Irritations are often part of social life. That’s life. But you can prevent them from turning into heated arguments. Even if you are not aware of any harm, apparently things are not going as smoothly as you would like and those around you think differently about it than you do. Because there are other interests at play, for example. What can you do to neutralize this unpleasant situation and rectify the disturbed relationship? Even if diplomacy is not your strong suit. Discuss the situation. Accept disagreements and find a solution.
Irritations
Suppose a friend irritates you. You don’t want to ruin the good relationship, the atmosphere in the group, so you keep your mouth shut. Apart from that, you don’t know how to handle it. Diplomacy is simply not your strong point. Unfortunately, irritations always find a way out and you react snidely to very ordinary comments that normally do not cause annoyance. You draw attention to yourself and others wonder why you are so stimulated.
Prevent arguments
How hard is it to criticize friends? You are pulled back and forth by loyalty on the one hand and openness, sincerity, objectivity on the other. Do you have to turn a blind eye to everything your friends do to you or others? Out of (too much) compassion, out of fear of losing face or out of fear of an argument, which could cause you to lose the friendship? Should you then ignore your own feelings and, even worse: ignore or minimize those of other victims? Don’t let it get to that point; try to avoid arguments. If you don’t do this, the situation can go from bad to worse.
Criticism
Suppose you teach a few women. It is a cozy, informal place. For them, the lessons are mainly a pleasant leisure activity from which they also learn something; certainly not an obligation! Nevertheless, one of them, your girlfriend of all people, comments on your teaching style from the start; you should do it thus and thus. Initially you don’t take it too seriously; you have the teaching license, not them. Moreover, and not unimportant: the others do not express any criticism. So you continue on your way. Until one not so good day, the others suddenly protest that the lessons are becoming increasingly difficult and too ambitious. Of course you are shocked and conclude; okay, time for another method.
Uncomfortable
Unfortunately, no matter what you do, your critic always pulls another point of criticism out of the hat, and she always throws it, kindly, at your feet in the group. However, she herself is not exactly an exemplary student; her high standards apparently do not apply to herself. This tastes like hypocrisy, and it gradually makes you feel more and more uncomfortable. What’s going on here and what can you do about it?
Four ways you can perceive a negative message
- You blame yourself
- you put the blame on someone else,
- you become aware of your own feelings and needs,
- you become aware of the other person’s feelings and needs.
Ad 1 You changed your teaching method.Ad 2 ‘Why didn’t you do your homework?’ She does not pick up on this.Ad 3 You feel irritated by her know-it-all behavior, and you feel the need to be taken seriously as a teacher.
Ad 4 Her possible feelings and needs:
- She wants to learn the language, but thinks she knows better than you how to teach it. However, because she does not master the language, she does not feel what is good and what is not.
- She doesn’t like reading and prefers to only do the homework that appeals to her; however, she is not your only student and you have your own way of teaching.
- She wants to build up the largest possible vocabulary in as little time as possible, with minimal effort; However, learning a language takes time and effort.
- She wants to come to class when it suits her and only pay for those classes.
- …
Complex
From the above it becomes clear that there are several possible reasons for her behavior, based on what she does/does and says. There may be other reasons that she does not express, which may be completely unrelated to the lessons or to you as a teacher (for example: she is not feeling well). Finally, it is still possible that the problem lies with you, for example because you have taken comments too seriously or too personally.
Bott it up
It is best to address outright criticism immediately and not bottle up your hurt feelings! Unspoken criticism and your sensitivities are more dangerous! Be careful not to assume reasons; you couldn’t be more wrong! If the pain is elsewhere, there is little chance that the other person will admit it outright. Either way, since the situation won’t resolve itself, action is required to avoid becoming upset.
Hurt
The other person’s unruliness can be caused by the fact that he does not want to face up to the responsibility for his feelings and tries to pass them off. On the other hand, it is possible that he quickly expresses negative , but also positive feelings. It may be that you are the one who is easily hurt and does not dare to express this. Fear (to clarify the situation), as we know, is a bad counselor. Don’t assume what can go wrong , but assume how things can be improved .
Discuss
To find out exactly what is going on, you have to confront the other person – in private – with his behavior. Maybe you’ll open his eyes, or maybe your eyes will open! In any case, you will hear the other side of the story. It can be just that little push to get the other person to make a decision. Or it turns out that you have interpreted the situation very wrongly. It is then a matter of accepting the situation or looking for a solution (elsewhere). However confrontational it may be, it will be good for all parties to clear the air. Even if opinions remain divided, they are at least outspoken and everyone can go their own way.