Getting married is an important moment in Turkish culture. Before the real wedding party can start, there are a number of days in which preparations are made. Each area in Turkey has its own tradition, but usually the order of the actions is the same. On average, a Turkish wedding lasts three days. In this article you can read step by step how and what issues you will have to deal with when you marry a Turkish partner.
Arranged marriages and marriage proposals
Nowadays girls and boys choose who they want to marry. They have seen and spoken to each other beforehand. Sometimes (it still happens!) they have never seen each other and therefore do not know each other. Fortunately, the girls are now increasingly allowed to decide for themselves. In the Netherlands they almost always know each other before a marriage proposal takes place. Often it is the parents who ultimately have to agree.
Arranged or forced marriage .
In the past, it was very common for the future partner to be chosen by the parents. Fortunately, this (forced) marriage is becoming less and less common, but in Eastern Turkey (particularly in the countryside) it does occur occasionally. The woman is then married off against her will to someone from the family or to someone the parents (usually the father) think is a suitable candidate. The reasons can be: a better life (wealth) or when the parents think that something will happen to the girl because she looks mature (mature). Sometimes the marriage is forced, which often has to do with a violation of honor. Very occasionally it happens that someone marries a brother or sister of their partner, if the partner has died. The latter is a very old tradition that was originally common in the center and east of Turkey.
Marriage proposal
In Turkey, the marriage proposal is made by the man’s parents or family. In general, it is not appropriate for the man to visit his wife-to-be’s house alone. When they meet for the first time, the parents talk to each other. It is customary to bring a bouquet of flowers and/or chocolates. The girl must (as she should) hand out the coffee so that her future parents-in-law can see her dexterity and her beauty. There is pleasant chatting, eating and drinking. When both sides agree, agreements can immediately begin on how and what. Sometimes the girl’s parents want to think a little more and find out whether this will really be the right future partner. The background of the man, but also of the parents, are often investigated first. There has to be a click between the man and woman, but also between both parents. Sometimes there are several visits to the girl’s home, after which a real decision is made. The preference is often someone from the same region (in Turkey) and someone of the same faith. The same region and the same faith mean the same traditions. Nowadays the girl is also asked whether she agrees with it. If not, it won’t happen.
The dowry
The dowry is a dowry and plays an (even) more important role in a Turkish (Islamic) marriage. This mainly concerns money, gold or real estate. The amount of the dowry is determined by negotiations between the bride’s family and the groom’s family. The dowry is a wedding gift from the groom to the bride (not to her family). Previously, a very high amount was asked, which was even impossible for the groom (especially in areas of poverty). Nowadays people do it more easily, but it remains a tradition. Clear agreements must be made about this before the wedding starts.
Engagement
After the marriage has been agreed to by both parents, the engagement can begin. Days of shopping follow. The girl goes into town with her future partner, in the presence of family, to pick out clothes for the engagement day . Gold rings are selected at the jeweler.
The rings and the ribbon
On the engagement day, the woman and man are beautifully dressed. The rings are tied to a ribbon and then they can slide each other’s rings over each other’s fingers. Before the ribbon can be cut, it is customary for the imam (or another representative) to say a few good words. The scissors are placed on a decorated tray and then the ribbon is cut. This is usually done by an imam or someone else who is religious. Nowadays you increasingly see a brother or other relative of the girl cutting the ribbon. When the ribbon is broken, it means that the prospective partners are engaged. The guests receive a beautifully decorated bag of sweets as a souvenir.
Engagement party or not?
In rural areas and in poor families it is not really celebrated extensively. However, lokum (Turkish delight) is often offered with a cookie and lemonade. Sometimes it is celebrated with the drum and trumpet. There is then dancing, not to mention the important Turkish folk dance: halay. When the weather is nice, this is often done outside.
In the cities, the engagement is generally celebrated exuberantly. Sometimes a room is rented, but it can also be done at the girl’s home. During the engagement party, gifts are given to the future bride and groom.
The time between engagement and wedding generally lasts several months to a year.
Very occasionally, due to costs, the engagement and wedding take place at the same time. It is then one big party.
It is agreed well in advance how the wedding will take place. at home, in a hall or in the mosque?
The wedding cards are then printed and distributed.
Marrying before the Law and before the Imam
In Turkey it is obligatory to marry before the law and before the Imam. For a legally valid marriage, this must take place in the presence of two witnesses.
Getting married before the law.
For the wedding, the bride and groom must be at least 18 years old. The bride-to-be and groom come to the town hall and, after saying ,I do,, sign the wedding book. The witnesses also sign. Just like in the Netherlands. In Turkey, many guests, especially women, are often present at the civil wedding ceremony. Afterwards, the bridal couple are congratulated, as usual. The civil marriage ceremony takes place before the wedding. In Turkey it is customary to do it on the day of the wedding. In the Netherlands this is often done weeks or sometimes months in advance. Especially if the partner has to come from abroad. The marriage certificate is proof and makes it easier for them to apply for a residence permit.
Getting married for the Imam.
