In fact, it is nonsense to only go out of your way during the Christmas period when it comes to clearing up a small or large misunderstanding. Where there is a dispute, there is reason to do something about it. But for many people, expressing a misunderstanding or argument (or at least making it open to discussion) is very sensitive. The how and why?
The emotion shows the charge
As long as there are people, there will be misunderstandings. That is simply inherent to people and communication. We often communicate past each other without realizing it, or perhaps with too little interest. For example, we find something important and someone else feels it as obstructive or pedantic and other people are dominant and express this in words or actions and it can all lead to major or minor misunderstandings.
Yet the depth of a misunderstanding can often be found in emotion. If someone says they are done with it, that is of course possible. The person in question may actually have put an end to the situation, but saying something and following through with it in your heart turn out to be very different things. This only really becomes apparent when, for whatever reason, the misunderstanding or argument is discussed. When emotion kicks in, the book may not really be closed (even though it feels that way). That does not mean that this is also the time to do something. Just an observation.
Give anger a place
Sometimes situations cannot be resolved satisfactorily for both parties. But maintaining your anger is certainly not a good option. One possibility is to try to put the situation into perspective. After all, the feeling of anger is within you and you will have to do something with it yourself.
Realize
To start with, it is good to let go of anger at yourself. If you are angry, moody, rage, hate, you name it, you actually only have yourself with it. Be strict with yourself and don’t let this anger in. What can help with these thoughts is realizing that the person you are angry with may not be aware of it or may be just going on with their life. If you are aware of this, the step of abandoning this wasted energy is closer. So let go!
The next step in the process is to honestly ask yourself what your own role is in the misunderstanding or argument. In addition, it is important to know what the added value of anger is. What does anger add to what is under discussion? You know the answer rationally, but now it’s about getting the emotion out of it.
Clearing up a misunderstanding
But if there is a way to resolve the misunderstanding or argument, then it makes sense to think about it and take action if necessary. If this is the case, there are some preconditions to give the solution a real chance.
Conditions
- No email…under no circumstances attempt to resolve a dispute via email. Everyone has their own interpretation of words and verbally you can respond immediately and possibly rearrange your words. A sent email appears as a kind of fait accompli, the recipient immediately forms his/her thoughts about it and the only option is to recover (or try) later. Moreover, for many people it feels too impersonal (for expressing a misunderstanding).
- A conversation is the only option, but make sure you prepare for this. Not so much to prepare literally everything, but what you want to get across. Bear in mind that the recipient has a different idea about the dispute (otherwise the misunderstanding would not have occurred).
- Always keep the conversation as short and concise as possible. Avoid including all kinds of details.
- Give the person you are going to have the conversation with space to express his/her version and do not interrupt during his/her story. Always let someone finish (this also applies the other way around, of course).
- Accept that your attempt to clear up the misunderstanding may not be successful. But expressing in a correct way how you feel about something (and this also applies to the other party) is often an important step in getting it out of your system. Not all disagreements are resolved, but they can be expressed.
Finally
Trying to clear up a misunderstanding is not a typical Christmas idea, but there is more attention to it at this time of year. Because Christmas is about being together, it is nice when misunderstandings are expressed. But don’t let it be a reason to skip making something right throughout the year. Concrete communication, putting things into perspective and calmly weighing everything up provides the best basis. However, no guarantees are ever given.