In no marriage or relationship does everything always run smoothly. And the same can be said about the sexual side of it. Most people start out with many ideals and great enthusiasm, but inevitably, sooner or later, everyone is confronted with problems. That doesn’t have to be a disaster. Problems are there to be tackled. If we can bring ourselves to face them and learn from them, there is a good chance that a change for the better can be made and a solution will be found that will bring the energy back into the relationship.
Relationship, family, children
The family is a form of society that requires the necessary commitment from all members, can provide great satisfaction and can create a good bond. The security of the family can make life very pleasant, but one can also become a slave to it and lose too much energy to it. Today’s people view the family very differently in this regard and expect something completely different from it than their parents. And there are also people who prefer a different form of society or consciously remain single.
In a marriage or steady relationship, the arrival of children, apart from the joy it brings, means a clear restriction of the freedom of both partners. Having children changes a lot in roles, tasks and relationships within the family. Unlike the past, it is now considered very normal for both partners to contribute to the care and upbringing of the children. This theory is not put into practice everywhere. Often a lot still comes down to the woman.
The presence of children sometimes makes it difficult for parents to create privacy for themselves, which means that sex sometimes falls by the wayside or becomes less relaxed (if there is enough energy for sex). Few people like to be disturbed during sex. Many even find it better that their children do not see them sexually engaged. Whether that is indeed harmful or not, in any case it goes too far to suppress all expressions of affection towards each other in their presence. That will certainly not be healthy for their emotional and sexual development. One must dare to be selfish enough to not just be parents. This will require that people reserve time for themselves in the daily or weekly program. A fixed evening during the week to go out or a whole weekend at regular intervals without children can do a lot of good.
The partners would do well to support each other
Doing something fun together, away from the worries of everyday life: that could be a good boost for you and your partner. Because tension and fatigue are the enemies of lust and pleasure. Make a whole series of plans together for days like this. The fun starts with the anticipation.
The influence of the work
Work puts a lot of pressure on relationships because of the tensions that come with it, the energy it requires and the time it takes. Too tired, too busy or too tense to enjoy was once men’s explanation for a lack of sex drive. The same, of course, applies to women in that situation. Furthermore, all kinds of conflicts can arise in a relationship regarding the division of household tasks. Jealousy can arise about the partner’s financial contribution, his or her success, independent attitude or free life. It’s not hard for two people, career-oriented or not, to start living past each other and only meet each other in bed, exhausted. In such a case, there is not much choice other than setting new priorities and trying to find an interim solution.
Not only work, unemployment also causes relationship problems. Feelings of worthlessness, disappointment and dullness can depress the atmosphere in the home and also affect sexual self-confidence. Often the partners are no longer used to being in each other’s company for so long and they start to get on each other’s nerves. This hopeless situation in which many find themselves is also more difficult to improve. There is hardly much financial scope for going out or other activities.
Another
In addition to their relationship, many people have incidental sexual contact with another man or woman, or even a more or less serious relationship. This offers them the variety and extra personal attention that they seem to need. The tension of doing something that is not actually allowed often plays a role in this. Rarer are the relationships or marriages in which the partners have something more or less openly from time to time with a third party, without this leading to a rift. More often, one of the two puts the other in a pickle: choose or share. Feelings of jealousy, fear, insecurity or disgust play a major role in all of this. And the upbringing one has had also plays a role. Whether or not people will stay together under such circumstances varies from case to case. Much will depend on everyone’s personal boundaries, on the amount of trust they have ultimately managed to maintain in each other and on the confidence they have in the sustainability and success of relationships.
Are you having problems?
- If the relationship goes badly, sexuality will almost always suffer.
- Nagging, criticizing, criticizing and snapping at each other often indicate that something is not right in the relationship. Bickering over trifles sometimes becomes an excuse to get angry with each other; often there will be a deeper dissatisfaction behind it.
- Finding out what’s bothering your partner is never a waste of time.
- Do something about your relationship.
- Try to talk seriously to each other. That almost always helps.
- Think back to the things that made you fall in love with each other, admire each other, and enjoy each other.
- Realize that you have both changed and try to see new positive aspects in the other.
- No doubt there are things you both aspire to. List them out and rejoice.
- Find the right atmosphere to share thoughts and feelings and listen to each other’s dreams and disappointments.
- You don’t have to agree on everything or do everything together. You both have the right to your own life. Make room for this yourself, without discussion.
Does our relationship still have a chance of survival?
Of course, you have to decide for yourself whether your relationship is still worth it. But the following questions may help to sort out your thoughts.
- Do I still care about my partner?
- Do we have something to offer each other?
- Do I have anything left for my partner?
- Do we have common interests and a slice of life for ourselves?
- How would I feel if my partner left me?
- Is my partner my best friend?
- Do we respect each other, do we respect each other?
- Am I disappointed in our relationship?
- Can we do something about the sources of irritation?
- Have we grown together or apart?
- Would I feel better if we were apart?
- What do I feel when I look back on our life together?
- Should we stay together (for the time being) for the children?