In Turkey, Muslims have an obligation to marry before the Imam. It is considered a commitment between the man and the woman. This religious marriage is not the same as a church wedding in the Netherlands. The difference is that the Imam often simply goes to the house of the bride or groom. It takes much shorter, about 10-15 minutes. In addition to the exchange of offer and acceptance and the determination of the bridal gift, sometimes the Koran is recited or a short prayer is said. Both bride and groom are asked three times to agree to the marriage. A marriage document is often drawn up, including the bridal gift. This contains the bride’s wish (usually money, gold or real estate), in case the groom later breaks off the marriage.
The Turkish wedding; 3 days of party!
A Turkish wedding generally lasts three days. In some areas in Turkey a little longer, but the order is the same. The wedding can take place in a large hall, at home or in the mosque. A Turkish bride dresses in a Western, white wedding dress, with a veil and (often) train.
Two assistants (in Turkish: Sağdıç)
Before the wedding, both the bride and the groom must have a person accompanying them. They usually choose a newly married couple and they are often family members or good acquaintances. The man walks with the groom and the woman with the bride. Everywhere they go, they go together. Going to the hairdresser together, shopping together, going to the photographer together, etc. The goal is actually to offer help to the future partners. For example, they explain what to do and when. They provide support and serve as protection, so to speak. They also serve as a kind of witnesses. They have a special reserved seat next to the bride and groom at the wedding. They are present throughout the wedding and all days beforehand until the wedding night. After that, they usually remain very good friends of the bride and groom.
DAY 1:
Viewing the bridal chest
The bridal chest is customary at a wedding. This is packed with embroidery, tablecloths, crocheted doilies, decorated towels, etc. The bride has often made this by hand. The bridal coffin is displayed at the bride’s home. The wedding guests can come and take a look. Part of the bridal box is given to the groom’s parents and relatives as a gift.
DAY 2:
Henna Party
The Henna party (in Turkish: Kina Gecesi) is always one day before the wedding. Henna is part of the Turkish wedding. Henna is the symbol for luck and protection. It is also an ancient tradition to show that the girl is becoming a ,woman,. The Henna Festival starts early in the evening and ends at night.
Henna (Lawsonia Inermis) is a small tree that grows in many warm countries. The leaves of the shrub are dried and ground into the green powder we are familiar with. Henna turns orange-red when applied to the skin. It bonds with the keratin in the skin. Henna is often used in Eastern countries for hair coloring and for the Henna Festival. Nowadays black henna exists and henna is also used more often in the Western world. Just think of the tattoos and body paint.
At the bride’s home
The Henna Party is often celebrated at the bride’s home among the women (a kind of bachelor’s night). The bride-to-be is beautifully made up, her hair styled and wearing a beautiful evening dress. In short, she often looks beautiful, because today is her last day before the wedding.
The Henna Festival is a real celebration among women. Lots of music, dancing, treats, etc. This is the bride’s last evening, when she will stay in her parental home. It is often an emotional time for the mother, but also for the bride. From tomorrow onwards, the bride should feel more at home with her husband and his family!
Halfway through the Henna Party, the groom’s mother, sisters, aunts, cousins and friends arrive at the bride’s door. They come to apply the Henna. It is then evening and the lights go out. The girls (usually friends of the bride) stand in a circle with a burning candle in their hands. The candles are often pressed into balls of henna (like clay).
They sing songs and surround the bride.
The bride has a red veil over her head. Then a family member of the groom applies the Henna to the hands (and often feet) of the bride. The Henna needs to work for a while and thus the hands and feet are covered with it. (often in red). The red veil is removed and the partying continues.
The bride’s friends and relatives usually stay with her throughout the evening to keep her company.
At the groom’s home.
Men gather at the groom’s home or sometimes also at the bride’s, but in a separate room. The groom receives a green veil over his head. Henna is also applied to the groom’s hand. The groom also celebrates a bit among his friends, cousins and other family members. There is dancing and eating while enjoying music. This is often at the groom’s home. There is an Imam present who wishes the bridal couple happiness, fertility and health by reciting the Quran.
In the Netherlands, a room is often rented to celebrate the Henna Festival, often only for women. Sometimes the men are there, but they usually sit separately. When the henna is applied, the bride and groom are often next to each other. After the henna is applied, they dance together.
DAY 3:
The Wedding
This is a busy tiring day for both the bride and groom. The wedding often starts in the evening and ends at night. Early in the afternoon the bride has to go to the hairdresser, where she will be beautifully decorated. Make-up, the bridal dress, crown, veil, etc. Sometimes the bride wants to appear with her head covered. The hairdresser then also ensures that the cloth is nicely wrapped around the head. The bridal couple usually goes to a photographer to have beautiful wedding photos taken.
The ribbon around the waist (Important!)
As a sign of her virginity, the bride’s father or brother will tie a red ribbon around her waist. This is done according to a ritual. With this duty they show that the girl enters the marriage ,virgin,. In Turkey and very important issue!
Decorated car
In the meantime, a car is decorated, in which the bride and groom are driven to the hall. In Turkey, a tour is also made with the decorated car after the wedding. You often see the initials of the bride and groom on the rear window of the car.
