It’s inevitable. Everyone gets into a conflict at some point, sometimes resulting in an argument. And all because of a disagreement, misunderstanding or irritation. Managing a conflict is therefore difficult. The importance of the relationship is weighed against the personal goal, which determines the style of the conflict. Avoiding conflicts, adapting, fighting or negotiating, conflict management is quite an art! Especially when you know that power and emotion cloud a conflict.
Conflicts clouded by emotions
‘The feeling is often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one.’
In arguments, conflicts, unreasonable questions and personal criticism, not only arguments, but also feelings and mutual relationships play a major role. Yet, when you unravel a conflict it is only about opposing views and wishes. You disagree with the other person and can try to reach a compromise. Unfortunately, this does not always go so peacefully. Manipulations and subliminal displays of power make the situation complex. Show who is the strongest, or whether you are not a slacker… it all plays a role and makes the ‘let’s agree to disagree’ conclusion very ambitious, let alone that a solution is close.
For example, an unreasonable request is a request that is not acceptable to you. If you have difficulty saying no, you are susceptible to the psychological pressure that people exert on you. Your sense of guilt is addressed or a value judgment is made about you as a person. You are threatened or overwhelmed. And you can make the situation even more complicated by the fear of making the other person angry, or because you want to be liked. Personal criticism is even more difficult. It is often not even about the content of the criticism, but about showing who is actually the strongest. You can also interpret something as criticism even though it was not intended that way.
When do conflicts arise?
‘Conflict is the beginning of consciousness.’
Different personalities
It is a logical thought that people who differ greatly in character can more easily get into a conflict. If certain character points conflict with each other, irritations and friction arise. A small thing can then become the reason for a conflict.
Different goals
If one person’s objective is diametrically opposed to that of the other, the starting point is difficult and requires negotiation. Negotiation is an art!
Different ideas
Sometimes people have a common goal, but different paths to the goal are suggested. Because conflicts are dynamic but often creative, efforts must be made to honor the best idea.
When you develop yourself
Anyone who learns to speak up and become more assertive will notice that people do not simply accept this. If others are used to you always adapting, they will initially react disappointed or angry. Dealing with conflicts is then part of your learning process.
For complaints about others
Submitting a complaint is already annoying in advance. As soon as you know that you will be criticized, your hair will quickly stand on end – depending on past experiences and character – and you will soon be in for a hell of an argument.
Types of conflict
‘Power never takes a back step – only in the face of more power.’
Roughly speaking, four groups of conflicts can be distinguished:
- Business conflicts. These often arise from misunderstandings, lack of clarity regarding the division of tasks, insufficient coordination between departments and employees and insufficient coordination of work processes.
- Social-emotional conflicts. These are almost entirely based on emotions such as distrust, irritation, anger, revenge, antipathy and prejudice.
- Distribution conflicts. This type of conflict arises from the distribution of resources such as budgets, supplies, space or personnel.
- Power conflicts. Rivalry between people is the cause of a fight for power. This type of conflict does not have to be separate from the other conflicts, but can be a cause of any other type of conflict.
Conflict management
You can tackle conflicts using various styles. This depends on both the relationship with the other person and the matter itself:
Not such important issues
‘The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.’
If the issue is not that important and neither is the relationship, you can avoid conflict. You don’t respond, let the matter rest and hope that it will not be brought up again. Unfortunately, this often only puts a conflict to rest. It can flare up again if something else goes wrong. Another option is customization. You do this when the issue is not that important, but the relationship is. By adapting you put your own interests aside in the name of peace, but this can be very wise if you notice that your position is not as good as the other person’s, or if you have only known the other person for a short time. Anyone who is sufficiently assertive will not see adjustment as an option.
Important issues
‘Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.’
If the relationship is not that important but the issue is, people often choose to fight. This is a very good option if, for example, your rights are being undermined, if you are sure that your position is the only correct one and/or if people threaten to take advantage of you. With your own interests first, you can argue, attach consequences to matters, and highlight the weaknesses in the other person. If you can afford this, then do it. But don’t do it if you have to work together later or if you have a low position in the workplace. Assertiveness is good, aggression is not, so be careful.
A safer option is cooperation or negotiation. You do this when the point of conflict and the relationship are equally important. The goal is the common interest, not the interest of a single person. The advantage of collaboration is also that the mutual bond grows. Please note: both parties must also want this. If one of the two still fights, avoids or adapts, it doesn’t work. Openness and understanding are at the core of this strategy. Finally, negotiation is the option if a quick compromise is needed, in which both parties make compromises. This situation sometimes occurs when the parties have different objectives. Involvement of a third party may be necessary.
Conversation techniques that help
‘You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.’
Which conversation techniques help you manage the situation without becoming defensive , launching a counter-offensive or making the mistake of being manipulative?
