Provoking is often interpreted as negative. You see it a lot in the journalistic field, for example, to get a response. Men and women who carefully prepare their ‘press moment’ usually do not produce any sensational statements. The better journalist provokes subtly and that sometimes tries to pry something loose and that can also work in other situations. Provoking therefore has more aspects and can also be used positively. How does that work?
What is provocation?
The dictionary literally explains it: Deliberately doing or saying something because you want to provoke a reaction. In fact it is nothing more or less, but it does feel like it carries a heavier load. As if provoking is a form of deception. The fact that provocation may lead to a statement or action that the person in question did not actually want to do is evident. This is often linked to something in the negative sphere, but can also be applied in a positive sense.
Use provocation positively
Unprepared provocation will not quickly have a positive effect, because it can unintentionally end in a major argument and you will miss your goal. We are all familiar with the situation where we have to hear from a friend for the umpteenth time that they think they are too fat (which may very well only be in the mind of the person in question). Were you able to bounce back several times and/or say that it wasn’t too bad? However, if you have done that several times and the boyfriend or girlfriend’s repeat button seems to be stuck, you could also try another tactic and that is provoking. Saying, even if you don’t think so, that he or she is actually a big fat guy seems rude. Yet such a reaction can pry something loose which, in this case, brings about the realization that is needed, for example, to put things into perspective or to see that things may not be as they think.
You can also use the harsh tone by turning the boyfriend or girlfriend’s repetitive negative slant into a positive one. State in a bold statement that your conversation partner’s apparent problem does not exist at all and state the benefits. Provocation is therefore being used by more and more professionals (therapists, coaches, mediators) and is suitable for matters up to and including medium level.
Use your senses
If you use a relatively harsh technique such as provoking, it is good to use your senses optimally and to receive signals. Think of giving someone an arm, putting a hand on their hand or applying a warm tone to your voice, prevents the message from becoming harsh and negative with which provocation is always associated. Your facial expressions are also important, because if you radiate warmth, it will probably come across slightly differently than presenting a harsh statement in a cold tone. If you can bring some humor into the whole thing, that might help too.
This does not alter the fact that you must remain in your role with regard to the provocative sentence you have just uttered. It is then about the reaction that this entails, because your expression is there to switch that switch in the head of your conversation partner or at least to act as an eye opener.
The conversation partner
The man or woman you want to challenge with your provocation can often be divided into one of the following roles:
- Complainant
- Injured person
- Procrastinator
- Saint
Complainant
The complainer is the man or woman who continuously expresses the negative. Often, getting attention is the most important thing for a man or woman.
Injured person
The injured party has a negative tinge about him or her and he or she always stands in the wrong line at the supermarket, never finds a place for the car, is always stuck in traffic jams and never finds a nice offer. More or less the doom-monger is more or less not happy with him or her.
Procrastinator
The procrastinator sees what the problem is, but doesn’t act. He or she always finds a reason not to have to or cannot act. Good talkers who are masters at coming up with reasons why they cannot take action.
Saint
The saint has the suffering of the world on his or her roof and that is not fair. There is no one who can take over or take over and it is above all very difficult. But hey, there’s no one else.
Finally
Apply this way of coaching or guiding if you can master it, see the big picture and respond appropriately to your conversation partner. Just trying it out can be counterproductive, so if you want to try something, you can also announce in advance that you are going to try a new technique. The chance that your conversation partner will then jump out of his/her skin is smaller.