National Dutch research shows that more than fifteen percent of women have had a negative sexual experience with a family member before the age of sixteen. Just over half of these victims were seriously abused: there were repeated (attempts at) rape, other drastic sexual acts were forced or there were different perpetrators.
What is sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse is sexual acts that are unwanted. That is, forcing someone to perform sexual and intimate acts or have someone witness them. The victim is often afraid of the perpetrator because he has the power to force the victim or out of fear that the perpetrator will no longer love the victim after a refusal. In the case of child sexual abuse, the perpetrator forces himself on a minor because he gets a kick out of knowing that he can exercise power. The perpetrators of these types of crimes usually suffer from psychosis and are sexually perverse.
Sexuality in unequal power relations causes the victim many problems. Only in recent decades has it become clear that the urges of adults do not match the experiences of children. Sexual violence is now seen as a widespread and multifaceted phenomenon that can have far-reaching consequences for the victims. That has not always been the case. The extent, manifestations and consequences of sexual abuse have long gone unrecognized. The prevailing view on sexual violence has changed dramatically in recent years.
Until the early 1980s, sexual abuse was largely invisible. It was not referred to as such. Forced sexual acts were dismissed as a violation of public order and an affront to morality. The sexual violence that took place within the home was generally ignored. Marital rape was not considered sexual abuse because it was believed that the sexual act was a wife’s marital duty.
Guilt
Victims of sexual abuse usually suffer from a feeling of shame. This often prevents them from talking about this. Many victims believe that the incident happened to them for a reason. That they deserved it. Guilt is a feeling that can slowly eat you away. It arises from self-protection or because others tell you to do so. The moment you realize that all the blame lies with the perpetrator and not with you, it gives you an unbearable feeling of powerlessness. That is even more difficult to deal with than the feeling that you are to blame. Blaming yourself won’t make you lose all the trust of those around you.
A child who has become a victim is completely dependent on his parents. Then the child has no choice but to blame himself. The perpetrator can also make the victim feel guilty. The perpetrator might say that the child asked for it or that they are lonely and needed it. Realize that it is not you who are to blame, but the perpetrator. He crossed the line and you are not responsible for that. You cannot blame yourself for having been able to stop the sexual abuse sooner.
There is something else that is important for children. If you were denied attention as a child except during the abuse, this could further fuel feelings of guilt. In this case, the abuse resulted in attention and attention is something a child needs. Father loves his little girl so much and she doesn’t want to hurt him. That causes enormous confusion, that tampering with trust. The perpetrator does not use trust as an educational goal but as a means for sexual abuse.
Breaking the silence
The importance of talking about sexual abuse has now been clearly proven. It may be difficult to confide in someone, but perhaps this is wise. If someone really wants to listen to you and you can tell your story to him or her, you are breaking some of the power that the perpetrator had over you. . Many perpetrators of sexual abuse urge the victim never to talk about it to anyone. It often happens that this takes the form of threats.
The victim’s silence gave the perpetrator power and isolated the victim. By breaking through that isolation, you take back some of the power over your own life. All too often the victim sends signals but it is not taken seriously. Yet it is important to send these signals, because talking and being heard is necessary for breaking through the abuse and for the coping process.
By talking about it, it also becomes clear to others why the victim has difficulty with intimacy, sex or other complaints that those around you were alerted to but did not know what to do with. Furthermore, talking a lot about the abuse can have the function of creating distance from the event. The pain is then felt less often. You get a grip on events, so to speak.
Help provided
Have you had an unpleasant experience with sexual abuse? Below you will find some support points where you can go with your story.
- Support Center for Violence. Here you will find addresses for help and to tell your story.
- The Kindertelefoon is an organization specifically set up for children. Children aged 8 to 18 can always go here for help. It is a toll-free telephone number. 0800-0432
- Child Protection is a judicial organization that stands up for the rights of children. On this website you can find the address of the nearest office in your area.