Repeat your message
Don’t raise your voice, don’t get angry, but stick to what you have to say: a brief description of what you find unacceptable, your feelings about it and the negative consequences it has for you. You weaken your message by constantly changing it, so don’t do that. Give yourself time to think about everything. If there is a counter-proposal, you do not have to agree to it. Say you want to think about it first. Don’t try to defuse the tension by quickly compromising, apologizing, or defending yourself. On the contrary: Repeat, but keep the pace high. This way you do not give the other person the opportunity to use psychological pressure.
Reflect the other
To eliminate manipulation, you can reflect on what the other person says. Summarize the other person’s statements, but immediately add your own vision. Use sentences like: ‘If I understand correctly you want me to… ‘, ‘I can imagine that… ‘, I understand that it is important to you, but…. ‘, ‘I think it is also annoying but…’ etc. In this way you indicate that you have understood the other person well, but that the other person is unable to involve you in his or her problem. Do not refute other people’s statements, but say ‘That’s how you see it’ when the other person tells you something you disagree with. You show respect, which makes it difficult for the other person to try to persuade you.
Admitting a mistake
From a mistake comes a mistake. It comes across as if you yourself are no good. Criticism of a mistake quickly becomes criticism of the person, but don’t take it that way! If this happens, don’t get defensive by saying you couldn’t do anything about it, asking for forgiveness, or saying you’ll do everything you can to fix the mistake. Rather do something unexpected, admit the mistake, without defending yourself or apologizing extensively. So say, ,I’m sorry, that was my mistake., This way you disarm the other person and the situation remains easy to handle.
Respond to criticism
There is useful and unhelpful criticism. Unfortunately, most criticism falls into the latter category. Nevertheless, with every point of criticism you should ask yourself whether you can learn something from it. So don’t immediately feel stepped on your toes, but think about whether there may be a grain of truth in the criticism. If you receive criticism that you cannot or do not need to do anything with, ignore it. Some people delight in criticizing and will always criticize. If you think you are dealing with useful criticism, do not deny the criticism, but ask for more information: ‘Why do you think that I…?’ The other person will probably not expect this and will reduce their critical attitude. Criticism is different from untruths. If incorrect things are said about you, always intervene immediately.
Saying no, this is how you do it!
How do you say no? Just say the word ‘no’ and that’s it. Don’t beat around the bush, don’t try to soften or disguise it. And don’t defend yourself either. If you do not accept something, explain why the other person is crossing your boundaries. Never do this out of a feeling of wanting to be the strongest, but because you really believe that you cannot accept something. If the other person still tries to elicit a ‘yes’, beware of this person. Walk away and stick to your ‘no’.
High emotions
If a conflict threatens to escalate so much that you realize you are in the middle of a serious argument, take a physical time-out and get some air. Counting to ten also helps. Don’t go along with the other person’s outbursts of anger. Let the person vent for a while, which is even necessary if someone is really, really angry. Once the other person has finished ‘letting off steam’, there is more peace to bring the conflict to a successful conclusion. Both parties will be more open to feedback for the other. When you are very angry, do not think that the conflict is unsolvable!
Causes of conflicts that have gotten completely out of hand
‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’
It sounds logical that the following practices do not contribute to the resolution of a conflict, but they are all too common and are the source of the most terrible arguments:
- Warnings/admonitions. ,This is the last time you…,
- Commanding/commanding. ,You go right now…,
- Threats. ,If you don’t do what I say then…,
- Accusations. ,It’s all your fault that…,
- Judging/labeling. ,You’re just a lazy bastard.,
- Disapprovals. ,You did a lousy job.,
- Sarcasm. ‘Look at Miss Perfect…’
- Moralizing/preaching. ,That’s just not how you should do it.,
- Curse. ,Are you completely out of control, you bastard!,
- Ridicule. ,Oh well, it never works out with you either.,
- To beg. ,Please, I’ll never…,
- Arouse guilt. ‘Don’t you think that you…’
- Insults. ‘Once a klutz, always a klutz.’
- Scapegoating. ,Let’s just say it’s…’s fault.,
- Don’t go into it. ‘………..’
Characteristics that are useful in conflicts
‘Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.’
Good analytical skills are useful to be able to resolve a conflict more easily. A sharp person sees the differences between main and secondary issues and does not let the conflict get out of hand unnecessarily. The latter also involves tact . Those who have adaptability will also survive conflicts more quickly. Because those who have no difficulty adapting will see the need for a well-functioning compromise, precisely because we have to move forward together. A sense of responsibility is an absolute must. Always consider your own part in any conflict, but also your part in the solution. Don’t just leave that to others.
Furthermore, it is useful to be able to deal with people from different backgrounds. Other people with different ideas are not necessarily wrong. If you do find yourself in a conflict, your level of assertiveness will be reflected. Do you dare to say something, for example the loaded word ‘no’, and are you not afraid of what others think of you? Finally, empathy is very pleasant. Anyone who can delve into someone else’s thoughts can also gain more understanding. At work, managers, advisors and other employees with a mediating role are the ones who have to master ‘conflict management’.
