Conflicts: everyone has them sometimes. The style of dealing with conflicts – also called conflict coping or conflict management – can have a major influence on the outcome of a conflict. Conflicts are not about the content or issue alone, but also about the relationship with the other person. There are different coping strategies: struggle, adapt, avoid, cooperate and negotiate. Whatever strategy you use for dealing with conflict, there are pros and cons to each style.
Conflicts
Every person has disagreements, arguments or conflicts at some point in their lives. This can be about anything: important principles, idealistic beliefs, small trivial things, division of labor in the household (a very well-known one). In short: conflicts can arise about anything and everything. Difference of opinion is a normal phenomenon. But we differ quite a bit in the way we deal with it. In principle, differences of opinion do not have to lead to arguments or conflicts. However, in practice this often does happen. This is probably also because most people have not learned to deal with arguments well and also because there is usually more to a conflict than just the content or the issue itself. A conflict generally arises because people stop listening to each other when they have a difference of opinion. Sometimes the content of the disagreement itself is not that important, but not listening to each other, emotions or clashing personalities play a role. Conflicts can give rise to tension and stress. This is because conflicts are often emotionally charged and can be accompanied by anger, rage, fear, disappointment, shame, guilt or feelings of regret or remorse.
Conflicts seen differently
Conflicts occur everywhere and are often experienced as unpleasant, but do not necessarily or always have to be negative. A conflict can sometimes also lead to a positive outcome. For example, the solution to a long-standing problem that has festered for a very long time and has led to a lot of tension and stress. Although it may sound contradictory, it can also lead to a better or deeper bond between people.
An important factor here is the way you deal with conflicts . Likewise, it is good to realize that the person you are having a conflict with has a different style of dealing with conflict than you do. That different people can have different styles of dealing with conflict. There is no such thing as one good conflict management style. A certain style may work out well in one situation and not in another. It’s about using the right style in the right situation. In general, people are inclined to respond based on a fixed response pattern. Not realizing that a different approach or style could give a much better outcome or more positive result.
Conflicts: good sides
Although most people experience conflicts as unpleasant, they can still be good for something, for example:
- Getting to know your own boundaries (better): a conflict is a signal that a boundary has been crossed.
- Relief and release of tension: by expressing or expressing what was bothering you.
- The courage to speak your mind, to really express your opinion and what is bothering you. This often has the effect that the other person (the person with whom you are in conflict) is also forced to show the back of his/her tongue. This allows you to get to know someone better. It can also make the bond or relationship with someone stronger or deeper.
- A conflict can bring about renewal in a relationship. You reflect on your own interests and your principles again, and the other person does the same. (This can also mean that the balance tips in the direction of putting an end to the relationship, if the contradictions or conflict points are unresolvable)
Dealing with conflict: coping or handling
Dealing with conflicts is also referred to in the literature by the terms conflict coping and conflict management. Literature and various theories show that there are five ways in which you can deal with a conflict:
- Fighting (pushing)
- Adjust (go along)
- Avoid (avoid)
- Collaboration (solving)
- Negotiation (compromise)
The difference between these styles lies in how you deal with two elements of a conflict:
- the content or issue about which the conflict is about
- the relationship with the other
Fight
You fight when you find the content/issue of the conflict very important and the relationship with the other person less or unimportant. With this strategy you put your interests first and do everything you can to win. You tackle everything that can give you a position of power in the conflict, so that you can get your way: arguments, your position, sanctions, the other person’s weaknesses. You can fight to stand up for your rights, in the event of injustice, in emergency situations, on issues that are of great importance (only if you are sure that you are right). Or to protect yourself from people who would otherwise take advantage of you.
- Advantage: you have a good chance of being right, you fully adhere to your own interests.
- Disadvantage: competing is not a useful strategy if you want to work together later. You can damage the relationship with this. In addition, you can only actually do it if you are the one with the most power at his disposal. Fighting is – if it is a fixed pattern – often a strategy for people who are more aggressive (this is not the same as assertive!).
To adjust
You generally make adjustments if you consider the relationship more important than the issue or content of the conflict. When you adapt, you put your own interests aside. Adjusting can be a wise strategy when you realize you’re wrong or with someone you don’t know very well (e.g., if you’ve just started a new job).
- Advantage: you keep the peace and build social credit with it
- Disadvantage: sometimes adjustment can be less good or useful. You then let something upset you that you don’t support. Or you let others walk all over you. People who are not assertive often choose adjustment as a strategy.
To avoid
You generally avoid conflict if you don’t really consider either the issue or the relationship important. You choose not to respond and avoid the other person.
- Advantage: you don’t put any energy into it
- Disadvantage: avoidance is not a wise strategy if you still have to deal with the other person privately or business after the conflict. The conflict simply remains there and can flare up again at any other (often unexpected) time.
To collaborate
You collaborate if you find both the issue and the relationship important. Through collaboration you look for a solution that both parties support. Both parties let go of their own interests and look for common interests. We look for a solution together by listening carefully to each other and everyone’s views and underlying interests. Collaboration is a good strategy if the goal is learning or if you want to create a bond. However, this is only possible if the other person is also open to it. If the other party is busy competing, adapting, or avoiding, then this strategy won’t work.
- Advantage: you can learn a lot from it and it creates a bond
- Disadvantage: it takes a lot of time.
Negotiate
When negotiating, you focus on both the issue/content of the conflict and the relationship. Negotiating means sharing the difference. To reach a mutually acceptable solution, both parties make concessions. The difference with collaboration is that both parties stick to their own interests and objectives, but from there they take steps towards each other. Negotiation is a good strategy when both parties are equally powerful and the objectives are mutually exclusive. When there is time pressure or more complex problems, negotiation can be a good strategy. One sometimes falls back on negotiation when other strategies (e.g. competing or collaborating) do not work or have not succeeded.
- Advantage: it is faster than collaboration
- Disadvantage: you do not always arrive at an optimal solution, it is a compromise.
It is therefore not the case that one conflict coping style is always/in every situation necessarily the best or better than the other. So it also depends on the situation and relationship. It is good to realize that there are different styles and strategies.
Good to know:
- because you can look at your own fixed reaction pattern and possibly supplement it with a different strategy and
- to understand what the other person’s strategy is
read more
- Test conflicts – How do you deal with conflicts or disagreements