You can be hurt and unbalanced by a personal attack. This is even more true when the attacker is someone close to you. A personal attack is an attack on someone’s character or identity, for example, where the attacker questions someone’s integrity or credibility. You may feel pressured to defend or justify yourself by a personal attack. You may also feel offended or hurt. This makes sense, because the purpose of a personal attack is to hurt someone. When responding to a personal attack, there are things you should and shouldn’t say or do. And there are ways you can protect yourself in the long term from situations where you are personally attacked.
How can you deal with a personal attack?
- What is a personal attack?
- Effect of a personal attack
- Examples of a personal attack
- How can you respond to a personal attack?
- How to respond better to a personal attack
- How not to respond to a personal attack
- How can you protect yourself from situations where someone attacks you personally?
- Protect yourself from personal attack in the long run
What is a personal attack?
A personal attack is a situation where the person is being targeted. Someone is being attacked on his/her character or identity. For example, someone’s credibility or good intentions may be questioned by the attacker. This can be done in different ways. The attacker’s goal is to hurt someone with a personal attack. A person can experience a personal attack in multiple environments, such as at home, at work, at school, on social media, at family events, or in the nightlife. The personal attack can be expressed in several ways, such as an attacker who insults someone or an attacker who draws negative or bad conclusions from someone’s personality or character with incorrect arguments.
Effect of a personal attack
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You may be shocked when someone attacks you or someone around you personally and you do not know exactly how to respond effectively. This makes sense, because a personal attack puts a completely different spin on the conversation and suddenly changes the atmosphere in an environment. The effect of a personal attack depends on how the person being personally attacked interprets the attack. What one person considers a normal comment, someone else may find extremely hurtful. This may be the case, for example, if the attacker and the person being attacked do not (yet) know each other well. But it is also true that the better the attacker knows someone, the more effectively he/she can choose words to attack someone personally. It may also be that the attacker attacks someone personally to hurt someone close to the attacked person. The effects of a personal attack can be more damaging for someone with an insecure and/or empathetic personality, because they are more likely to be hurt and may care too much about the hurtful comments that are made.
Examples of a personal attack
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Someone who personally attacks another person can clearly do this by calling someone names. Someone who personally attacks another person can also use an incorrect argument to draw negative or harmful conclusions about someone’s character or personality. Someone who attacks another personally often silences that other person. There are several examples of a personal attack with which the attacker tries to hurt someone:
- A very clear personal attack, in which the attacker insults someone with a swear word.
- A personal attack in which the attacker uses circumstances to question someone’s credibility or good intentions.
- A personal attack in which the attacker wrongly states that the position someone takes does not correspond to one’s own principles.
- A personal attack in which the attacker makes a negative statement about someone’s character or identity.
- A personal attack in which the attacker refers in a negative or questionable way to someone’s religion, gender, orientation, appearance, (ethnic) origin, intelligence, physical characteristics, background or integrity.
- A personal attack in which the attacker associates someone with a dictator, (war) criminal, sect or a totalitarian ideology.
- A personal attack in which the attacker laughs at someone and mocks what someone has said or done.
- A personal attack in which the attacker insults a group of which someone is a member.
How can you respond to a personal attack?
If someone attacks you personally, you may (rightly) feel insulted and hurt. It is important to consider whether the personal attack is a hopeless confrontation or whether there is an opportunity for constructive dialogue. A personal attack often involves a hopeless confrontation, because someone attacks the person and deliberately hurts someone. The attacker uses no or incorrect arguments. If someone attacks you personally, for example to question your character, identity, good intentions or credibility as a person, there are ways you can respond more effectively. When responding to a personal attack, there are a number of things you should and should not say and do.
How to respond better to a personal attack
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There are several ways you can respond more effectively to a personal attack:
- Stay diplomatic: be determined, calm and alert.
- Take a few seconds to realize what is happening.
- Name the attacker’s behavior in your mind: ask yourself what the attacker is doing.
- Address the attacker’s behavior and say that you are not going to continue the conversation in this way.
- Clearly indicate your boundaries: attach consequences if the attacker exceeds your boundaries.
- Realize that some people use personal attacks to manipulate others.
- Show neither sympathy nor antipathy, but show an even-tempered detachment.
- When being laughed at by the attacker: ask in a meaningless tone, ,Why are you laughing?,
- Realize that a personal attack is usually a trick by the attacker to throw you off balance.
- Understand that a personal attack says more about the attacker than about the person being attacked.
- In case of a subtle personal attack: use counter questions that focus on the underlying motives. You can think of questions such as: ‘How exactly do you mean that?’, or ‘Do you mean that…?’, or repeat the attacker’s words and ask for confirmation by asking: ‘Did you just say that I …am?’
- Realize that the attacker does not provide (valid) arguments for the personal attack.
- In the event of a prolonged personal attack (weeks, months or years) or an attacker who regularly uses the personal attack: when you are in the attacker’s environment, act as if you do not notice the attacker’s manipulation and attack tactics.
How not to respond to a personal attack
There are several ways in which you should not respond to a personal attack, such as:
- Don’t defend or justify yourself.
- Don’t be intimidated: say and do what you want.
- Don’t give in to the personal attack just to get rid of the problem: this will leave you feeling unsatisfied.
- Don’t stoop to the level of the attacker: don’t denigrate, hurt or insult the attacker.
- Don’t let the personal attack hurt you: focus on facts and behavior.
- Do not be provoked and try to ensure that the attacker can leave the conflict with honor.
- In the case of a (very) dangerous attacker: do not ask the attacker how he or she intends the personal attack (this could lead to further escalation).
How can you protect yourself from situations where someone attacks you personally?
A purpose of a personal attack is to hurt the person against whom the personal attack is directed. Some people experience personal attacks more often, because the attacker is a constant part of their living environment. For example, the attacker could be in someone’s family, home or work environment. It is important, especially for empathetic and/or insecure people, to protect themselves from the hurtful comments made by the personal attacker. Especially someone who is naturally gentle or grew up with a psychopathic parent may not have learned enough to protect themselves against a (prolonged) personal attack. It is important to protect yourself from the effects that a personal attack can have so that you can maintain a healthy self-image and protect your own psychological and emotional safety.
Protect yourself from personal attack in the long run
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- Think about what you consider important norms and values in life.
- Make sure you realize when you would rather say no and do so.
- Know your own needs and get them met.
- Recognize (un)safe situations and respond alertly to situations that relate to your own safety (also on a psychological, emotional and intellectual level).
- Know how to communicate superficially with superficial people.
- Recognize situations in which your sense of guilt and responsibility is appealed to.
- Understand what an equal relationship of giving and receiving entails.
- Stay in touch with your feelings through yoga, sports or meditation, for example.
- Only give boring and monotonous responses to someone who regularly attacks you personally (the gray stone method).
- Visualize a white light (imaginary shield) around your body that protects you from negative influences.