Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of empathy and an insatiable craving for attention and validation. For a narcissist, attention and confirmation are of vital importance because these are, as it were, the batteries on which a narcissist functions. Without these batteries – also called narcissistic power – a narcissist cannot function. A narcissist will do everything he can to meet his need for attention and confirmation, even if this is at the expense of those close to him. A common way to provide oneself with narcissistic nourishment is trauma bonding.
What is trauma bonding
Every person has a natural need to connect with other people. This need for connection naturally maintains family ties, friendships and relationships. Especially when you as a person feel afraid, unsafe or insecure, the natural reaction is to reach out to the people you feel connected to, so that you can experience a sense of safety and protection. However, when you are connected to someone who abuses you, such as a narcissistic partner or narcissistic family member, this natural need for connection works against you in the form of trauma bonding. It should be noted that not only vulnerable individuals can connect with a narcissist. It also happens to strong and confident people.
The stages of trauma bonding
Trauma bonding in narcissism is a process that takes place subtly, often through the following phases:
- The love bombing phase
- The phase of trust
- The phase of subtle change
- The gaslighting phase
- The surrender phase
- The phase of addiction
Phase 1: The love bombing phase
In this phase the victim is showered with love, affirmation, beautiful promises and gifts. The narcissist wants to make his victim feel good in this phase by proving his love. The narcissist demands nothing in return. The narcissist tries to win the trust and love of his victim in this way. In this phase, the victim experiences a feeling of safety and unconditional love.
Phase 2: the trust phase
In this phase, both the narcissist and the victim feel more secure in the relationship. The narcissist stops his love bombing at this stage, but only rewards his victim with love and positive attention when the victim behaves on the narcissist’s terms. The victim is, as it were, rewarded for pleasing the narcissist. Because the victim still receives a lot of love and attention, he/she is not aware that the love and attention have now become conditional. The victim trusts the narcissist and is committed to him.
Phase 3: the phase of subtle change
In this phase, the narcissist suddenly gives the victim less attention and love. He may even abuse his victim in a subtle way. This can manifest itself in openly humiliating, criticizing, ignoring the needs and boundaries of his victim. Sometimes the victim is suddenly and unexpectedly rewarded with love and attention. There is no way to tie any strings to this. And this is very confusing for the victim. It is unclear to the victim what is happening, why he/she sometimes receives little attention or love, why the narcissist can behave so differently and why sometimes the love and attention that the victim longs for is suddenly available again. The relationship changes from safe and predictable to erratic and unpredictable.
Phase 4: the gaslighting phase
In this phase the victim is confused and does not understand what is happening and why. The narcissist will lie, cheat, conceal, distort and blame this on the victim. If the victim would behave more in the way the narcissist wants and would not make a problem of the narcissist’s behavior, the relationship will be able to change into a loving and reliable relationship again, according to the narcissist. The victim starts to doubt his/her own judgment, his own boundaries and needs and his own norms and values. The doubt will be stimulated by the narcissist.
Phase 5: the surrender phase
The victim will experience a sense of loss of control and dependence on the narcissist during this phase. Because there is doubt about one’s own judgment and one’s own norms, values, boundaries and needs, the victim will be inclined to trust the narcissist’s judgment and surrender to it. This puts the narcissist in control, has all the control and can do what he wants, without having to fear losing the victim – and source of narcissistic nourishment.
The victim feels trapped and at the mercy of the narcissist, without trusting himself and his own abilities. The victim often experiences a lot of anxiety and depression in this phase, after which the narcissist will take the victim out again. The victim will try to behave as much as possible according to the narcissist’s wishes in the hope that when he/she behaves well, the narcissist will reward him/her with love, warmth and attention.
Phase 6: the addiction phase
In this phase of addiction, the victim is both mentally and physically dependent on the narcissist. Physically, the same symptoms occur as when someone is addicted to substances when the love and attention of the narcissist is not forthcoming. This is an extremely intense experience for the victim. The victim can no longer think rationally and is not in touch with the harsh reality: that he/she is being abused and is addicted to the love and affirmation of the narcissist. The people around the victim see what is happening from a distance and become concerned about the victim during this phase.
Often several people in the narcissist’s immediate environment are in therapy, due to the narcissist’s harmful behavior. Instead of experiencing anger or hatred , the victim will be extremely afraid of being abandoned and replaced by the narcissist. The victim is now a victim of trauma bonding. The narcissist cannot see how much damage he is causing and has caused in the lives of his victim(s) and will therefore not change his behavior.
Underlying causes of trauma bonding
There are several processes underlying trauma bonding. These are:
- Unpredictable rewards;
- Stockholm syndrome;
- Cognitive dissonance;
- Re-experiencing.
