A divorce between partners has consequences for the entire family. When parents divorce, the children suffer with it. Even though the reasons and benefits of the divorce are clearly explained to them, the children always have difficulty with it. They usually love both parents and cannot change anything about a proposed divorce. Once their parents want a divorce, that’s what happens. The children can do little or nothing to change their parents’ minds, even if they really want to. In addition, they often feel guilty because they think that they have been too difficult, not nice enough and that the departing parent might prefer to continue without them. Besides that, a great sense of insecurity is present in almost all children of divorced parents.
A divorce is always frustrating, but it hits the children especially hard
It is precisely the fact that a child cannot change the parents’ intention to divorce that is frustrating. Especially because children sometimes think that the divorce is partly their own fault. Even though their parents tell them that it is not their behavior, they still have a bad feeling about it. This is understandable, because anyone who can empathize with a child’s situation quickly recognizes that the departure of a parent sends a negative signal for that child.
A grieving process follows a divorce
That parent not only leaves the partner, but also the child and goes to live somewhere else. The child may feel this as a kind of betrayal, especially if that parent moves in with another partner. In addition, the child also goes through a grieving process. It loses a parent who used to be in the house every day and occupied with the child. This grieving process is just as intense for the child as it is for the abandoned parent who still lives with the child. After all, he or she has his or her own intense sadness and sometimes anger towards the partner who has left.
Separation anxiety after going through a divorce
The child often tries to comfort the parent who stays, despite his own sadness. In addition, they usually feel somewhat guilty about the parent’s departure, even though that departure has been clearly explained in advance. The child tries to be as little of a burden as possible to the parent who stays with him, because he is subconsciously afraid that if things are difficult, he might also be abandoned by that parent. It has a kind of separation anxiety.
Loss of a parent due to illness or accident
Moreover, separation anxiety affects not only children of divorced parents, but also children who lose their father or mother too early due to an accident or illness. Their world is suddenly turned upside down and this also makes them insecure. After all, no one gives them the certainty that the other parent will be taken away due to illness or accident. However, these children do not feel guilty about this.
The loss of certainty
Children are dependent on their parents and if one of them no longer stays with them all week, it undermines the child’s security. Especially when the child is in puberty, the feeling of uncertainty is even stronger. During puberty, a child is already insecure. Insecure about life, the changing body, about the contacts in his/her environment and about his/her future.
Unhinged by the loss of security
Sometimes one sees that the child follows his own path and is no longer bothered by rules or comments from the one parent he lives with. Especially if a new partner for father or mother appears within a very short period of time, this can be the deciding factor for the child to take a different path. It then goes its own way, because apparently his parents do that too.
A feeling of loneliness after the divorce of the parents
The child’s sadness cannot always be understood by the remaining parent, who is trapped in their own often intense emotions. The child sometimes even has to deal with intense anger and reasonable or unreasonable accusations against the disappeared partner, as a result of which the child no longer dares to say that he loves the other parent and misses him very much. That feels like a betrayal of the parent who remains the child. The child gets the feeling that he can no longer go to either parent and feels lonely. Children often seek refuge outside the home with friends.
Hope for restoration of the old situation
Once the divorce has become a reality, many children continue to hope that their parents will reconcile and they will live together with their parents again. In most cases, however, this does not happen and the divorce remains a fact. That is of course disappointing for those children and there is a possibility that they will become very hostile towards the parent they live with. If you notice this, talk to them. Try to have a conversation during quiet moments about the current situation and what the child thinks about it.
Moving with the children
In addition to all the frustration of the divorce, sometimes you also have to look for another home. After all, if the parents have their own house, it must be sold in order to pay the departing parent. He needs that money to build his own life. In addition, in some cases the remaining parent cannot afford the money for a higher mortgage. Moving is then inevitable.
A move is very traumatic for a child
For a child, this sometimes means not only a move to a home that is generally smaller than the previous one, but if that home is located in a different part of town or in another city or village, also a different school and the loss of friends and girlfriends. That can have a major impact on the child. In addition, they have to miss a parent who can no longer be reached directly every day and if the entire environment also changes, this can be dramatic.
Empathy with the children involved
Anyone who makes the effort to put themselves in the shoes of their own children during a divorce and imagine what the divorce will mean for them would do well to take this into account. For example, partners can explain to their children together why they are divorcing and answer all their children’s questions about it during that first conversation. That is certainly not easy, especially if there has been a lot of arguing and disagreement between both partners beforehand.
The child needs the help of both parents
In the event of a divorce, a child needs the help of both parents. It wants to understand why the separation is necessary and wants to know whether it itself contributed to it. That is of course not the case, but both parents should be able to explain that. The best interests of their children should always come first. After all, children cannot take care of themselves and need the help of both parents until they reach adulthood.
Make good arrangements together for after the divorce
Anyone who is getting divorced and has children should therefore try to make good arrangements before the actual divorce to minimize the emotional damage to the children. For example, it is nice if the departing parent does not live too far away, so that the children also see him or her regularly. Also try to let the children stay in their own environment, with their own familiar school, their own friends.
Make sure that the children cannot play you against each other
In addition, it must be prevented that the children are given the opportunity to play the divorced parents against each other. Good agreements must therefore be made about rules regarding pocket money, presents, sleeping times, etc., so that the children can live with both parents under the same conditions as much as possible. Do not make negative comments about the divorced partner and do not let the children do so either.
Continue to discuss the children with the divorced partner
If you disagree with your divorced partner about something, talk to him or her about it calmly and try to find a solution together. This is not easy, but it is necessary in the interests of the children.
Put your own emotions aside during a divorce for the sake of the children
Making such agreements is certainly not easy for partners who are going through a divorce, but over time, when the negative feelings towards each other are a little less dominant, things often get better. Parents who are mature enough to put their own interests aside to take care of the interests of their children will benefit from this later. Their children will suffer emotionally from the divorce, but much less than when parents accuse and criticize each other towards their children.