Causes of divorce are many. In addition to threshold-lowering factors and reasons that people give themselves, there are also real causes. These are fundamentally different. The reason why people prefer not to face the truth behind their divorce is because the cause is too painful. That is why people hide behind modern slogans that do not raise questions from the outside world. And sometimes people believe in it themselves. ‘We’re breaking up because the cake is gone.’ It actually sounds hilarious.
Divorce figures
Almost everyone gets married at least once in their life and promises ‘eternal loyalty’. Unfortunately, this romantic ideal image turns out to be a facade in many cases, because there has been a huge increase in the number of divorces in the Netherlands for years. As many as one in three marriages in our country are on the rocks and the divorce rate is now approaching forty percent (source: CBS). In the past decade, the number of divorces annually was between 31,000 and 35,000, which corresponds to a hundred divorces per day. The average age of divorce is 41 years, and in four out of five cases the woman ends up divorced. However, after the divorce there is no peace in the tent, nor are there any structural solutions. As many as two-thirds of divorced people will have to deal with serious relationship problems again in their next relationship or marriage.
Actual causes for divorce have to do with factors such as demographics, role models, divorce laws, economic dependence, social pressure and mixed marriages:
Demographic causes
On average, divorces only occur after a certain number of years, which is on average between ten and fifteen years. If we combine this with the baby boom of the late 1950s and early 1960s, the large increase in the number of divorces in recent years is not surprising. After all, the more marriages are concluded, the more divorces there will be in an absolute sense. Marriages concluded in the 1980s and 1990s are currently in the danger zone, according to statistics.
Striving for a perfect match
In recent decades, people have become increasingly demanding regarding their relationship(s). Because the chance of a complete, perfect match is small, but partners continue to believe in this, the risk of divorce increases. People live with the idea that a better match awaits elsewhere , or that minor irritations mean that the match would be bad. People also do not talk enough about each other’s expectations before the marriage is concluded, they want to make less effort to make the marriage work or save it, and they tend to only stay if there is a ‘quick fix’. If the partner is not one hundred percent perfect, the initial disappointment is reinforced with each disagreement until there seems to be nothing left but to divorce.
Example function in environment
Divorces in the area lower the barriers to divorce yourself. The more family members, friends or colleagues are separated, the more this phenomenon occurs. Not because people want to imitate each other so much, but because their environment gives them the idea of divorce and they also see a solution in it for themselves. Thus, divorce is becoming something of an epidemic in certain circles. If divorce is something special in someone’s environment, then the person will be more inclined to save his or her marriage. Research by CBS also showed that the risk of divorce of children who have seen their parents divorce is more than twice as high as that of children without divorced parents. The younger the age of the child who had to experience this, the lower the threshold for the child later on.
Change in divorce law
The divorce procedure no longer takes as long as it used to. With the advent of flash separations, although abolished, and other methods to accelerate the separation, the threshold for separation is proportionately lower. If both partners can quickly agree on the arrangements, a divorce does not have to take long at all. In about six weeks you can be rid of your husband or wife for good… And the chance that both partners will indeed agree is only greater given the other reasons for divorce.
Childlessness
In the past, people almost automatically had children, but nowadays it is more common for couples to have few or no children. It has been found that children form a barrier to divorce. There are many practical, but also moral objections to pursuing a divorce when there are children. After all, children bond a couple forever, even if the parents are divorced. However, if there are no children in the marriage, the risk of divorce is increased. In that case, the interests of children do not have to be taken into account. Some divorces are related to the fact that the marriage was childless.
Women and economic dependence
In the past, women were more likely to stay at home, but nowadays women are increasingly working. This increases the chance that they will meet or fall in love with someone else. People soon start comparing things with their partners at home, which can result in a divorce. After all, women take the initiative for divorce in the majority of cases. They feel independent, both financially and socially, and are increasingly daring to take that step. Women also identify marital problems more quickly than men, and are less likely to be satisfied with the quality of their marriage than men.
Less social pressure
The social pressure to maintain a less good marriage has become less. Someone who has been divorced is no longer judged or frowned upon, so there is no longer any need to fear the stigma. The loss of social pressure occurs more often in cities than in rural areas, but more and more people live in cities. Divorce is increasingly an accepted phenomenon.
Increasing number of mixed marriages
Research has shown that mixed marriages, i.e. marriages between natives and immigrants, fail more often. This phenomenon causes divorce rates to rise, especially because mixed marriages are increasingly being entered into in a multicultural society. After all, the chance is increasing that people will find a partner who has a different culture. Practice increasingly shows that such a cultural difference can lead to insurmountable problems. A difference in religion can also lead to divorce.
Getting married too young
Teenage marriages have a high chance of ending in divorce. This is because both partners are not yet adults and often have to get married because they have a baby on the way, or they get married for super romantic reasons. No doubt the latter group is deeply in love, but they are by no means mentally prepared to deal with life’s less romantic challenges. If there is a baby on the way, things are even more complicated. The teenagers are forced to play ‘father and mother’ and it is clear that entire phases of life are skipped.
