To the question ,How are you?, the answer is almost never ,bad,. Why does it seem like people never dare to say that they are doing poorly? Is it fear, is the feeling of disinterest prevalent, and are these feelings justified? Is the answer ,right, just an easy way out? Perhaps even more important: how do you get someone to tell you what is bothering them?
The question is too general
The question ,How are you?, has become a habit. It’s a standard question, and it’s associated with politeness. When you ask someone how things are going, you want to come across as interested, social and involved. The questioners are rarely really interested and involved. The answer to this question is also very standard, and a habit. Everyone expects you to answer ,right., When you say ,bad, people are often shocked. The answer is very unexpected. When you tell someone that things are going badly, people often become distant.
Personal experience
Asking this question has become just as much of a habit as giving the standard answer. Giving the standard answer is easy and simple. You can then quickly change the subject and talk about fun things. Moreover, you prevent other people from interfering with you in an unwanted way. If you admit that things are going badly for you, you make yourself very vulnerable. First, you lose control over your emotions more easily. In most cases you don’t want that.
Reaction from bystanders
Second, other people’s reactions can have a negative impact on you. Therefore, it is sometimes a good trait to say that you are doing well, even when this is not the case. When you say that you are not doing well, people will often offer you comfort. Many people try to put your misery into perspective or denigrate it to ensure that you don’t get stuck in it. This is very bad for your recovery process: you get the feeling that you are acting out, which makes you feel even worse. You will be more likely to be treated as the ,soul paw,. You are considered weak and you are underestimated. People think that because of your situation you are less capable, can perform fewer tasks, etc. Reactions such as ,just leave her alone, she is having such a hard time, are bad for your self-confidence.
It is often very difficult for bystanders to understand someone else’s bad situation. This is because bystanders often have no idea how exactly the problem works, what your position is in that problem and what emotional consequences this has for you. This is also because everyone reacts differently to negative things in his or her environment. If you don’t get well again soon, people will get annoyed with you. This can even be the case with people you normally consider good friends. They make fun of your problems and act as if they are nothing. Are such people still friends? It may sound crazy, but sometimes it is wise to answer ,yes, to this question. This friend simply doesn’t understand your problem, and you can’t really blame him or her for this. Every person is different, every person reacts differently to situations. Your reaction to a certain situation is not understandable to people who have never been in that situation and to people who are bad at imagining other people’s emotions. Of course, this is no excuse to justify this behavior, because it is simply rude. Your tolerance is really tested here, especially because these kinds of mocking reactions from ,friends, are difficult to tolerate on top of other problems that already prevail in your life.
What can you do if you see someone lying about his or her situation?
The fact that you can see that someone is doing poorly does not always mean that you have the right to know why someone is doing poorly. When people say things are going well when they aren’t, it’s really just a polite way of saying they don’t want to answer your question. This is usually because they think it’s none of your business, or because they don’t think you can help anyway.
There is an idea in this society that people must be or become independent. Every person faces difficulties. Difficulties are seen as opportunities to become stronger and wiser. People often have the feeling that you have to climb out of that hole yourself. This is ultimately necessary, but bystanders can at least show sympathy. A hug or a listening ear often works wonders.
Sometimes people don’t want to tell you that things are going badly for them, because they don’t feel like you are a good enough listener. Take a look at yourself, do you come across as if you are showing full attention? Are you not looking outside in the meantime, are you not playing on your phone or do you have an earphone with music in? ,How are you?, has become such a general question that it is not always obvious that you are really interested in the answer. No one will reveal their suffering if the environment does not come across as safe, protected and compassionate. If it concerns a good friend, you can try to ask further questions. Try to take a step back and ask a specific question about the answer you really want to know at that moment: can’t you talk about it or don’t you want to talk about it?
There is still hope
Of course there are people who really want to be involved and support someone who is in trouble. How do you recognize these types of people? That is a very difficult question. It is easier to make yourself vulnerable with people you trust. You must have the feeling that the information you provide will not be misused or passed on. Where can you find such a safe environment? If you know people you trust and can talk to, it is easier. If you don’t know such a person, it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have friends. Not everyone who is your friend is able to help you at that moment. This is unfortunately the case for many people. It is not recommended to look for people to talk to on social institutions, such as a random classmate or colleague. Most people are unable to understand how important it is to you that information is not passed on. People often say they won’t tell anything and they do it anyway. A confidential counselor is often mentioned as an option. Confidential counselors often come across as very impersonal. They experience many cases every day and you quickly become a number. They often keep files and this often does not give a good feeling. (Besides, do you want this information to be put on paper?)
You can also seek support in places where you are completely anonymous and unknown, for example the Internet. No one can pass on your information, because no one knows who you are and no one has (intensive) contact with your acquaintances. Please note that you protect all your data (name, surname, place of residence, etc.) and that you are never completely anonymous. The police can always find out who you are and where you live via your IP address. In most cases, this is only a problem if your dip is about illegal matters. Also keep in mind that your posts will probably never be removed from the internet. You can post a lot on the Internet, but you will never be able to get it off completely. Backups are often made, articles are sometimes distributed as a source, etc. If you ensure that you do not give away personal information, this usually poses little difficulty.