Random reward
Narcissists are by definition unpredictable. The victim does not know when the narcissist will act loving, supportive or cold and rejecting. This creates feelings of anxiety and addiction.
Laboratory research with rats, conducted by behavioral psychologist BF Skinner, shows that random (unpredictable) rewards have an enormously addictive effect on rats.
In Skinner’s experiment, four groups of rats could be distinguished:
- Rats that pressed a button and immediately got food;
- Rats that pressed a button and were given food after ten presses;
- Rats that pressed a button and never got food;
- Rats that pressed a button and were rewarded completely randomly.
The rats from the first and second groups learned that they would receive food when they pressed the button one or ten times. These rats were relaxed and content. The rats from the third group learned not to press the button anymore, because there was no reward associated with it, and they were also calm. The rats in the fourth group kept pressing the button in the hope of getting food, even if it didn’t happen for a while. These rats were restless and showed signs of addiction: they could not leave the button alone in the hope of gaining control. Even when they were given no food at all. When the predictability of getting food was changed in this last group of rats and the rats suddenly received food for a period of time at the press of a button, they were able to regain their peace and the addictive effect disappeared. However, when the button was completely removed, the rats panicked completely.
This experiment also shows how this works in humans. When someone receives love and affirmation from those close to them in a predictable way, this person learns to trust it. This gives a feeling of safety, predictability and grip. This is also true when reward never occurs. Then a bond will be broken.
However, when someone receives random love and confirmation and is randomly abused, the feeling of security, control and predictability disappears. An addictive effect arises. The victim fights and does everything they can to make the relationship with the narcissist safe, stable and predictable. When the narcissist seems to meet the victim’s needs unexpectedly, apologizes for his behavior and says he has changed, this evokes euphoric feelings in the victim. However, when the narcissist relapses into his unpredictable behavior, the victim experiences extremely profound fear of abandonment and physical withdrawal symptoms.
Stockholm syndrome
The name Stockholm Syndrome comes from a bank robbery that took place in Stockholm in 1973, in which, after a period of being held hostage, the hostages began to feel love for the robbers instead of anger and hatred.
When a victim feels unable to escape from the relationship with a narcissist, partly because there is a real threat of even more insecurity if the victim leaves the relationship with the narcissist (narcissistic anger can be stirred up, which the narcissist can handle revenge, stalking and unpredictable actions) Stockholm syndrome can occur. It is then, as it were, safer to have contact with the narcissist and experience some predictability than not.
When the narcissist again unexpectedly shows love and understanding towards the victim, the victim feels enormously relieved, loved and hopeful. Will things finally work out? Has the danger of abuse passed? The victim then tends to forget what the narcissist has done to him/her and feels love. Stockholm syndrome actually feels like love and is in fact a survival mechanism.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is an imbalance of tension that arises when two opposing streams of thought occur within a person’s brain. In the case of trauma bonding with a narcissist, the following opposing thought streams play a role in the victim:
- This relationship is unsustainable, unsafe, destructive and destroying me. I have to get out of this relationship!
- I have to stay in this relationship, the narcissist is the only one who can love me. I have to make it work!
For a victim, it is often a choice between two evils: either stay and destroy the relationship or leave and not know what to expect in terms of the narcissist’s behavior. The victim will be inclined to choose the second stream of thoughts. This creates a lot of fear and inner shame for accepting the abuse. To calm this fear and shame, the victim will try to reassure themselves by justifying the abuse with thoughts such as:
- He/she loves me and does his best.
- He/she is a good person, it’s my fault that it doesn’t work;
- If I just try harder, I’ll be fine;
- He/she is the only person who can love me.
This creates even more trauma bonding, devotion and love for the narcissist.
Re-experiencing
When a person is re-traumatized, re-experiences of previous traumatic events are activated, which also trigger primitive survival mechanisms. The victim is inclined to cling to the narcissist for survival, like a child to its parents, in order to experience relief from the trauma. This process is extremely powerful and unconscious. During the re-experience, the victim loses his/her maturity and self-confidence and feels completely helpless. The victim also experiences fear of death.
In this state, the victim believes that if he does not meet the narcissist’s needs, he literally will not survive. All ground has been removed from under the victim and he will once again surrender to the narcissist in order to survive.
Trauma bonding to a narcissist is an extremely complex whole. There are a lot of influences at play. Do you find yourself in a situation as described above? Don’t hesitate to seek help from friends, family, your GP or an experienced therapist.
read more
- Narcissism and gaslighting: creating doubt through manipulation
- Narcissistic abuse and brain damage
- Dealing with narcissistic parents
- The hidden narcissistic personality disorder
- Codependency vs. narcissism