Whether you feel lonely depends on yourself and the context. If you feel isolated or have no one to pour your heart out to, you may feel lonely. And if you feel lonely, you are. It’s that simple. Loneliness is subjective. More than 40% of people sometimes feel lonely. About 10% feel seriously to very seriously lonely. This is evident from research by CBS from 2016. But loneliness should not be a given, not a state of being. Instead, it’s a warning. Just like feeling pain or cold makes you take care of yourself or turn up the heating. Feeling lonely is a signal from your body to make open contact.
- What is loneliness
- Emotional and social loneliness
- How common is loneliness?
- Where does loneliness come from?
- Why the taboo on loneliness?
- What are the causes of loneliness?
- Loneliness and stages of life
- Child
- Adolescents
- Adults: 30 to 67 years
- Adults: from 68 years
- What are the consequences of loneliness?
- Is loneliness contagious?
- Effective loneliness interventions
What is loneliness
Loneliness is personal. We feel lonely when we feel less connected than we would like. We can feel left out or neglected when we have less contact with others than we would like. This may concern the number of contacts and the intimacy of the contact. In short: we miss a connection with the world, with the people around us.
Generally accepted and used is the definition of Van Tilburg and De Jong Gierveld (2007): ,Loneliness is the subjective experience of an unpleasant or intolerable lack of (quality of) certain social relationships. It may be that the number of contacts one has with other people is less than one wishes. It may also be that the quality of the relationships achieved lags behind the wishes. Loneliness is involuntary, it is a human experience and therefore difficult to observe from the outside.,
Emotional and social loneliness
This is about emotional and social loneliness. Emotional loneliness involves ,a subjectively experienced
lack of an emotionally close bond and/or an intimate relationship with a partner or close friend,. Social loneliness involves ,a subjectively experienced lack of meaningful relationships with a broader group of people such as acquaintances, colleagues or fellow students, neighbors, people who share the same interest in hobbies or sports., So it is not about all social contacts, but about supportive social contacts. Fleeting contacts do not protect against loneliness. And contacts that evoke negative or competitive feelings, such as at work or at school, for example, do not help against the feeling of loneliness. Constantly having to perform, even in comparison to others, actually causes stress.
How common is loneliness?
In the Netherlands, 43% of the adult population (people aged 19 and over) felt lonely according to 2016 CBS research. In this study, loneliness was measured with the loneliness scale, a questionnaire consisting of 11 items, on which people have to indicate on a three-point scale whether the statement does, does not or sometimes applies to them. People are not asked directly how lonely someone feels, because people may then give a socially desirable answer and not dare to admit it.
33% of respondents felt moderately lonely. 10% felt seriously to very lonely. This means that more than a million people over the age of 18 feel very lonely. Nearly 31% reported feeling emotionally lonely. 43% called themselves socially lonely. Men report feeling more lonely than women. Social loneliness is slightly more common in men, emotional loneliness is slightly more common in women. Older men in particular, over the age of 65, feel lonely. And people with children without a partner also feel more lonely than people with a partner and children. The number of young people who feel lonely is also striking.
Where does loneliness come from?
People need each other to survive. That’s how it was and that’s how it is. For several reasons. Whether it is to alert you when danger threatens, to comfort you when you are sad or to care for you when you are ill. We depend on each other for the survival of the species and for our individual well-being. So we need each other to feel safe, but also to be happy. The pain of loneliness is just like all other forms of pain: a signal from your body that something is wrong. Just as cold makes you seek warmth, hunger is an incentive to eat something, a ‘sleeping’ foot is a sign that you need to move your leg. Loneliness is therefore a signal that you need other people. Just as others need you too. By making contact you feel connected and you are no longer lonely.
At the same time, a lonely feeling makes you less focused on others. Your self-esteem can become lower, causing you to avoid contact. You feel worthless and are afraid of being rejected. Your view of humanity can also become more negative. And if you start to distrust people, you will be less inclined to make contacts. John Cacioppo’s evolutionary model (Goossens, 2018) assumes the latter. When you feel lonely, you first withdraw to consider your options. This is the first step. The second step is that you become hypersensitive to social hints and clues, verbal and non-verbal. This makes you more likely to see the contact possibilities, but also the possible threats that others can pose. Suppose you are walking down a shopping street and you see someone looking at you as he walks towards you. You can then smile kindly at the person. After all, a friend is a stranger who knows you. However, you can also think that the other person is staring at you, and therefore become aware of yourself (‘am I having something on my nose?’) or think that the other person is about to attack you, because why else would he look like that. The world becomes a more hostile place for you when you are lonely. This negative spiral is difficult to break.
So you actually have to tackle loneliness the moment you notice it in yourself. This first signal gives you the opportunity to prevent chronic loneliness.
Why the taboo on loneliness?
Before anyone can admit to themselves, let alone anyone else, that they are lonely, a lot has to happen. On the one hand, having many friends is the norm. A large group of friends. As many connections as possible on Facebook, Instagram, Google+, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Twitter. This certainly applies to young people.
