It creeps in for most couples at some point and is experienced as negative, but rut is actually not that negative at all. Routine also has an element of recognition and a safe haven for many (how wonderful it can be to have one word enough if you want to say something). Yet quite a few couples break up when the relationship has become rut, because we want to be constantly refreshing. To avoid ruts, you have to be alert and willing to continuously work on your relationship. There are some things you can work on, but there is no point in forcing it.
Refreshing
In the past, routine was not immediately associated with a marriage that was simply going on as usual. Because that’s actually what we’re talking about. But we need more stimuli in the new era and that also applies to the relationship. If that is important to you, it is good to be alert and not let your relationship get stuck in that rut. There are some things you can pay attention to and in order not to do it too frenetically, you actually have to let it become second nature.
- If it has not yet happened, it is good to set goals together and make plans about this. And while for one person this may be specific holidays to distant places, for another couple it may be working towards a new dream home and for yet another it may be working towards ultimate freedom.
- There are routine jobs in every relationship, but you make it less routine by doing them together and if you are also able to convert these ,not-thinking moments, into putting these parts into perspective that they are part of your life, it becomes all a lot less heavy. Moreover, laughing together is always good.
- What can prevent rut is to do something new every now and then, and not at set times because that may lead to rut again at some point. Think separately about things you can do together and do them together. This way you avoid having to frantically think of something fun or doubting whether your partner will like it. If you both feel like it, choose such a moment and let it depend on the atmosphere. A day at the sea with sun is fine and above all very predictable, but why not go to the sea when it rains…
- Most people have now reached the point where lifelong learning is part of who they are. But it is not said that this has to come from a book or from a teacher for the group. Life experience is part of it, but also your partner who can teach you something. The conditions are that one person likes to convey it and the other enjoys learning something new. This can go back and forth every now and then.
- If you have agreed that your time and energy will always be invested in the relationship, then allow yourself to sometimes hang out on the couch together and do nothing for a while.
Routine in the relationship
But in addition to doing fun things together, which never hurts, a certain degree of routine in the relationship is not a bad thing. It also gives a sense of security that some moments in life are predictable. So if you describe some things in your life as boring, then there is nothing wrong with that. There is something mundane in every life, that is inherent to life. The trick is to see it all in proportion and to give the relationship a twist at the right moments, so that the routine is pleasantly varied by doing things that are different together or discovering new things.
To be happy
But a misconception is that you can only get your happiness from a relationship. You have to be happy with yourself first and foremost and your partner can add something to that, so that you become even happier. Don’t put pressure on your partner to make you happy if you aren’t already happy.
Finally
There is nothing wrong with routine, provided it is in proportion and does not upset anyone in the relationship. Being alert and, if necessary, taking action (together) can be important, but always do something natural and not forced to do fun things. That ultimately works against you.