Causes for divorce that people tell themselves and those around them include descriptions such as ‘not being compatible’, ‘being tired of each other’, reduced feelings and a marriage according to the brother-sister concept:
Grow apart
‘We grew apart’ is number 1 when it comes to causes of divorce that people give themselves. By ‘growing apart’ people all mean something different. One complains about the daily grind and having nothing to say to each other, while the other thinks that their partner is away from home too often or notices that they have ended up in a completely different world. Sometimes there is no longer any time together and the spouses only meet briefly on the stairs or in the hallway. This is called ‘living past each other’. If you notice signs of ‘growing apart’, communicate before it’s too late. Because that is the key to getting ahead of this problem.
Not matching
You often hear ‘We are not compatible’, but in fact it is a lack of adjustment to the partner. If you are too similar to the other person, you will not be ‘adjusted’ enough, and you will have a good, but relatively boring marriage. Opposing people are challenged more. They see in others what they lack and complement each other. If one interprets it negatively, one says ‘clashing characters’. But the greater the differences, the more adaptability this requires. These are the marriages that – quite typically – need to be worked on. Those who are really not compatible will not last long with that person, let alone get married. And everyone knows people in their environment who they wouldn’t want to be married to for anything…
Looking out for each other
The danger of the routine is nowhere more apparent than with the statement ‘we are tired of each other’. What people mean is that the love and affection is gone, and they are disappointed about that. People sometimes enter marriage with enormous expectations, the partner must continue to meet all the conditions, completely losing sight of reality. Those who are tired of each other will find themselves looking at possible other partners. Because they are more exciting, more fun, more beautiful or unattainable. And what is unattainable is always attractive, unlike the partner at home who has already been conquered. Because there are no more challenges at home.
Don’t give in to yourself
A reason often mentioned by women is that they feel that they do not have enough time for themselves in marriage. The partner was dominant, demanded all the attention and never even gave a compliment. Not knowing who you are, what you want, where you are going, not having an opinion… these are ingrained habits. Equality in a marriage is always a condition for marital happiness. If one of them loses out in the ‘grab for power’, things can go well for a very long time. Until the day comes when she (or he) ‘chooses himself’, as it is often called. People no longer want to be dominated and lose themselves, but from now on they want to make their own decisions.
A marriage that means nothing
What does one mean by the statement ‘marriage meant nothing’? Anyone who expresses this is in any case dissatisfied because expectations have not been fulfilled. But there is much more to it. The statement is surprisingly often expressed by cheating men, who try to justify their outings with this attempt. If they subsequently divorce, the finger of blame is not pointed at themselves, but at their partner. ,It’s not my fault, because that whole marriage didn’t mean anything anymore anyway…,
Too many arguments
Arguments often start small. Annoyances, disagreements… there is nothing special about that. Things only go wrong when communication only takes place in an argumentative tone. Both are no longer able to see the essence of being together, they are so absorbed in patterns of arguing and annoyance. There is often an underlying problem that is not or not sufficiently pronounced. If this remains between both partners, you can be sure that conflicts will result. One wants to say something to the other, but cannot. Instead, small things are blown up into enormous things. Let’s unravel that again…
The cake is gone
The fact that the cake is gone is a funny reason to break up. Nowhere is the relational disposable society more emphatically evident than in those few words. It suggests that both partners have come a long way that has led to the position that love is over. That people no longer feel for each other, that the marriage is over. It also indicates that some kind of peace has been achieved. ‘It is no different’, or ‘we have done everything we can, but this is beyond our control’. In this way one shakes off responsibility for one’s own mistakes. If the cookie jar is empty and the cookie was good, why wouldn’t you get some extra?
No more feelings
‘No feelings’ is a variation on ‘the cake is gone’. Sometimes it is said that there are no more feelings, but that one still loves the other. This is an extremely strange view, because ‘loving each other’ is of course also a feeling. What is meant is that one no longer feels attracted to the partner, especially in a sexual sense. The ‘dead’ of feelings always has a deeper reason. For example, there are old issues that have never been addressed, or there are major disagreements that drive a wedge between both partners. ‘No more feeling’ is also a statement that is sometimes said on purpose. Not to be able to divorce, but to indicate that things must be different, as a ‘shock effect’.
Living like brother and sister
A well-known statement is that of the brother/sister story. People do not dare to mention sexual problems, let alone to the outside world, but safely translate it into: ‘we live as brother and sister’. This means that the passion has disappeared. That people no longer long for their partner, that they no longer excite each other, no longer feel like having sex, or complain about the partner who no longer has the desire, etc. A striking number of people have the strange idea that a marriage is a great love affair. and sex fest. That passion comes naturally, or should come. If one day that turns out not to be the case, there will be disappointment. People still love each other, but ‘not in that way anymore’. Character determines whether one accepts, compensates, ignores, or does not accept the lack of passion. In the latter case, a divorce is sometimes the result.
