread in your life
Sometimes it can also help to look at how you got to the point in your life where you are now. What experiences led to this? How did you become the person you are today? How have you chosen in your life so far? Then it is good to untangle the common thread of your life afterwards. Maybe you see what you used to do and you don’t want to do it anymore? Or do you know that your choices so far have brought you where you want to be and can you therefore trust this? To discover your life motive, you can focus on the patterns and common threads in your life. That can give you a lot of peace and clarity when you are faced with a big decision.
Help with your inner search
You can undertake the inner search described here alone. This will often work. Especially if you can also ask friends for advice. Other times you need more. Then you need someone who thinks along with you and watches. Then it is good to know that you can ask for help from a psychotherapist. Ultimately, this is also about taking responsibility. Not to get stuck in the uncertainty of having to decide, but to dare to choose what you want.
What do you want?
If the will is strong enough, it is the driving force towards a choice or change. That doesn’t mean everything works out, but at least something happens. Ultimately, choosing always means losing. A choice for one means the loss of the other. But if you have thought about it carefully, if you feel that this is the right choice, then knowing, feeling and wanting are on the same page. In any case, you can then tell yourself that you made a conscious choice with the information you had available to you at the time. Maybe you could have lived a different life. Of course you could have lived a different life. But you live your own life. You give meaning to your life in your own way. On your terms, with your options. If you consciously choose, you can then let go of your non-choice. It is what it is. The choice you have made provides direction and meaning. And that results in values, experiences and events. And that makes your life unique. Life can be lived. Everyone does this in his or her own way. Ultimately, you are just a human being among humans. That fact is humbling and at the same time the most beautiful thing you can experience. It is what it is. And that is good.