No one in their right mind wakes up one morning and resolves to have an affair that day. It’s usually something that just happens to you. Most people think that if you start an affair there is something wrong in your relationship. A secret love, however, often suddenly shows up. Whether you respond to this person’s advances depends entirely on the lack in your life. You don’t just cheat, when you start an affair there is something wrong in your life.
In love, but not with your partner
You don’t just fall in love with someone else, you only fall in love with someone else when a very important need in your life is not met. Sylvia and Mario were always a nice couple, always walking hand in hand on the street, even after the children were born. Walk the dog together in the park and do fun things with the family. An ideal relationship. Yet something has slowly crept in. Over the years, Sylvia has become increasingly critical and criticizes Mario more and more often. That happens so often these days that he feels a great distance from Sylvia. Lately he usually goes out to walk the dog alone. In the park he meets Marina, a very nice and warm-hearted woman. Before he knows it they are having a secret affair. Marina is sweet, kind, warm and gives him the feeling of doing everything right. She is everything he has been missing from his wife for so long. He enjoys the feeling of being in love, which makes life a lot more bearable, even at home. Yet after a while the affair starts to show signs of flaws, Marina makes more and more demands and reacts angrily when he has no time for her.
Insight
Mario comes to realize that a secret affair is fun at first because it is new and exciting. After a while, even a secret affair becomes a normal relationship and is this new person the one you really want? All along, Mario felt like he was stuck in a bad marriage and that Marina was the angel who came to save him. However, perhaps he was not the victim of his bad marriage at all, but its instigator. Perhaps the unhappiness he had with his wife was not due to her but to himself and the fact that he was not happy with his life. He breaks off the affair with Marina, with pain in his heart. He is still not happy in his marriage, but he has the intention not to remain in his victim role and to start living again.
Wisdom within
According to American psychologist Mira Kirshenbaum, these insights are common among people who have an affair. Behind the mess that people often make of themselves, there is a wisdom hidden deep and vulnerable. According to Kirshenbaum, it leads to healing insight when people listen carefully to this inner wisdom. She believes that wisdom is hidden in an experience that blows away all the dust from a permanent relationship. Because the dust has been blown away, you will automatically see the things you had forgotten about yourself. Kirshenbaum has researched secret love and came to the conclusion that it is a dangerous way to put your life in order, but often an effective one. Sometimes you sink so far into the mire of a committed relationship that you have no idea what you’re missing or even that you’re missing anything.
A loss
When you fall in love with someone else, there is usually a loss in your life. That can be a huge loss, but also a small loss that you could ignore for a long time. It can be anything, humor, recognition, attention, need for love and freedom. It also does not reveal itself immediately in the first phase of the affair, which is often only fun and superficial. You have a compelling love again and you do fun, surprising and exciting things together. After a while, however, doubt sets in and you feel guilty. At that point, the affair becomes a nuisance and you start to think about how you got into this situation. When you lie in bed at night and you can’t sleep because you are worrying about what to do next, you start thinking about what you are actually missing in your life. You will have to look deep within your own soul for the answer.
To elect
Most people who have an affair think they have to choose between two lovers. However, that is not the question you are looking for, the answer to this question will not help you any further. The question should actually be: what was it that you found in the other person that made you so happy? The only way to find out why you have arrived at this point in your life is to be completely honest with yourself. It may be that there was a side of yourself that you had to suppress too often. Maybe you just needed an apology because you knew the relationship couldn’t be saved. Either way, the most important question you should ask is: What is the most important thing in my life? What comes up most when you think about the situation you are in, what question, what image or what feeling? For some, being with someone who really loves them or a partner who truly understands them is important. You may also want more freedom or go out with your partner more often. It could be anything, even wealth, children or a dog. As long as you think about what is most important to you.
To be happy
Sometimes it’s hard to be happy, but when you find what’s most important to you, you’re likely to find happiness. You will also discover that happiness has always been waiting for you, you just had to find it.
Book
Would you like to know more about this? Mira Kirshenbaum has written a book based on her research into secret affairs. It is called In Love with Someone Else, it was published in 2008 by Archipel and the ISBN is 9789063053697.
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