Turkish weddings often have many guests. Family, friends and acquaintances of the bride and groom are invited.
Wedding in a hall.
A (large) hall is rented because many people are invited, who often come with their entire families. It is often a crowded room full of adults, young people and small children. Usually much busier than expected. So a tip is to be there on time! A
separate table has been decorated for the bride and groom . A table is usually reserved for close family members close to the decorated table.
The parents of both the bride and groom welcome the guests and wait at the entrance. The bride and groom will arrive later. There is a music band that will provide music all evening. A space is left open in the middle where people can dance. Sometimes a drum and trumpet are also present as a tradition. That makes the wedding a bit more original.
An hour later, after the ceremony , the bride and groom arrive at the venue in the decorated car. At the entrance there are young girls and women forming an arch with their arms raised. The bride and groom must enter the hall through this arch. The lights are often dimmed and a romantic song plays to which the bride and groom do their first dance. Soon the room is completely filled with guests who feel like dancing.
Coffee, tea, soft drinks, nuts, snacks and sometimes a full meal are offered during the wedding. A cameraman and photographer ensure that everything is captured.
The wedding cake
The wedding cake (often 5-6 layers) is wheeled in to a thunderous music rhythm. The bride and groom are called to cut the cake. They can give each other a bite of the cake. Before the knife goes over the cake, it is often stopped by the room operator. ,the knife doesn’t cut!, is then called. This means that money is needed to get him sharp. Very strange, but that is a tradition in Turkey. Paper money is then stuck on the cake until the cook is satisfied with it. You have to be careful with this, because sometimes the amount can really add up. Then at some point action has to be taken. The money goes to the venue rental company. It is not done in the Netherlands, but it almost always occurs in halls in Turkey.
Wedding gifts
Towards the end of the wedding, the bride and groom are called back to the front of the stage. Now the gifts can be given. This is often in the form of money or gold. It is the turn of the immediate family of the bride and groom first, followed by the other guests. The bride receives a lot of gold jewelry as a gift. The necklaces and bracelets are put on and the small coin-shaped gold, just like the money, is pinned to the wedding dress. Exactly the same with the groom. All gifts are spoken into the microphone by someone so that everyone hears who gave what. It is also important for later (everything is recorded on film or paper) because in the future the future couple should not give back an inferior gift if one of the guests present gets married.
After the wedding, the bride says goodbye to her parents, family and friends. The bridal couple gets into the decorated car on the way to the groom’s house. Before they go home, many cars often drive behind the decorated car, honking their horns. In the Netherlands this is often not possible, because it is often late in the evening and it is disruptive to local residents. In Turkey it is very common.
Wedding in the countryside
In the countryside, the wedding is celebrated a little differently. The order remains the same, but because it is celebrated at home or outside (in the summer), there is often no wedding cake available. There is music to dance to, but the drum and trumpet are the most important instruments. People often don’t have the money to rent a room and celebrate exuberantly. Then it is simply celebrated in and around the house. Of course there are wedding gifts such as money and gold, they are just part of it.
Wedding in the mosque
The wedding in the mosque is very different from a normal wedding. Men and women sit separately. There is no music and no dancing. The Koran is recited and religious songs are sung. People with a strict Islamic upbringing use this more often. Nowadays, girls wearing a headscarf also want to get married in a hall; a normal wedding with music and dancing.
The wedding night
This is the first night the bride and groom spend together. After the wedding they meet in the same bed for the first time. This is a very exciting experience for both of them. Having sex with your married partner for the first time. The next day, in some regions of Turkey, the sheet is shown to a female relative of the man. The blood on the sheet is proof of the woman’s virginity. This proves that she was a virgin before she married.
Kissing hand.
Usually a week after the wedding night, the new couple visits the wife’s parents’ house. The husband’s parents have usually seen them before. They must kiss the hand of their parents as submissives. That’s a tradition in Turkey. By kissing the hand you show respect. Every time they meet each other’s in-laws, hands are kissed at the beginning. Some modern parents prefer not to have that every time, but there are families where this is very normal.
The last name
After marriage, as is customary in the Netherlands, you bear your husband’s surname. In the Netherlands, the dash represents your husband’s surname and your maiden name behind it. In Turkey, however, the maiden name is omitted. You carry your husband’s last name everywhere.
Blood test (new obligation in Turkey).
In Turkey it is (almost everywhere) mandatory to have a blood test done before the actual marriage. This is to prevent serious hereditary blood diseases, including Thalassemia and Sickle Cell Anemia. A statement will then be signed stating that you accept each other.
The Turkish Consulate
If you live in the Netherlands and want to marry a Turkish partner, you must marry under both Dutch law and Turkish law. The Dutch event takes place as usual in the town hall. If the partner lives in Turkey, you can choose to get married under Turkish law: either in Turkey or at the Turkish Consulate in the Netherlands. If the partner also lives in the Netherlands, it can be easier at the Turkish Consulate in the Netherlands. It is wise to know in advance which documents need to be submitted. For this, see the central government website.