Conversations that don’t work
‘Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.’
Everyone knows it, a conversation in which there are scary silences. A feeling of ‘I have to say something now, but I don’t know what… ‘. Or a conversation that is going awry . You throw a ball, but the other person does not respond or responds lukewarmly. The other way around is just as good: The other person says something but you have no idea what to do with it. This can have various causes, and is usually the fault of both conversation partners, not just one. Always ask yourself what your own contribution is. Restraint probably plays a role, so a dash of personal information is indispensable in almost every conversation. If it remains cold, there is too much professionalism, which automatically gives an uncomfortable feeling. The topic of conversation then changes each time, until people have found each other’s ‘point of contact’. If that doesn’t happen, conclude that the other person is not on your wavelength and end the conversation.
Causes of reluctance
‘Silence is a text easy to misread.’
Not wanting to talk about something
If you do not want to talk about a certain topic, say so openly when the topic does come up. For example, say that you would rather talk about something else, that the subject is too difficult (or emotional) for you, or that you would rather be short about it. You don’t have to go into it any further.
Fear of disapproval
Fear of disapproval is another cause of reluctance. Thinking in advance what the other person thinks of you has a negative influence on the course of a conversation. You cannot read other people’s minds, but you can ask them if you wish. If there is an atmosphere in a company of ‘how wonderful life is’, and you have a different idea, you can choose to join the play or simply leave the company.
No common interests
If you notice that you have nothing in common with the other person, consider whether it would be better to stop the conversation and accept that you ‘just don’t like each other’. This is not a personal failure!
Thoughts elsewhere
Is your conversation partner in dreamland? Don’t take something like this as a personal rejection, but just ask if the other person is ‘still there.’
Busy-goers, shut-outs and chatterboxes
‘The words you choose to say are just as important as the decision to speak.’
Troublemakers
If someone joins the conversation and you do not want this, use a politeness formula. For example, say: ‘I’m sorry, but I just want to discuss this with…’ and add a ‘see you later’ to further increase the distance created.
People don’t want to talk to you
If it is the other way around and you are the one who has to feel that you are ‘not welcome’, never see that as a rejection. There are countless reasons why you’re not included in a conversation, and most of the reasons have nothing to do with you. Turn it around and ask yourself whether the company actually adds anything to you.
Small talkers
You encourage a chatterbox by listening, asking questions and letting him interrupt you. Change the situation by speaking up yourself, no longer asking questions and no longer visibly listening to the other person. At the same time, you should consider whether it would be better to end the conversation. After all, a monologue is not a conversation.
Conflict can be positive
‘The human spirit is to grow stronger through conflict.’
Conflicts are no fun, but they are useful. This way you get to know your own limits well. Your boundaries become ‘sharper’, as it were. In a heated conflict, both conversation partners reveal their ‘own self’, so you hear the actual views and dissatisfaction. Furthermore, conflict can be extremely relieving, especially if it has been in the air for a while. Sometimes the result is not negative at all. Renewal occurs in the relationship because everyone focuses on their own interests again and respects each other for that reason. If the contradictions are too great and cannot be bridged, it may mean that a farewell will follow. The conflict is then said to be insoluble and a compromise is not desirable or possible.
Pitfalls during conflicts
‘Conflict cannot survive without your participation.’
What should you not do during a conflict? Don’t drag old bulls out of the ditch, or add completely different things that will only complicate matters. Stay on topic! Don’t make the mistake of bringing in a third party to prove you are right. Don’t speak on behalf of someone else, but keep talking from your own points of view. So don’t form a camp with others, because emotions will make the conflict even more difficult. Don’t get personal by sticking labels on either, so don’t say: ‘You’re just a… ‘ or ‘You’re impossible to talk to.’ Never question someone else’s reasonableness, even if you think so. Do not try to ‘psycho-analyze’ the other person by saying something like: ‘You say this now, but I think you just want…’ in the hope of eliciting a response. Because it will certainly come, but as part of an annoying power game!
What you should also avoid is bottling things up, only to have them explode later during the conversation. Never let emotions swirl until they become unbearable! And who doesn’t know the old: ‘Fine, you have your way’, where the speaker sulkily and with his arms folded, betrays his dissatisfaction. Also beware of arousing feelings of guilt such as: ‘Because of you I can never even… ‘, or ‘Take me into account for a change!’, and the vulnerable or pitiful attitude that expresses itself in a statement such as: ‘I can’t stand this!’ and ‘You’ve always had it in for me’. Finally: A conflict is not a matter of ‘who is right’, but how different views come together. Anyone who enters into a conflict like this has the best attitude to find solutions.
‘Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.’ ~Walter Lippmann