Assertiveness is about interacting with other people in social situations. Assertive behavior is about daring and being able to give your own opinion and points of view without this being accompanied by aggressiveness. People who are introverted or shy generally have more difficulty with this.
Assertiveness versus subassertiveness
Some people have less difficulty with social contacts than others. One is therefore more assertive than the other. But what exactly does assertiveness mean? This can be easily understood by seeing what it is not. Someone who is not assertive is subassertive. And subassertive people are those who try to avoid conflict situations as much as possible and are easily silenced by others.
Subassertive behavior is more common in shy and introverted people. These people have a lot of difficulty exhibiting assertive behavior. Examples of assertive behavior are expressing criticism, being able to speak for yourself, daring to express emotions, formulating one’s own wishes, but also expressing and giving compliments.
Communication with assertive behavior goes in the order of LISA:
- Listen
- Interpret
- To summarize
- Answers
Assertive people will not be easily bossed around and have no difficulty interrupting conversations or saying what he or she is thinking when the time comes. They will not be constantly careful not to get in the way of others, although that does not mean that they do not pay attention to the thoughts and feelings of others. In the latter case it would be about aggressiveness: only looking at your own interests.
Examples of subassertive behavior:
- Keep quiet
- Saying sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong
- Not daring to say no
- Give in quickly
- Don’t dare to criticize
- Difficulty receiving compliments
- Avoiding confrontation
Levels of assertiveness
- Level 0: Little assertive (difficulty with boundaries, difficulty giving and receiving feedback)
- Level 1: Reactive or basic assertiveness (only your own opinion when asked, you sometimes dare to say no)
- Level 2: Proactive assertiveness (spontaneously stating one’s own positions, direct confrontation is entered into)
- Level 3: Being able to remain assertive in emotional/critical situations (accepting criticism, discussing disagreements)
Shyness
Shyness can be seen as inhibition in contact with others. It is mainly about ,not daring,, which means that great difficulty is associated with seeking confrontation. A shy person tends to withdraw quickly in social situations.
People who are shy do not necessarily have no need for social contacts. Often they want to, but they don’t dare. Shyness is also often experienced as a nuisance and leads to shyness and withdrawal from social contacts.
However, it does not necessarily have to be negative. In some cultures, ,looking out for something, and keeping your distance is highly valued and over-assertiveness will be viewed negatively. However, in Western countries, shy people are often not viewed very positively. It can lead to bullying or teasing behavior and in extreme forms you are quickly labeled ,antisocial, or ,disordered,.
Shyness can vary across different situations. A person may be shy at work or with classmates, but not be able to keep quiet at home. Someone can remain quiet and in the background in a large group , but can talk with ease in a one-on-one conversation. Shyness is often accompanied by blushing, which is an expression of it.
Introversion
Introversion is not the same as shyness, because they do not necessarily have problems in social contact. It is not that they do not dare to confront, but rather that they do not want to. In particular, it takes them more effort and energy to engage in social situations. This is in contrast to an extrovert person, who is more outward-oriented and has a greater need for people, activities and things.
Introverts are more inward-oriented and focus more on their own thoughts and feelings. They prefer to be on their own, although they have no problems with social skills. They are also the people who at times, especially after a busy day with many people (e.g. a birthday), need to retreat for a while to recover themselves.
Extroverts often seem to be happier and have more self-confidence than introverts, but this could also be associated with the Western world, where it is more accepted to be an extrovert. Introversion is considered less desirable. But just like shyness, it does not necessarily have to be a bad trait: introverts appear to be more successful in academic professions and they exhibit less delinquent behavior.
training
Low assertiveness occurs in both shyness and introversion. However, this assertiveness can be trained. This way someone can go from level 0 to level 1 and thus develop further.
The first step is often taken small by responding assertively to a stranger, such as in a store (e.g. returning something). The second step involves actively entering into confrontation by checking for equality in a conversation (e.g. by paying attention to your attitude and making it clear what you want and what irritates you). The third step is to discuss conflicts and to deal with difficult people in an effective way (e.g. receiving and giving feedback).
Important competencies
- Listen
- Empathize
- Empathy
- Conflict management
- Stress management
- Self confidence