Aggression in parents: many parents sometimes feel powerless. Sometimes their child, from toddler to teenager, pushes them to the limit. The boiling point is reached and sometimes there is aggressive behavior towards the child. There is often a feeling of guilt afterwards. How do you prevent aggressive behavior towards your child?
Being parents isn’t easy
No one has ever explained to you what it is to be a parent (father or mother). It should be the best thing that happened to you. You love your child unconditionally. And yet your child regularly manages to push you to the limit, causing the bomb to explode and you even exhibit aggressive behavior. Many children are quite shocked by this, and the child often does not understand why you as a parent behave this way. It is also logical that you feel guilty afterwards. You probably also feel shame and don’t dare to talk about it. Fortunately, you are not alone in this. Almost every parent knows the feeling of powerlessness. Why one parent shows aggressive behavior and the other does not often has to do with the parent themselves and not with the child.
Reasons for aggressive behavior
Many parents don’t know why they get upset or freak out so easily. This often has to do with their own upbringing: parents who were raised in the same way during their youth often do not know any better. Parents who were exposed to abuse in their own childhood are more likely to repeat this with their own child. Aggressive behavior within a family is often contagious: there is a good chance that other family members will adopt aggressive behavior. Depression, illness or addiction can also trigger aggressive behavior. In addition, factors such as poverty, stress and bad relationships play a major role.
What kind of behavior do we see?
Aggressive behavior often means physical abuse such as hitting, pushing, kicking and pinching. But aggressive behavior is also expressed by psychological aggression. Constantly attacking, belittling, blackmailing or scolding a child with words also falls under aggressive behavior. Throwing things, often the child’s things, with the aim of hurting the child is also aggressive behavior. Aggressive behavior is not the same as child abuse, but the two often coincide. Depriving a child of necessary care, neglecting it, not feeding it, withholding medical care or not giving it love does not constitute aggressive behavior but does constitute child abuse. With aggressive behavior we mainly want to impress and frighten the other person through words or actions.
Your toddler pushes you to your limits
Toddlers in particular are good at it: no is their safe word, crying or roaring is sacred. In addition, their vocabulary seems to consist mainly of ‘I want, I want’. Your toddler is certainly not alone in this: all toddlers have this phase. It’s part of their development. But this is a tough pill to swallow for the parents: their sweet little toddler suddenly turns into a little devil. Sometimes you even feel like you hate your child. And then the bomb can explode. After you have asked your toddler nicely but firmly for the umpteenth time to cooperate and your toddler just throws his toys, that’s it. You shout angrily or grab your child by the arm. Naturally, your toddler will be shocked by this and start crying. And then comes the regret. Because regret always comes after sin. Was it wrong to react that way? Yes, that was wrong, but an understandable mistake. Next time count to ten or put your toddler in the hallway or on a mat for a time-out.
Arguing with your teenager
Between the ages of six and eleven, things generally seem to go well between parents and children, with a few exceptions. But then comes puberty. Your child is looking for his own identity. Adolescents can be very thoughtless in this phase. The logic in their actions is sometimes hard to find. And they go to investigate. Parties, friends, drinking, smoking, relationships, some teenagers take this very far. On average, 10 percent of families experience serious problems with their teenager, with the teenagers exhibiting aggressive behavior. But parents also often show aggressive behavior in this phase because their child no longer does what they want. Sometimes desperate parents even say they hate their adolescent child. How parents deal with their teenager often depends on the way in which they have separated from their own parents. If this process has not gone well, there is a good chance that it will not be easy for their own children either. In these situations it is often best to teach the child to let go and ignore certain things. Don’t be guided by your own aggression. Count to ten, walk away, do something else and, above all, take up a hobby or a sport in which you can release your anger. Taking it out on your teenager at this moment often has an adverse effect. This phase will also pass. For most, that is.