Underlying, real causes for divorce are surprisingly different. This usually concerns poor communication, money problems, problems with sex, illness, or different expectations for the future:
Bad communication
‘Examine what is said, not who speaks’
Almost all of the above-mentioned reasons for people to divorce can be traced back to poor communication. If communication is not good, it leads to loneliness in the marriage. You are married on paper, but you no longer ‘feel’ a bond. However, if talking always leads to constant disagreement, criticism and arguments, something is fundamentally wrong. The value of marriage is completely undermined if you feel like you are alone. Instead of communicating openly about sex, money, body issues, or anything else, some couples hint to each other about their concerns or don’t even say anything at all. But you won’t get there without understanding and support from the most important person in your life. In a successful marriage, both parties are able to communicate on any topic. Better to much than to less!
Financial problems
‘If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy’
Two spending patterns on one pillow, the devil is guaranteed to intervene. And especially if the financial scope is not that great. Getting into debt not only puts a lot of pressure on your wallet, but also on your marriage. You can avoid arguments about money by talking about spending habits in time. What comes in and what goes out? Because financial problems are a passion killer: All attention goes to ‘how do we keep our heads above water’. The attention for each other as people completely disappears, which is usually incorrectly translated into: ‘I’m missing something’. ‘The tension is gone’. ‘There is no more depth’, ‘There is no more passion’, and other statements that obscure the true nature of the problem. Many marriages are destroyed by money!
Cheating on me
‘The cruelest lies are often told in silence’
Cheating is still a taboo, although cheating is an important reason why divorce is filed. Research figures always say something different, but roughly speaking, one in three marriages involves cheating. This does not always come true, but where it is expressed or discovered, things often go hopelessly wrong. Women are particularly jealous of the emotional intimacy between their husband and another, men cannot shake the thought of physical intimacy between their wife and another. Result: A broken marriage due to an irreconcilable breach of trust. And that’s a shame, because often sexual attraction outside marriage has nothing to do with the marriage itself, but everything to do with, for example, a midlife crisis.
Physical or mental abuse
‘Abuse is the weapon of the vulgar’
Physical abuse is the infliction of injury or pain or other harm against another person’s body. Mental abuse can manifest itself by humiliating, frightening, or mentally tormenting the partner. Sexual abuse is another form that usually involves forcing the partner to have sex. There is an enormous taboo on all these practices. Abuse often starts small, but can quickly spread. Controlling the partner, snapping at them, becoming excessively angry over little things, making nasty jokes about the partner, locking the partner up, hitting them, threatening to kill them, etc. The result is resistance, mental closure, isolation, running away, etc. Physical or mental exploitation is a very valid reason for divorce, but it is being concealed. The shame is too great.
Addiction
‘All sins tend to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is damnation’
An addiction can ruin a marriage. Whether it concerns drug addiction, alcohol addiction , internet addiction, gaming addiction, gambling addiction, food addiction or sex addiction, these are just examples of behavioral patterns that are not compatible with a healthy marriage. Withdrawal does not always work because a relapse is possible, and it may also be that the addicted partner does not want to do anything about it at all. The partner who is not addicted feels neglected, abandoned or complains of lack of attention. And that is not unjustified, because everything in the life of the spouse revolves around the addiction. It is all too often a fact that good communication is not possible in such a case. Addiction is a serious problem that is often not mentioned by name, but is the main cause in many divorce cases.
Sexual problems
‘They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel’
Due to their embarrassing nature, sexual problems are now typically a cause that you will not easily hear about. Yet it leads to tension, sadness, gloom and communication problems. There are people who do not discuss their feelings about sexuality with their partner – and have never even done so – but they still suffer secretly. Even if it is discussed, things can go wrong. People don’t know any solutions and continue to worry. And problems in the field of sex are many: different ideas about sex, seeing sex as a routine, dreaming of someone else and therefore not being able to enjoy it, no longer feeling like having sex, no longer finding the partner attractive, physical problems with sex, ‘breaking up’ within the marriage coming out of the closet’, etc. Sex often does not play a huge role if everything goes well, but as soon as there are problems the marriage is in dire straits. Sometimes ultimately ending up with the lawyer.
Disease
‘As to diseases, make a habit of two things – to help, or at least, to do no harm’
Together in good and bad times, that’s the idea. But illness can change the future, sometimes so drastically that the entire life has to be rethought. It happens that people leave their sick spouse because they can no longer do many things. The role of the healthy partner can unintentionally change into that of ‘caregiver’, which makes the relationship emotionally much more unequal. Frustration, hopelessness and finally giving up courage all occur, but the shame is great. No one dares to admit that he or she no longer tolerated the situation and therefore left. People are afraid that divorce in such a case is synonymous with ‘abandoning your partner’, ‘selfishness’, etc. Illness is a sad, but sometimes necessary reason for divorce, which is subject to a huge taboo.
Different expectations for the future
‘A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife’
One person wants children and the other does not, then there is immediately a problem. If both parties stick to their guns, it sometimes happens that one of the partners wants to divorce in order to make his or her dream come true elsewhere. Problems can also arise about the number of children, child rearing and major plans such as housing, travel, career, and so on. The irony is that the different views existed long before the marriage, but both partners swept them under the carpet in the vain hope that once married, the other would change his or her view. Unfortunately, it turns out that the couple has to face the fact that even a butter letter changes nothing. You can avoid the problem by only choosing a partner who has the same expectations as you.
‘In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.’ ~Robert Anderson
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