The need for independence is an innate need of every person. And educators also all want their child to be able to manage independently in society later on. They therefore hope that they raise their child to be autonomous. Can you influence this as an educator? What should you do as an educator for that? Or just leave it?
- Parenting style: difference in warmth, structure and autonomy support
- Parenting styles
- Why autonomy-supportive parenting
- How do you do that in practice?
- There may be a difference; think about yourself
Parenting style: difference in warmth, structure and autonomy support
Parents differ from each other in their parenting when it comes to the three most important dimensions of parenting: warmth versus distant parenting, providing structure versus chaotic parenting and autonomy support versus coercive parenting.
Warmth versus distance Giving warmth means showing affection and love, having respect and appreciation for your child and radiating understanding and friendliness to your child. A more distant style of parenting means that you show less that you love someone, you show your feelings and emotions less.
Structure versus chaos Structure is about setting boundaries, by expressing expectations and establishing rules, and refers to having a set rhythm for the family. Chaos means being indulgent towards your child, i.e. not setting firm and clear boundaries, little rhythm and structure in the day and, for example, no fixed morning or bedtime ritual.
Autonomy versus control Autonomy support means that you can go along with your child’s perspective and leave your child room for initiative. You encourage yourself to make your own choices and decisions . If you have a more coercive or controlling parenting style, you are more decisive when it comes to your child and your child has less freedom to discover things for themselves.
Parenting styles
A warm upbringing with a lot of autonomy support and little structure, the characteristics of a laissez-faire upbringing, is opposed to an upbringing with many rules and structure, a more controlling upbringing of the child and little expression of warmth and love towards the child, the so-called authoritarian upbringing. There are all kinds of mixed forms in between.
Even within the same family, educators can use a different parenting style, based on their own upbringing as a child, temperament and personality, vision on parenting, and so on . From day to day, parenting style may vary slightly. People are not machines and so factors such as fatigue, stress and busyness play a role. When you’re tired, you may be less patient than you’d like to be. Stress can sometimes make you react more curtly than normal. And in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, you can occasionally let go of the regular rhythm of everyday life.
Why autonomy-supportive parenting
As an educator, you want your child to function independently in society later on. An interesting job, a nice partner and maybe children, or not. The most important thing for many parents is that he or she feels happy. Self-confidence and the thought that you have control over your life makes people happy. This makes you resilient and gives you the feeling that you can handle anything.
Children appear to feel better on days when their parents provide more autonomy-supportive parenting (Van der Kaap-Deeder, 2019). They then feel more like they can be themselves. They also have the feeling that they are more competent and can therefore handle things better. And they feel more connected to their parents. In the self-determination theory (SDT), according to which all people want to develop and develop positively, three basic needs are the most important: autonomy, competence and relatedness. These are correlated with the daily feeling of well-being. This connection works both ways. When children feel autonomous, competent and connected they have a higher sense of well-being, but when they have a higher sense of well-being they can also feel more autonomous, competent and connected. This also applies to parents. Also when it comes to autonomy-supportive parenting. If parents feel under pressure and suffer from feelings of failure and social isolation, this has a negative effect on their sense of well-being. They then feel more stress and suffer more from tunnel perspective, which makes the parents’ own wishes and desires more important. This makes it more difficult to provide autonomy-supportive parenting, so that children in turn feel less autonomous, competent and connected.
How do you do that in practice?
By responding to the needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness, you can best motivate your child. And that is the opposite of ‘motivating’, because that leads to pressure and stress. You want your child to get to know and express themselves better and better.
Think from your child’s perspective. Try to empathize with the child . What is the child’s perception of a particular situation? And how can you connect to what it needs in this situation?
If you want to support your child’s autonomy, you can encourage independent functioning by going along with the child’s perspective and by giving the child room for initiative. Even if something goes wrong. Accept the situation as it is and from there look further at what is possible. ,The test you forgot is tomorrow. How annoying for you to find out about this so late. But luckily not too late. What do you want to do?,
Watch your language: talk about allowed and not about having to. Instilling feelings of guilt, by pointing out that the homework should have already been completed, for example, or by using obligatory language (You have to do this and you have to do that!), makes children passive. As a result, they lose confidence in their own abilities. Even if you are very disappointed in your child’s behavior, it is important not to make your child feel guilty or ashamed based on that feeling. Your child wants to feel connected to you and will therefore feel an obligation to do what you say or to make things better. But this is how you build up tension and stress in your child and that is not the intention.
Listen and show understanding When you talk to your child about decisions your child has to make and choices he or she has to make, show that you are listening to your child. This way you stimulate their thought and thinking process. Occasionally briefly summarize what is being said, so that you can be sure that you understand the other person well. You can give your opinion, but try to remain open to what your child is going through and what he or she needs. Without judgment about this.
Talk and explain Tell about the world, outside and inside. Name what you see, what you do, around you and when it comes to your child. If your two-year-old child has fallen and wants to hit himself out of frustration, you can say, ,I see you’re angry. It’s not nice to fall either. You naughty sidewalk!, This way you give children words to understand the world around them. And to be able to grasp the emotions it feels. And that gives a feeling of autonomy and competence/control. This way a child knows that he or she is not alone.
