We all know someone from the past or present who was/is being bullied or who we have bullied. But if it stays at one time, it is still manageable. Things will change if it continues and if you are still a child, it can shape you for life.
General
Fortunately, we pay more attention to it and notorious bullies are more likely to be spotted. But it is a thing of the past and so there will always be bullies. This also means that there is no harm in arming children against bullies, especially when it comes to children.
Trust and space
A basis for a child is complete trust (and therefore protection) and space. Confidence to create the optimal situation for the child, to be able to say everything. This of course always applies, but issues surrounding bullying are certainly not shared quickly. The space you can give the child is to talk openly about things, perhaps to give an imaginary situation as an example (if you suspect it) and to listen carefully and look (non-verbally) at a child’s signals. Children often report in veiled terms that something is wrong. It is not only parents who have to be alert to their child’s behavior, but also the environment (for example at school, in the neighborhood or with family).
How to act?
If you have reached the point where your child has indicated that he or she is being bullied, it is not only a matter of acceptance, but also a matter of action. A number of things are listed below that you may be able to do something with. But don’t hesitate if you can’t make it yourself. After all, it is about the child and not about the feeling of inability of parents/carers.
- Above all, do not encourage the child to act popular in order to get over the bullying behavior. The real bully continues and if you lose the popularity poll as a child, you also lose an important part of your self-esteem. There is a very good chance of indiscriminate behavior or even aggressive behavior.
- Let the child interact with other children as normally as possible. No exceptions, but simply what children of the relevant age are doing among themselves. This increases the chance that the child will feel stronger and provides a real possibility that the child will be able to defend himself better verbally.
- What you see relatively often, but certainly does not work, is when bullied children fade into the background. Making yourself as invisible as possible usually backfires. Because the chance of being seen as a “failure” is very much there. Children are tough on each other, and if they discover that you are consciously taking a back seat, the chance of more bullying will only increase.
- Also discuss the bullying behavior with the teacher. Teachers do not always have an overview of what is happening in the schoolyard, for example. It is not about whether this is right or wrong, what matters is that you inform the teacher and he or she takes responsibility and may be extra alert. The teacher should not protect the child, but should be alert to whether and, if so, when the bullies start working again, and then act towards the bullies.
- Give your child a protected environment at home. The frustration of bullying behavior should not sink in. If you give your child space to express anger or sadness and are only a listener yourself, you keep your base broad. A broad emotional basis then provides more resistance to bullying behavior.
Older and bullied
What is striking, but very justified, is the attention for older people who are bullied. Older people who often no longer have much social contact are bullied within their own community (think of the nursing home, for example). Bullying in the form of making fun of appearances or excluding someone from the group.
The community leadership has an active role in this, but also in identifying children or other people who come to visit. The shame is often great and prevents bullied older people from showing it off, here too the signaling function is essential. Addressing older people about this from within the family circle or acquaintance (of the bullied person) is not advisable. An active role from management, who also informs and calls out the bully’s environment (so possibly family), usually works better. Being consistent in addressing is important, but it can sometimes come second. Due to busy other work (or understaffing), but also the idea that it will be over after a report or warning, such a problem is often pushed to the back. Unjustified, because bullying behavior can also persist for a long time among older people.
Finally
If you think about it carefully, bullying behavior says more about the bully than about the person being bullied. But that doesn’t eliminate the problem. In addition to solving the problem for the bully, it is also good to pay attention to the bully. What drives someone and what is his/her problem? This can be very confrontational, which means that not everyone is suitable for this. Calling in a professional can then offer a solution.