Much, if not all, violence is based on a wrong way of thinking, namely: the opponent sees it wrong and he has done it! By assuming this unwavering position, we are unable to see our own vulnerability and that of others. The result is that we dig into our questionable certainty. Therefore: Find the cause of a conflict in the feelings, fears, desires and needs of yourself or the other. And: Let your own feelings and needs speak instead of doing or saying what you should and hiding behind others.
Labels
The other person irritates you because he does not do things the way you think they should be done. As soon as you have to work together, or he for you, it causes problems. You like peace and order, while you call the other person chaotic and noisy. Conversely, it bothers the other person immensely how you curtail his freedom and prevent him from enjoying cheerful music. He calls you whiny and narrow-minded. You both attach a label to the other that is determined by how you view things. In this way you use yourself as a benchmark for what should be done, how it should be done or is good, and you pin the other person down.
Moralize
‘If you do this/this, then you are doing it wrong / you are bad,’ in other words: the other person is not acting in accordance with your values and standards. By analyzing others you are essentially expressing your own needs and values. ‘Who is what’ is a judgement: ‘Pete is nice/smart/handy/abnormal/antisocial/negative, etc.’ While you think you are talking about the other person, you are actually starting from yourself, taking yourself as a standard…
To compare
Saying, “Janet is doing better,” is putting yourself down and making yourself feel miserable. When you say, ,Peter is doing worse,, you are comparing him to yourself, while implying that you are doing much better. However, realize that there are many ways to do something, to get somewhere. One way is better for Janet, the other suits Piet better. How wonderful it is that there are so many different ways in which something can be achieved. It provides enormous variety and richness.
Responsibility
Another problem is that we do not (or do not want to) realize that we are usually responsible for the situation in which we find ourselves. We prefer to shift that responsibility to the government, politicians, civil servants, etc. Failed student: ‘If the teacher had not calculated so strictly, I would have passed,’ In a messy house: ‘Cleaning is not my thing, I I’m more of the intellectual type.’ We can easily fool ourselves through veiled language.
Consciously
Fortunately, you can replace language that denies the ability to choose with language that implies conscious choice. It is dangerous if you are not aware of your responsibility for your own behavior, thoughts and feelings, but you hide behind the law, what it should be, your boss, your faith, your parents, etc.
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Denying responsibility |
Take responsibility |
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There are things that have to be done, whether you like it or not. |
I like to live in a clean, tidy house, so I do some housework every day. |
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You make me feel guilty / sad / angry / …. |
I’m sorry that you are angry because I didn’t come, but it bothers me that you are so often negative and not open to alternatives. |
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My boss, |
I enjoy helping my boss, |
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Such is the law/policy/rule. |
Rules and laws are necessary to make social interaction smoother and possibly more pleasant, so I am happy to contribute to that. |
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That party is important to her, so I have to go there. |
I have been invited to the special celebration of their founding and it would be rude if I did not respond. |
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If I don’t go, I feel guilty because then she thinks I’m selfish. |
I go to my mother once a week / fortnight, which is a pleasure for her (although she would like me to come more often). |
Manipulate
You encounter another problem if you have a tendency to bend people to your will. For example: Instead of delivering the work to your secretary on time, you delay too long, causing her to have to work overtime to compensate for your failure. You may succeed in the short term, but you won’t make any friends with it. The other person will always reluctantly do what he/she cannot avoid. The result is that the work is not done as well or quickly, or that you can count on little cooperation next time. There is also the danger that the others, if given the chance, will still avenge their powerlessness on you. Think about how you would feel about that yourself.
Punish or reward
Punishments are based on the nasty idea that people who act a certain way are bad and should be punished. While people are positively motivated to do or not do something if it benefits them. Sometimes it is not even necessary to reward people, because they enjoy doing the work so much that the reward is intrinsic. While other work arouses so much resistance that it doesn’t hurt to give it an attractive twist. Again: think about what that is like for yourself. When do you do something with pleasure, when with reluctance? And here too, what is a piece of cake for one person may prove to be an enormous task for another.
Must
Notice how often people have to use the word when they want to use it much better. I still have to do the dishes (will you be punished otherwise?) instead of: I still want to do the dishes, otherwise I’ll be looking at a dirty countertop all evening. Having to implies that you have no choice, unlike wanting . Even something as simple as the offer of something tasty can sound like this: Do you want a cookie? This life-alienating communication has its roots in and maintains hierarchical and power-oriented societies. A language with words such as must and serve / hear (you should / should do that) is ideal for this. The question is whether you want that, while it could certainly be done differently and much better.
Strange
Age-old ideas about human nature emphasize our innate badness and defects and the need for education to control them. Such an upbringing often causes us to wonder if there is something wrong with our feelings and needs. In this way we learn early on to distance ourselves from what is going on within ourselves. We suppress our feelings and don’t take the time to explore them. We are afraid that we will come across causes that we will then not know what to do with. Just look at how difficult it is to name your feelings. The result is that we can be irritable, without knowing where that irritation suddenly comes from. This may be because we have learned to always be there for family members, but not that we are allowed to draw boundaries.
In short
Let your own feelings and needs speak instead of doing or saying what you should and hiding behind others; After all, slavery has been abolished!
In this video, Marshall Rosenberg shows how the process of nonviolent communication works.