How can you consciously build a bond with your child and how do you restore the relationship between parent and child? In this article you will find more information about (reb)bonding and practical tips to strengthen or restore the bond with your child. last update: April 26, 2010
Relationship between parent and child
There is a strong bond between parent and child: a parent feels his child very well and a child trusts his parents and loves his parents unconditionally. This is one of the strengths of the human species: thanks to a strong bond between parent and child, we ensure the survival of our species. Our children know that we will not abandon them and we know what our children need. By taking good care of our children, we take care of the human species. After all, there is a good chance that our children will have happy children because we shape the image of parenthood for our child. If we are good parents, our children will be good parents too.
Unfortunately, sometimes things go wrong. Due to circumstances it may happen that no bond is formed with the parents or that the existing bond is damaged. The parent then has no idea what their child needs, which leads to frustration and in some cases to neglect or child abuse. The child no longer trusts his parent and begins to doubt the love of his parents. This makes him less obedient and in some cases becomes unruly. He then gets the feeling that he has to win his parents’ love (and that his parents also have to prove their love). This can happen at any age, but during vulnerable phases when the child’s worldview changes, the relationship between parent and child is more likely to deteriorate.
Bonding
In ideal circumstances, the bond between parent and child develops spontaneously. Neither the parent nor the child should make any effort. The bond is just there. Unfortunately, we do not live in ideal circumstances. Therefore, we must put more effort than our ,primitive, ancestors did to create a bond between us and our children.
There is no handbook on how to build a bond with your child, but there are some guidelines you can follow. It is important that you only follow the guidelines that you as a parent feel comfortable with and to which your child responds well. Every parent is unique and every child is unique, which makes the relationship between parent and child also unique. This means that only the parties involved (parent and child themselves) can judge what is right and what is not. As long as both parties are open to each other and sincerely want to build a bond with each other and do not harm each other, a lot is possible.
Below are some guidelines for mothers:
- Make sure that contact is not broken after birth. You have carried your child for 9 months and already have a unique bond. You can strengthen this by maintaining as much (physical) contact as possible after birth. Hold your child close to you often.
- Breastfeed as long as you can. If you cannot breastfeed, make sure you feed yourself often. This is an important moment for mother and child.
- Take regular naps together. Even if your children are older, you can take a moment of rest together. Resting together gives a feeling of togetherness and strengthens the bond.
- Play together (fifteen minutes every day works wonders) or do an activity that your child likes.
- Laugh together.
Below are some guidelines for fathers:
- Do not view caring for your child as a mother’s job, but as an opportunity to spend some time together with your child. Caring for your child is an intimate moment where, in addition to care, you also give love (through touch).
- Take a nap together every now and then.
- Play together or do an activity that your child enjoys.
- Laugh together.
- Provide ,daddy time, every now and then: without mommy every now and then, the child learns that daddy can also take care of him and that he can also trust daddy.
Rebonding
Due to circumstances, your bond may become diluted. You often notice this at times when the child’s worldview changes. This is often the first time between toddler and preschool age. Your child then comes into intensive contact with other people for the first time (daycare and school) and his worldview is influenced by other people. Parents also often notice that their child behaves differently than they are used to, which can lead to tension. The child also becomes alienated from his parents during the teenage years.
To strengthen the bond with your child, you can apply the tips for bonding. In addition, it is advisable to get to know each other again as a family. This can be done, for example, during a weekend away (so that you can forget your daily worries for a while) or during a pleasant evening together at home. By talking to each other and sharing fun experiences, you discover surprising sides to each other’s character and get to know each other again. Doing fun activities together strengthens the bond. It is important not to force your child and not to force yourself either. Take the time to get to know each other (again). Also regularly reflect on who your child is now and talk to your child at his/her level (see Communicating at your child’s level).
Finally
Parents are not friends: you can build a strong bond with your child without being his best friend. Only when your child is an adult can you build a (semi) equal relationship. As long as your child is small, he needs your care, advice, guidance and protection. my view on