Give space for expression Encourage your child to take action and form an opinion. Show that opinions can coexist and that they are all equally valuable. Confirm what your child finds important and let him or her make choices based on that.
It’s about the experience, not the result.
Growth mindset versus fixed mindset Teach your child that he or she is responsible for his or her success through motivation and hard work (growth mindset) and that he or she is therefore not dependent on innate qualities such as intelligence or talent (fixed mindset). This simple fact was discovered by psychologist and researcher Carol Dweck. By specifically complimenting your child on the work he or she has put into something (,How exactly you colored those lines. That must have taken a lot of effort., or ,What beautiful colors you chose for your drawing!,) and not only by complimenting the result (,You can color beautifully., or ,How good of you.,), the child learns that he or she has an influence on what he or she can (learn). In this way, it develops a thinking style (mindset) that is focused on growth and is not fixed. If a child has the feeling that he or she can do and achieve everything he or she wants, and therefore feels competent, it gives a lot of freedom.
Let your child participate
in decision-making You can very well let children participate in decision-making, for example when it comes to small things, such as the clothes they wear to school the next day, medium-sized things, such as shopping, or large things, such as a holiday destination . That doesn’t necessarily mean they have free choice. Learning to make your own choices also means learning to take circumstances into account, so: don’t wear shorts when it’s -10 degrees Celsius outside, if you are against climate change, you won’t fly, and so on. You can support this in the beginning with a young child by limiting the options. Don’t give your child free choice when it comes to tomorrow’s clothes, but prepare two sets (of course also taking his or her preferences into account) and let him or her choose from them. This way your child has the feeling that he can decide things for himself and at the same time he can get used to freedom of choice. You can of course also apply the same to the choice of sandwich toppings, games or toys they want to play with, and so on.
Let go of the person, but hold on to the child. Give your child the space to discover things for themselves, but continue to support your child. It remains your child and that connection may remain. At the same time, it is a human being with its own needs, wishes and desires, separate from yourself. By seeing these, you see your child for who he or she really is. And then there is all the more to love!
Set boundaries Indicate what you consider acceptable and unacceptable behavior. This is easier when children are still young than when your child is an adolescent. Try to indicate why something is important to you and set boundaries. If you don’t want your child to smoke or drink, your teenager may see this as meddling. Then try to explain this by pointing out health hazards, moral choices, and the like. And also consider your child’s reaction. It is not always easy to adhere to certain prohibitions, so pay attention to this as well.
Explain your expectations
When you make agreements with your child, about desired behavior for example, always explain why this is important to you. Indicate what you expect from your child. Children who understand why something is expected of them are more likely to listen and fulfill agreements made.
Punishment targeted If your child does not listen or exceeds the boundaries you have set, provide appropriate punishment if necessary. It is neither about satisfaction nor about behavioral control. Try to explain why the behavior is unacceptable. Please note: it is always about the child’s behavior and not about the person. If you indicate what behavior you expected (with reasons), you emphasize it, so that your child can (learn to) understand what that behavioral expectation is and why. In this way he or she learns to estimate its importance and value. It is important that you also indicate what he or she can do differently or how he or she can achieve the desired behavior. In this way, your child learns to take responsibility for his own behavior. And that in turn promotes the child’s autonomy.
Be frugal with rewards By rewarding your child frequently, he or she may let go of intrinsic motivation, the motivation from within, because he/she wants to please and/or wants the reward so much. If there is no reward, the need to demonstrate the desired behavior also disappears. In the longer term, however, you want your child to be self-motivated to do things. Try to emphasize how good it feels to accomplish something yourself or to get a good grade.
There may be a difference; think about yourself
Educators vary in the extent to which they support or limit children’s autonomy. This is also evident from the research by Van der Kaap-Deeder et al. (2019). You can encourage or put pressure on your child’s autonomous functioning. It is best to stimulate and activate your child as much as possible, so that he or she learns to find his or her way independently while maintaining affective support. Some days this is easier than others. Such is life and such is parenting. Your parenting style is therefore not necessarily fixed. This means that you can also develop in this. You can give yourself time for that. It also means that you have to take good care of yourself as a parent. In your own interest and in that of your child. After all, it is so much easier to raise your child exactly the way you want, when you feel psychologically free and when you feel capable and connected. If you are the person you want to be, you can also be the educator you want to be. You are also more open to tips and advice.
Do you feel less energetic, more irritable and do you want to decide things for your child faster because you don’t feel like fussing or whining? Then remember that this is a signal. And that you must return to your own base; your feelings of autonomy, competence and relatedness are compromised! So meet up with that friend who makes you feel understood, exercise and push your limits on the way to a personal record, and give priority to the daily things that give meaning to your life. And if things don’t work out, or you really have to put the interests of others first, for example because your child is sick or because you have to complete an urgent assignment at work or for your studies, then focus on mindfulness and meditation . This way you can better deal with any stress and frustration. Sometimes it is the way it is. If you can be a better parent, it gives you a sense of competence, autonomy and connection. And your child will benefit from that too.