Many people are not good at being alone. As soon as they have a moment of peace for themselves, they seek contact with others. Then the familiar ping sounds on your phone again with the question ‘What are you doing?’. Boredom is also something that people quickly find annoying. They prefer to visit other people. “Alone is only alone,” right? Social media ‘help’ with this. They provide an ever-present audience. This way you always receive confirmation of your existence. I’m here! Just look at my selfies, see what I’ve seen, look at what I eat and drink, and with whom. I may be there. Numerous companies are cleverly responding to this primal desire. Give a status update in WhatsApp, share your photos with Facebook or Instagram, let us know what you think of an article on LinkedIn or send your opinion around the world via Twitter.
On the other hand, isolation is seen as strong in our society. Being alone is good . With clear boundaries you define yourself from others. You are an individual. You are independent. That’s the way it should be. Of course it is good to have a relationship and/or friends. But above all, you should not feel dependent on it. By doing so you are selling yourself short, is the increasingly strong message in today’s individualistic society. You have to do it yourself, even if not alone. It is difficult to indicate that you need something, if messages on social media make you believe that others have everything they want. What do they want to do with you then, you might think.
The tension between individuals and relationships, between autonomy and dependence, between being on your own and being together, makes it confusing and difficult, especially for some people, to find a good balance between these. This can contribute to feelings of loneliness.
Admitting that you are lonely is admitting that you are pathetic, because you need others, you might think. Of course that is not the case at all. We all need other people. Admitting that you feel lonely means listening to yourself and standing up for your interests. If that isn’t strong!
What are the causes of loneliness?
Loneliness has several causes, which can strengthen or weaken each other. Known risk factors are changing life circumstances such as loss of partner, relocation, less experienced management (for example in case of illness or old age) and divorce. Studies show that people whose risk factors increase (reducing protection) are more susceptible to loneliness. Dementia is also a risk factor for loneliness, because it becomes increasingly difficult to find the right words to have meaningful conversations. This may be a reason for the person with dementia to withdraw, but those around them may also not know how to deal with it and therefore avoid contact.
People with money problems, a chronic illness or physical disabilities are more likely to be lonely, as this makes social contact more difficult and makes it less easy for people to participate in society. This may also apply to informal caregivers when they are so busy and/or depressed by their informal care tasks. People who do not speak the language, spoken and/or written, such as people with low literacy and people with a migration background, are also at greater risk of feeling lonely.
Psychiatric diagnoses such as autism, depression, psychosis or a personality disorder can also increase lonely feelings. Too few social skills, lack of energy, too much self-doubt or too high expectations can cause feelings of loneliness. Which in turn can negatively influence the symptoms or complaints. A vicious circle.
Heredity itself may also play a role in the development of loneliness. People differ in their genetic predisposition to loneliness and may therefore have a greater chance of loneliness. Some people need a larger social network than others. But someone can also be more adept at making and maintaining contacts than another, or one person may have a more positive self-image than another and therefore make contacts more easily.
For example, one person may be quicker to label themselves as lonely , while another person sees it as the freedom to experience everything alone. So it is not necessarily the case that your increased predisposition to loneliness actually makes you feel more lonely, but you are more sensitive to loneliness. If you are sensitive to loneliness, this may also mean that you experience it very intensely. If your circumstances are such that they promote loneliness, for example a divorce or the death of your life partner, then certain personal characteristics increase the chance that you will become lonely.
It is not only circumstances and (hereditary) characteristics that can make people feel lonely. People expect a lot from life, from themselves and from relationships. ,As long as they become happy, is the fervent wish of every parent. And why? From then on, the pressure keeps increasing.
But loneliness is not just something that people can do something about themselves. Traditional social connections such as church and neighborhood communities have lost enormous meaning for many people. The living environment can also play a role in increasing loneliness. Where in the past there were numerous shops that ensured that people saw each other regularly, things are now very different. In some small villages or city neighborhoods there are no longer supermarkets or local shops. Entire village centers have disappeared. Because people are less regionally bound and change jobs and relationships more, they move more often and further away. This ensures that people do not get to know each other or get to know each other less well. If you feel like a stranger in the neighborhood and have difficulty connecting, you can feel lonely more quickly. Especially because it requires more of your social skills. But also simply because it takes time. For example, people with a full-time job, young children and/or a long commute often run out of time. It is precisely investing in contacts in the neighborhood or with friends that falls short. Before you know it you feel alone.
Source: ~~Weezie~~® , Flickr (CC BY-2.0 )
Loneliness and stages of life
Child
As a child you can already feel lonely. For example, preschoolers who cannot yet express themselves very well can feel misunderstood and alone, and therefore lonely. Also or especially in contact with peers. As a parent you often know what your child means, but at primary school things are very different. Not all children are equally adept at making contact with other children. For example, they are very shy. Being aware of this as a parent/educator can take a lot of the pressure off.
