Being a caregiver is not always easy and can sometimes become a major problem. This often occurs very gradually. Your father or mother breaks a wrist or a leg, gets pneumonia, a mild TIA or even a bad case of the flu. You will of course help immediately and drive him or her to the doctor or hospital, take care of the shopping and occasionally check to see if anything is needed. That is usually not a problem, but after every illness or disability you are often left with another care task. The care tasks are gradually increasing. You collect the medicines, accompany them to check-up visits at the hospital, pick them up to spoil them on a Sunday, arrange a physiotherapist, and so on.
You often feel that being an informal caregiver for parents falls under a duty of care
If you have a good relationship with your parents, that is also very natural and you do it with pleasure. After all, your parents have also taken care of you for years and will still provide you with advice and assistance, even if you have been away from home for years. Many fathers still help their children with construction, renovation of their house or keeping the garden in order. Mothers come by and take care of the ironing or clean the windows. They often also buy a pair of children’s shoes here or there or some nice clothes for their grandchildren.
To look after children
In addition, many parents regularly look after their grandchildren if their children both have jobs. That is excellent, because in this way the education is often along the same lines. Usually it goes very well. The grandparents also like it, because in this way they strengthen the bond with their children and grandchildren. The grandchildren, in turn, usually like to go to grandma and grandpa, because often they are allowed to do a little more than with their own parents. It is therefore fine for them to take care of their parents when things are not going well for them.
Enjoy helping parents, but don’t spend too much time on it
Many children are happy to provide this help. Especially if the bond is good, the parents are also pleasant and pleasant to interact with and do not ask for more help than is immediately necessary. Then care tasks are added without thinking about it between other daily obligations. As long as the parents have no problem with the son or daughter not being able to come by for a job until after work or with certain appointments having to be made for visits to the doctor or hospital, everything usually goes well, but be careful that the help will not take more and more time. At a certain point it can become too much.
Being an informal caregiver for coercive parents is not easy
However, there are parents who assume that they are entitled to their children’s time and do not want to take into account the needs of their partners, their family and their possible job. Then it gets difficult. Sometimes parents want their child to visit at fixed times during the week, for example immediately bringing the groceries and something tasty for coffee, but this is not always in line with their child’s obligations to his or her family and job. .
Being forced to make time at fixed times
Even if you are only expected to show up at the door every Sunday afternoon at noon and then stay for about three hours, this can become quite a burden in the long run. Especially if these parents also develop physical complaints at a certain point and require their child to be ready to help at any time.
Let the elderly function independently for as long as possible
The best way to stay healthy is to stay busy. This applies to everyone and especially to the elderly. As long as they can still do certain activities themselves, it is wise to let them do that themselves. Even if they take longer than you, or they do the job in parts, it is wise to let them work independently for as long as possible.
Rest rust
You probably see it in your environment: as soon as people go to a care home and no longer have to do almost anything themselves, they often deteriorate quickly. Six months later, they can no longer muster the energy for the most normal activities. Mobility deteriorates and the ease of leaning on the children has become normal.
Activities in the garden are fine as long as it does not become too much
After all, it doesn’t matter if they take care of the garden in three days. There’s no rush. Working in the garden ensures good physical movements, in which almost all muscles can participate. Things will change if this changes due to an operation, a heart attack or a brain haemorrhage. Then it stops and help is really needed.
A solution can be found in time
If help from an elderly person is increasingly requested more often and you also have a job in addition to your own family, it can simply become too much for you over time. This often happens very gradually and you do not even realize how much time you spend on informal care. Usually it only dawns on you when others bring it up. It is then high time to look for solutions.
Your own life with your children is often busy enough
Usually at that time your own children are entering puberty, dating, getting married and having babies of their own, which also causes extra pressure, extra care and, here and there, extra major problems for you and your partner. Therefore, in such a situation, do not wait to find solutions for your duty of care towards your parents.
Continue to live at home
Nowadays there are plenty of solutions for parents who are still clear-minded and express the wish to continue living at home. Cleaning help can be requested through home care, the elderly person can, if he/she wishes, be helped with washing, putting on stockings, being helped into bed, and so on. It is worthwhile to have someone from social work come and, together with your parent(s) and yourself, look for what could possibly be done to ease your caregiving burden.
Task lighting is a relief
This way you can just have a nice cup of coffee with your parents every now and then, without immediately feeling obliged to do all kinds of chores. You will enjoy visiting them more and you will have time to exchange what is on your mind.
The informal caregiver of a parent with dementia has an additional problem
However, an additional problem is dementia. An elderly person with dementia does not always realize this and can initially disguise his or her forgetfulness very well from those around him. However, someone with advancing dementia will eventually no longer be able to live alone and even if there is still a partner at home, this often becomes difficult. After all, that partner is also elderly and will eventually no longer be able to cope with the progressive dementia and all the problems that entails.
Suddenly the partner can’t handle it anymore
A parent with dementia who leaves the house at night is a problem for a partner of the same age who often also has difficulty walking. In the long term, a nursing home is inevitable, although that is a very painful decision for the demented parent, the partner and yourself.
Take care of your time, yourself and your costs
Make sure that you as an informal caregiver are not overloaded. Only take on the tasks that are really necessary. If one of your parents has been ill but has since recovered, reduce your care responsibilities again and continue at the old level. If your parents are really deteriorating and your task is becoming increasingly extensive, find solutions in time.
The costs also count
Watch your expenses and don’t let them become too high. Often an increasingly larger amount is associated with it without being noticed. You bring a small gift that the elderly person has asked for, or you drive with him or her to the hospital a few times. That doesn’t really have to be a problem, but if the demand is a bit high and more and more money is secretly involved, it is wise to talk about it. Especially if you do not have a large income and have to take care of your expenses at home.
Don’t wait until it’s too late
Don’t wait until you are ready for burnout and you have problems with your own partner, your children and your employer. Also talk to peers and find out how they arranged that care. There are often very simple solutions to problems that briefly seem insurmountable.
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- Informal care must not lead to a threat of burnout