In general we can say that man is monogamous. In most cultures worldwide, a man or woman lives together with 1 partner. However, that does not mean that both partners are faithful to each other and to the relationship. Monogamy and being faithful in a relationship are two completely different things. What is monogamy? What do we actually mean by monogamy and being monogamous? An overview:
What is monogamy?
Monogamy (Greek: ‘monos’ = single, ‘gamos’ = marriage)
Originally monogamy means (literally) the following:
- The condition under which a person marries only once in a lifetime.
- The condition whereby a person is married to only one person at a time.
- The situation in which a person has a single sexual partner at a time.
Monogamy literally means having a spouse.
What do we mean by monogamy today?
Nowadays we understand monogamy as: entering into a relationship out of love for one person, your partner. Monogamy therefore says nothing about cheating or about how many sexual relationships a man and woman have outside their regular partner. Being faithful and monogamy are two very different things. In fact, you could argue that for adultery and cheating you need a monogamous relationship.
Monogamy and faithfulness
Although monogamy and being faithful to each other are two very different things, many assume that monogamy and being faithful have the same meaning. This, undoubtedly, causes a lot of ambiguity within a relationship. Partners’ expectations regarding their relationship may therefore differ.
Marriage and fidelity
If we look closely we see the word: marry the word: sit faithfully. When you get married you promise to be faithful to each other. Marriages are declining, cohabitations are increasing. When you live together you don’t promise each other anything.
Humans are not monogamous?
Influenced by, among other things, upbringing, culture, religious beliefs, genes and the need for love, affection and appreciation, one person will behave more monogamously within a relationship than another.
Charles Darwin
Charles Darwin indicated in 1879 in his: The origin of species that polygamy is one of the most important conditions for the favorable evolution of a species. Also of the human species. His conclusion is: Man is not monogamous by nature. In this case you should read: faithfulness. Man is not faithful by nature.
(Polygamy: Polygamy literally means having multiple spouses at the same time.)
Opponents
Opponents consider Darwin’s theory and conclusion to be downright nonsense. They argue that the many years of evolution cannot simply be set aside. Man should have learned to be monogamous (faithful). A matter of character, they say.
Scientific interpretation:
Monogamy is a product of intelligence and not instinct.
General interpretation:
You don’t believe in monogamy or you do; you CHOOSE it, consciously. Or not. The fact remains that people generally view monogamy as the highest good.
Nature and monogamy
Nature has developed a powerful means to ensure that humans are monogamous (read: faithful) for a (short) period: falling in love. The period of falling in love is an excellent opportunity to care for offspring.
Opinion of biologists
In the opinion of biologists (generally), serial monogamy is one of our most natural urges and instincts.
Serial monogamy
You are in love, you enter into a relationship and you only have a strong emotional bond and sexual activities with your partner. After (on average) about four years, the infatuation and love you feel for your partner fades away. You cheat or you end the relationship and look for a new partner. Once you fall in love again, you get into a relationship again and the cycle repeats. Nowadays we see this serial monogamy occurring frequently.
Ending a relationship, breaking up, divorce. And then?
In the Netherlands, an average of around 110,000 couples, married or cohabiting, separate each year. Nearly 60,000 children (per year!) are involved in this (an enormous) tragedy. The negative social, social and financial consequences are enormous. Not only for the little one, but also for the parents.
Yet it seems we have no choice. Not many people have the idea of growing old with their current partner. As soon as the infatuation and love is over, we start looking for a new (sexual) partner and/or relationship. According to biologists (among others), this is one of our most natural urges and instincts: serial monogamy. We all want the same thing, without exception: to feel loved and appreciated. If we no longer find that within our current relationship, we will start looking (en masse).
read more
- Emotional infidelity
- Indications that the partner is cheating
- Motives for cheating