One person will love it and the other will detest it… and everything in between. Arguments have always existed, after all, we have known wars for as long as there have been people. Wanting to impose something on each other (think of religion), disagreeing with each other, feeling deprived and so on. In fact, everyone can have a reason to argue, but not everyone does it. Then the question arises to what extent arguing is useful. Opinions vary.
What is it?
Arguing is a natural phenomenon and concerns an incurred conflict, disagreement about something and usually initially in a verbal situation. It can also be accompanied by physical violence. The opinions are different and may or may not be accompanied by different interests. However, every person interprets an argument differently and one person will see it as a lively and possibly amusing discussion and the other may simply feel downright threatened. You cannot complete this for the relevant people.
Making a fuss makes light of it
Arguments
Relief is a frequently heard aspect of arguing and arguing can indeed be very relieving. Tell your story and this is allowed with the necessary passion, as long as it is in clear language. Then also give the other party space to tell his/her story. If you want to think about a response, quietly pause, but don’t go around in circles. Continuing to argue arguments back and forth to convince the other person does not make any progress and is more likely to cause an argument to flare up.
Reproach
In addition to giving each other space, it is also important not to make accusations. Your arguments may be strengthened and indicating how you experience things (in a critical manner) is also fine, but blaming each other adds nothing. This only increases the chance that the other party will close the hatches. If you make it a kind of wish, you indicate how you feel about it, but you keep it close to yourself.
Curse
It almost goes without saying that swearing adds nothing and yet many people use it. Swearing usually comes from powerlessness. Not being able to find the words, trying to convince someone or disgust about a situation. Finding the peace to search for the right words can help. Count to ten, pause and try to express what you want to say in good Dutch. If desired, also take the other person’s opinion into account, but always try to make it clear through words. Swearing calls for swearing back or the other party completely closes itself off from you. In both cases it doesn’t solve anything and it doesn’t resolve anything either. If you are in danger of ending up in insults, take a time out and speak up. A time out can be an hour, but it can also be just a day. Don’t ignore it, but pick up the conversation where you left off. You may have been able to express what you want to say well in the meantime and thank the other party for the time out before you continue your discussion.
However, if your words are not sufficient, avoid it becoming physical. The door is usually really closed. In that case, seek professional help. A man or woman who can view the situation from a distance and help the parties make each other’s positions clear, possibly bring the parties closer together and/or work on a compromise.
What not to do?
A number of things have already been discussed and some aspects not yet mentioned have been combined in this list.
- Provide arguments and not accusations.
- Also listen to your conversation partner (leave space for this).
- Avoid shouting, swearing and physical violence altogether. If you can’t figure it out… take a time out. Agree on what the time out will look like.
- Don’t scream, cry or run away.
- Do not drink alcohol during an argument.
- Don’t feel too big when you see that you’ve made a mistake. Please indicate politely that you have made a mistake or have seen something wrong.
- Don’t include other aspects. Make sure you keep the focus on what the argument is about.
Finally
If it is not necessary, avoid a discussion that turns into an argument. One party may be able to adhere to the rules, but it does not mean that the other party can do the same. Always try to express discussions/disagreements in a polite manner. Remind yourself to stay calm. The chance that you will come out of it in a nice way is much greater.