It’s actually funny that not losing is so important to humans. Not everyone is equally competitive, but none of us like to lose. It makes us feel like losers. Nonsense actually, because they are very educational processes. Since we often don’t see it that way, let’s zoom in on the “losing”.
Losses and self-esteem
Clearly, if we lose, it does not do our self-esteem any good. Strange actually, because losing a game or match is nothing more or less than a snapshot. Losing that sprint is just that you are not the best at that moment. And of course losing the final during the Olympic Games is tough, because you work towards that for several years. But people also go crazy when you lose Monopoly or when your opponent makes that move during chess that makes you lose.
Many people start to feel inferior to the other party, so their self-esteem takes a hit. And if this happens more often, the result may be that you no longer feel equal as a human being.
Testosterone
We often think that testosterone is produced by real winners, but nothing could be further from the truth. When social status is at stake, testosterone levels also increase in the party lagging behind.
Which then also results in a good position to still win. Going into the rest of the match behind, for example, is not that bad at all.
The real winner…
That said, there are a lot of sore losers. To prevent your social status from slipping completely into the dumps, all sorts of things are often added to explain why you lost. So don’t look within yourself, but not really.
The real winner ensures that he/she looks at himself/herself (even if someone else is actually to blame), analyzes everything and moves on. Don’t blame, but take your loss and move on, no matter how sad a loss is for the real top athlete.
Learning to collect
But no matter how difficult the process can be, learning to accept is possible. And not wrong, because in life we all lose with some regularity. If not the lottery, then that nice new job, that potential partner that you really liked or that motorcycle license that you already thought you had in your pocket.
How can it be learned?
- Start experimenting in a safe environment. This could be a board game, but also a game of (table) tennis. As long as it’s with people you feel safe with.
- Set a goal that is also achievable. If your opponent is a top player and you are a beginner, the chance of you winning may be a little too small. You’re already starting off wrong.
- Pay attention to what it does to you when you see something going wrong and try to put it into perspective. Why is it so bad now? Is it realistic how you feel? Then explain it to yourself.
- If you actually lost, try to take a learning moment out of it. Is there anything you can do differently next time to avoid losing?
- See how you can put what you have just learned into practice. Be realistic and re-examine your goals.
- Focus on the future again and go for it completely.
Finally
This is not a matter of just doing it. It takes time and concentration and perhaps several redos to make it second nature. It is not a problem that your testosterone level rises in a situation, it can help you. But learn not to get stuck in it, learn your lesson and move on. Then you ultimately make it a lot easier for yourself.