It often happens that the first intimate experience of young girls is not of their own free will, but a case of sexual assault. Such a bad start is drastic. Victims feel shame, guilt, humiliation and powerlessness, but suffer in silence. Where is the line between touching and assault? Are perpetrators strangers who drag you into the bushes? Is a short skirt wise? Is sexual assault about pure lust or is it actually a crime of power?
Dutch Law: Criminal Code, article 246: ,He who, through violence or another fact or threat of violence or another fact, forces someone to commit or tolerate lewd acts, shall be punished as guilty of actual indecent assault. with a prison term of not more than eight years or a fine of the fifth category.,
What sexual assault is
‘Indecent assault’ is a so-called sex crime. Someone, usually a woman, is forced to commit or undergo a ‘lewd act’, an act aimed at physical pleasure and under duress, or that goes against society’s sense of morality. In practice, this means unwanted touching or allowing intimate parts to be touched and/or kissing under duress. From a legal perspective, physical contact is not a requirement. For example, photographing a topless lady on the beach without permission is also sexual assault, although legal proceedings are still underway about this. The difference between sexual assault and rape is that in sexual assault there is no ‘physical penetration’, while in rape there is. That is why forcible French kissing also constitutes rape, and not sexual assault. Sexual assault seems to be primarily about lust, but that is only secondary. The attacker mainly wants to assert his power.
Beautiful woman in the bushes?
The old image of an attractive woman being dragged into the bushes in the dark by a complete stranger still prevails when one thinks of the word ‘sexual assault’. In practice, however, the perpetrator is much more often someone known to the victim, for example an ex, colleague, family member or neighbor. One day it turns out to be a monster. Sexual assault therefore goes much further than touching. The mischievous slap on the buttocks, ambiguous comments, a sliding hand along your chest, a whisper in your ear, a dirty joke, a certain look, a slightly too friendly hand on your shoulder, these are common phenomena, especially in certain corporate cultures. If you don’t like it, say something about it and, in the best case, it will stop forever. Sometimes it is difficult to determine whether something is insignificant or a real attempt to violate your boundaries. Please note: Short skirts, a low neck, see-through tops, stiletto heels and flirtatious behavior are not invitations for others to force you to do anything. Even though it sometimes feels that way, it turns out afterwards that the man close to you could not deal with this.
Suffering indoors
One in three women in the Netherlands has been sexually assaulted, but most of the suffering remains indoors. Because sexual assault often cannot be proven, perpetrators are often acquitted. The result is few reports of such crimes. The victim thinks in advance that he or she has no chance. In addition, the experience was so shocking that it is very difficult to talk about it with someone you know. There is shame, guilt, powerlessness, distrust, humiliation and the feeling of being defiled. The victim has enormous fear of condemnation from the outside world: ‘Then you shouldn’t have… ‘, or ‘You are so stupid because…’ and so on. The result is many ‘misunderstood’ psychological and physical complaints such as depression, fears, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, hyperventilation, stomach ache, headaches and the great need to cover up the entire experience. This results in a complete inability to enjoy intimacy again for a long time. The foundation of safety, a basic human need, has been seriously damaged by sexual assault.
Biological cause of sexual assault
The male hormone testosterone activates aggressive behavior. During puberty and early adulthood, testosterone is released in very large amounts. The more dramatic the hormone production, the more difficulty the man has in controlling his urges. However, most men learn to gain that control on their own. They learn the skills needed to enter into a consensual love relationship. However, there are men who fail to get through this period normally. This has to do with negative experiences in childhood, socio-cultural influences and other individual factors. The man who fails at this stage of development is more likely to exhibit deviant behavior toward women. He wrongly mixes lust and power. Examples include physical intimidation, violence, sexual assault and rape.
How a bad upbringing leads to sexual assault
Already in early childhood, the foundation is laid for the experience of interacting with others. Negative experiences therefore cause problems. Severe punishments, violence in the family, abandonment of a parent, long stays in educational institutions, child abuse, no spark of love and no stable basis are the breeding ground for the later sexual assault of women. Anyone who has not experienced bonding in early childhood has difficulty empathizing with others. Building a lasting relationship yourself therefore fails. The relationship pattern is one of superficiality, emotional loneliness, unsatisfied feelings, capriciousness and lack of intimacy. Sexual assault is then used to still have some power over something. The actions provide temporary satisfaction (read: dampening of emotions), but nothing is resolved. It also happens that the perpetrator is angry and vengeful towards women in general or a single woman. Physical aggression then arises because the woman mocked, rejected or disrespected him. This injury to the male ego, as the perpetrators often call it, is a reason to humiliate the woman at least as much: Assault as retaliation.
Sexual assault because it was ‘convenient’
As mentioned, personal problems play a leading role in the life of someone who sexually assaults. Attempts to gain or retain power, feelings of revenge against the phenomenon of ‘woman’… these are the most common causes of sexual assault. This distorted thinking can be on occasion. For example, the occasional attacker does not work according to plan, but the thought occurs to him when he bumps into a woman, for example at the disco or during a date. All kinds of tricks are used to get the woman to comply, but he also lends fate a helping hand by getting her drunk. That type of man thinks it is his right. For example, because he has already done something for the woman, such as paying for her drinks, or because she went with him to his house. A less common type is the unknown creep who walks around a dimly lit park or street. This man finds himself so unsightly and clumsy with women that he tries to force physical ‘love’. He does this to fulfill his long-standing fantasy of simply ‘taking’ a random woman and winning her over.
What to do in case of sexual assault, intimidation and sexual harassment?
In all cases: Talk about it!
At school or work: Confide in the mentor, manager or boss and report what happened. Because managers are obliged to provide a safe environment and to combat harassment, they must take the complaint seriously and take steps.
In the family: Confide in another family member. If this does not work, report the complaint to Victim Support, for example. By stranger, a neighbor or an ex: Report the complaint to the local police by filing an official report so that they can collect data and prosecute the perpetrator. Be aware of nasty, confrontational questions and know that the police often deal with false reports!
,The very first part in healing is shattering the silence., ~ Erin Merryn