Adolescents
Young people can feel very lonely. As a young teenager you distance yourself from your parents. You focus more and more on peers, but you do not always connect with them. Also because it is difficult to share your inner world with others. There is also the complicated interaction between being yourself and becoming yourself through others. You can still discover who you are and want to be, but at the same time you desperately want to belong and not be left out. This sometimes leaves little room to really show yourself. How often does it happen that the happily purchased new sweater remains in the closet after wearing it once, because a friend at school made a comment about it? All this can lead to feelings of loneliness.
Adolescents/students often move to a (different) city when they start studying. Suddenly they are responsible for the organization of their lives. They have to build a new circle of friends and deal with the demands of higher education. They miss their parents and old friends, but often receive little support from them because they are further away. Many contacts that students have are superficial and that does not help prevent loneliness. Fortunately, this loneliness is often situational and not long-lasting, i.e. after such a huge transition, most young people regain a new balance and the loneliness often decreases. If this is not the case, this is reason to sound the alarm. It may be because you miss a connection with fellow students, which forces you to look further and therefore it takes more effort (and time) to make friends. You may also lack social skills, which can make it difficult to make and maintain friendships. Then it is also good to actively work on it. Everything can be learned.
Adults: 30 to 67 years
As an adult, the factors that determine loneliness are often work, partner, friends and whether or not you have (young) children. Having a job can make you feel less isolated, although having to work in a very competitive status-oriented environment can increase the feeling of loneliness because you don’t know who to trust. That makes it difficult to be open. There is often less time for friends, as a result of having a steady relationship and children. But even when you are married you can feel lonely. Social loneliness in particular occurs. Having young children can provide extra contacts, allowing you to find new friends in the parents of other children at childcare, daycare or school, but that is not necessary. Too high expectations about this can even get in the way of these new friendships. Young children can also cause more loneliness. Especially emotional loneliness. For example, in the case of single parents or children who need more care. Sometimes you can find support online from people who are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. For example, if you have questions about your child’s development and there is a suspicion of a developmental problem, you can go to the Balans forum if you are a member of the Balans parent association.
Adults: from 68 years
Older men are often slightly lonelier than women of the same age. Especially when it comes to social loneliness. It is precisely for this age group that work has disappeared or the number of working hours has been greatly reduced. This changes the social position and daily contacts. Dealing with this well requires a lot of adaptability. Over the age of 85, women report feeling more emotionally lonely. This is often due to the loss of a partner. Widowers and widows indicate that they feel more emotionally lonely, but not necessarily more socially lonely. So they do have a network around them, but they lack someone to whom they can pour their hearts out. There is also loneliness in nursing homes. Especially if you have less or no connection, such as gay, lesbian or bisexual elderly people who are afraid to reveal their orientation.
What are the consequences of loneliness?
When you feel lonely you can get the feeling that you are worth nothing or that you are worth less than someone else. You may start to see yourself as insignificant or meaningless. This feeling of worthlessness can make it more difficult to connect with others. This can cause many people to be sidelined in society. Not good for the people themselves, but society also lacks enormous potential.
Lonely people visit the doctor more often, recover less quickly from illnesses and generally feel less fit. Loneliness is associated with a poorer functioning immune system, higher blood pressure, more stress hormones, poorer sleep quality, poorer executive functions, overweight/obesity , alcoholism and drug use, and even dementia in older adults. This makes loneliness a serious risk factor for poor health, comparable to obesity and smoking.
Loneliness affects our behavior in different ways. By reducing the skills associated with executive functioning, lonely people have a harder time controlling their impulses. This means that they are more likely to give in to an unhealthy habit instead of sticking to a healthy diet or, for example, exercising or running. People not only feel more unhappy as a result of loneliness, but they also feel less safe. This also means that they may unconsciously place more emphasis on negative qualities of others or have a negative perception of their own pleasant contact with someone else. You quickly feel yourself falling short or have the feeling that the other person is falling short. This can make you behave more distantly, which can increase loneliness.
Is loneliness contagious?
Feeling lonely can not only negatively change your self-image, but also your image of humanity can be negatively affected. You become more negative about other people, you distrust others and talk to them less. If you feel lonely, you will forget about chatting with the neighbor. You are less likely to make small talk with the baker. Or you will contact your friends less. This also makes the neighbor a bit lonelier. And your friends too. After all, they must miss contact with you. Before you know it, loneliness spreads like this.
Effective loneliness interventions
Loneliness is an experienced difference between wish and reality regarding social relationships, which can gradually become stronger and longer lasting. And then it can grow from wish to desire. This means that prevention is better than cure. By paying attention to your social network. By investing in your love and friendship relationships, you ensure that your social network can withstand a blow. But once you feel lonely, it cannot be completely avoided. After all, the loss of important others is part of life. This means that a solution is always tailor-made. The Movisie website includes activities that are (or can be) effective. Movisie is the national knowledge institute for a coherent approach to social issues. Effective activities come from municipalities and social organizations, among others, where people follow training courses for insight and tools. This way they learn to talk or do things together.
It is important to first find out what people’s wishes are before you come up with a solution or approach. Every approach starts with a conversation. Talking about loneliness already helps. And we can do that for each other: take the plunge and talk to each other. This way we can all help ourselves and each other.