Difficult teenagers can be a source of irritation. They have changing moods, they lie, they have a big mouth and they prefer to do nothing for a whole day. Fortunately, not all teenagers are like that, but what if you happen to have such a difficult one at home. How do you deal with these teenagers and how do you keep things livable at home?
Rules and boundaries
Teenagers are no longer little children, but they are not adults either. They need rules and boundaries. Allowing a teenager to grow up without rules and boundaries is a form of emotional neglect. This does not mean that you have to draw up all kinds of rules like a dictator, this only leads to rebellion. Then what. Sit around the table with your teenager(s) and discuss the house rules. Say what bothers you and ask how they see this and what they think is a good rule. They often end up being stricter on themselves than you would have been. Also think together with your teenager(s) what a good punishment would be for breaking the rules and then enforce this. As soon as you start to impose your own rules, your teen will lose respect for you. Of course he will try to get out of the punishment, but that is part of the game. Make sure you don’t impose too many rules. If your teen’s freedom is restricted on all sides, he will never follow your rules. It is also a good idea to let your child earn privileges by performing certain chores, such as an extra hour of internet compared to cooking a meal in the evening.
Arguments and discussions
Don’t get into a heated argument with your teen. It’s very tempting to get involved in the drama, but it’s wiser not to respond and tell your teen that you’re happy to continue the conversation at another time when he or she has calmed down. In practice, this often means counting to ten before you say something and trying not to take his words personally.
Many arguments follow the pattern of the drama triangle. The gamecocks each play a role in this. This can be the role of victim, the role of accuser and the role of rescuer. When you step into one of those roles, you do not discuss on an equal level and the argument continues. As a prosecutor and as a rescuer you misunderstand the victim and the victim misunderstands himself. As an adult you should rise above this, although that is easier said than done.
How do you avoid ending up in this drama triangle?
- If you notice that you are in the drama triangle, distance yourself and tell your teenager that you want to continue this conversation at a later time. Therefore, no longer respond to your child’s allegations, no matter how difficult this may be for you. It’s time for a timeout. Say that you understand his anger, but will not tolerate shouting and therefore want to continue the conversation at a quieter time.
- Always speak to your teen about his behavior and don’t take it out on the person. Do this as quickly as possible and don’t bottle it up until you are ready to burst. Don’t complain, but say what bothers you and discuss solutions together. Enforce your rules and don’t accept yes, but…
- Don’t take responsibility and don’t do things for your teen that he or she can do for themselves. Ultimately, your teenager is responsible for his own choices.
- Don’t let yourself be manipulated. Remember that the teenager gains from the drama triangle. When you allow yourself to be tempted to do this, you degrade yourself. Your teenager will despise you for this.
- Only provide advice when requested.
- No blame. For example, say: I would like you to listen to me. instead of you don’t listen to me. I like to have a tidy house, instead of you never clean up your mess. In any case, never and always avoid the words in conversation with your teenager.
Responsibility
Leave the responsibility where it belongs, otherwise your teenager will never grow up and will remain stuck in adolescent behavior. If your teen doesn’t clean his room, he will have to live in his own filth. You can then make it a condition that he leaves the door to his room closed at all times, so that you are confronted with it as little as possible. If he starts his work too late, he will have to work hard to complete it. Don’t help him, it is his own responsibility and if you want him to become independent, you should not take over.
Safety and appreciation
Try to ignore what goes wrong and irritating behavior as much as possible and compliment good behavior. Show understanding and provide support and sympathy. Be sparing with advice. Instead, ask how they would prefer to solve this themselves. Rules lead to resistance, but also give the teenager a feeling of security. That’s why rules are important for teenagers too.