Divorce or the loss of a partner is a major event. If you have children, you not only have to process your own loss, but also be there for your children and their grief. Yet for many people there comes a time when they are ready for a new relationship. If you meet a partner with whom you dare to build a new life, realize that you are partly taking your ,previous life, with you into the new relationship. Mutual children are part of your new life. You are a blended family. This can be a success, but also a big drama.
A separation
A divorce is a major event in your life. Whether you make the decision yourself, come to the conclusion together that it is no longer possible or whether your partner makes the decision, it has a huge impact on your life. If children are involved, the impact is even greater.
Loss of your partner
If you lose your partner due to illness or an accident, the farewell is final. Even then, the impact is enormous and it takes time to address this. If you have children, you get a lot of strength from them. The downside of this is that your children also feel a lot of sadness about the loss of their father or mother. You would like to spare your children that sadness.
Family situation
If you are ready for a new relationship after a divorce or the loss of your partner, it will depend on many factors whether the relationship has a chance of success. An important point is not to start a new relationship too soon after that traumatic event. If you do meet someone you think you want to share your life with, don’t introduce your new partner to the children too quickly. They need time to process the loss. When the time has come to introduce your partner to the children, the success of the relationship depends on many things.
What is very important is your family situation . If you and your new love do not have children, then nothing stands in the way of a new relationship. If you do have children, but they live with your ex-partner, then a good relationship between your new partner and your children is important. Your children should always feel welcome with you. If your new partner also has children and they may come to live with you, keep in mind that it takes time to build a bond of trust. It is very important that there is a click between you and the children of your new partner, but you cannot force this.
If your own children come to live with you, the same applies. If it doesn’t click right away, give it some time. Give the children the feeling that they are at home and not like a guest in their own home. You can also choose to look for another home, so that you can make a whole new start as a family with all the same rights and obligations.
If you have lost your partner due to illness or an accident, it is often even more difficult for children to accept another partner from their father or mother. Try to respect the children’s feelings. Don’t be too quick to decide to live in one house. Children see your new partner as an intruder who wants to take the place of their father or mother. Depending on the age of the children, you can make it clear to the children that the new partner will never take the place of their father or mother. Make sure that you do not immediately remove the photos of the deceased partner, as this will feel like a betrayal of the deceased parent to the children.
Children
Whether there is a click with mutual children depends on many factors. The age of the children plays a major role. Younger children are a bit easier to shape and knead. If they feel safe with the new partner, a strong bond can be created. It is much more difficult to build a bond with older children. When they are in puberty, they are already reacting against their biological parents. This is a healthy process. As a stepparent, it is wise not to interfere with the child’s upbringing. This always backfires. Set clear boundaries and discuss this with your partner. Intervene if your children do not show respect for your new partner and expect your partner to do the same with his/her children.
Ex–partners
Ex-partners can have a lot of influence on your new relationship. If they do not support the relationship, they can make things very difficult for you. Instigating or keeping the children away, demanding higher alimony or comments about the new partner can put considerable pressure on the cooperation between the ex-partners regarding the children. Conversely, the stepparent may see the ex-partner as an enemy who is trying to thwart their happiness.
In the interests of the children, it is wise to try to work well together as parents and stepparents:
- As a stepparent, try to see the other person as a parent, not as an ex-partner
- Try to empathize with the other parent’s feelings
- If communication is difficult, agree to contact via email
- As partners, agree how to deal with the other parent
- If things are bothering you, talk to a friend to vent
- Continue to focus on working together in the interests of the children
- Leave the raising to the parents
- As a parent, try to see the stepparent as someone who wants the best for your children
- Clearly indicate to your ex-partner what you consider important in the upbringing of your children
- Try to keep communication good
- Do not denigrate the stepparent towards the children
- Encourage the children to visit the other parent regularly
- No matter how angry you are with your ex-partner, try not to fight it out on the backs of the children
Finally
Don’t have too high expectations. Forming a blended family requires perseverance, patience and a lot of understanding. As a stepparent, initially act with restraint and leave the responsibility of raising children to the parent(s). Make it clear to children that as a stepparent you do not want to take the place of the other parent. Each child has only one father and one mother. If you have different views on parenting than your new partner, talk about this with your partner. Don’t be tempted to fight this out in front of the children. Especially in a blended family, you have to work on a strong relationship that can withstand a blow. Form a team!